Is it ever *ok* to cheat? - Page 3

Iggy · 01-16-2007, 01:37 AM

So many here say they have been the cheater in the past, and yet saying cheating is wrong. It makes me wonder, if you know it is wrong, then why on earth did you cheat in the first place?

I have never been the cheater, but I have been cheated on. I was the other woman, but that situation was very complicated. I was asked to participate in a threesome with a married couple, and I agreed. The wife was ok with it if we were all together and so we fooled around a little other than the actual threesome. However, afterwards the husband and I had some experiences on our own. I know this was wrong as she was not ok with that aspect. I did try to abstain from doing what I knew shouldn’t be done, but in the end I made a mistake. At the time I told myself it wasn’t a big deal because she knew we had had sex before.

I should add that I thought the marriage was stable when I agreed participating in the fantasy. I was not attached at the time and I just thought they wanted to explore a little. I found out later that this was not the case and they divorced not long after our experience. I would never have agreed if I thought for a moment that I could be a catalyst for their divorce, but I was young and naive.

Actually, the husband (now ex- obviously) is my SO. It has been over 4 years since this event and we have been together through thick and thin since then. He and his ex-wife married not long after high school and didn’t really know what they wanted. He is almost 6 years older than me so he had already been married for a couple years when I met him. He says that he now knows they married for the wrong reasons and the relationship was doomed anyway. I still feel I made a mistake.

Some of you might say that I should be worried that he will cheat on me. But we have talked extensively, and there is no one I trust more. That is why I feel we can be together for the rest of our lives. We have a polyamorous relationship so if he finds someone he wants to be with it is ok with me. It is understood that I will know what goes on, but since I know he has no reason to cheat since I am ok with him being with other women then I feel no reason to not trust him. That and we have a much more honest relationship than him and his ex-wife.
But I am allowed other relationships, so it isn’t one sided.

I do know that I have been hurt deeply in the past because I have been cheated on. I would never do that to my mate especially because of our relationship. Why lie when I can tell the truth and share in the joy with my SO?

Just my 2 cents.

bluecuracao · 01-16-2007, 03:31 AM

Iggy, you've answered your own question, in so many words...'complicated,' 'mistake,' 'young and naive,' etc., etc.

Love, trust, commitment, respect--these are the ideals we work toward. If you really want them, you have to be willing to put in the work to maintain them--don't ever take them for granted.

yesman065 · 01-16-2007, 08:37 AM

Iggy that polyamorous attitude seems contradictory to "That is why I feel we can be together for the rest of our lives." I just don't understand how that can work. I'm not being judgemental - I'm honestly tying to understand that philosophy.

Elspode · 01-16-2007, 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yesman065

Iggy that polyamorous attitude seems contradictory to "That is why I feel we can be together for the rest of our lives." I just don't understand how that can work. I'm not being judgemental - I'm honestly tying to understand that philosophy.

For some, being certain of the continued love and trust of one's S.O./Spouse is the only way they can even begin to think about a polyamorous/open relationship.

If anyone here thinks for one moment that I'd be letting my wife have off with other men if I didn't love and trust her completely, they'd have another think coming. I assume she feels the same way about me (although I am not exactly active at the moment).

Iggy · 01-19-2007, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Sounds to me like you love each other but both are afraid to declare an exclusive commitment for fear that will screw up what you have.

I don't have the answer as to why, just observed the phenomenon. But I think it can be avoided by focusing on how you and your lover treat each other, and put how the rest of the world labels you in the background.

That makes sense. It doesn’t really fit us though. We were monogamous for most of our relationship. The poly change is fairly recent, and we may decide that it isn’t our thing after all. Right now it seems to fit who we are and what we want so that is what we are doing. It is understood that if either of us decide we don’t want to do the poly thing then those wishes will be respected.

It wasn’t until he proposed to me that we seriously thought about trying to have a poly relationship. I know this seems strange to most of you, but like Elspode said:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elspode

For some, being certain of the continued love and trust of one's S.O./Spouse is the only way they can even begin to think about a polyamorous/open relationship.

If anyone here thinks for one moment that I'd be letting my wife have off with other men if I didn't love and trust her completely, they'd have another think coming. I assume she feels the same way about me (although I am not exactly active at the moment).

That is they way it worked for us. It wasn’t until we had decided that no matter what happened we would be there for each other that we thought having an open relationship would be possible. It is what works for us at the moment and we will re-evaluate the situation if that changes.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-20-2007, 12:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iggy

snip~

That is they way it worked for us. It wasn’t until we had decided that no matter what happened we would be there for each other that we thought having an open relationship would be possible. It is what works for us at the moment and we will re-evaluate the situation if that changes.

Whatever blows your skirt(s) up, only you can determine what's right for you.
Besides, I could be entirely wrong...it wouldn't be the first time.

Iggy · 01-17-2007, 11:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yesman065

Iggy that polyamorous attitude seems contradictory to "That is why I feel we can be together for the rest of our lives." I just don't understand how that can work. I'm not being judgemental - I'm honestly tying to understand that philosophy.

Well, that might have been a bad choice of words. We want to be together for as long as possible. I guess the best way to put it is if we have the freedom to be who we want to be, then why leave? We love each other very much and trust each other very much and we can expand our horizons while staying in the relationship. There isn't going to be a day where we get bored and want to go elsewhere and are forced to cheat or separate. If that makes sense. We both know that there could be things in the future that cause us to not want to be together, but we have been through so much it is hard to imagine. I honestly don't know how to describe it. But I do know that from where I sit right now I can't see any reason for him to leave me or for me to leave him. I will mull this over some more and try to find a more satisfactory answer.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-18-2007, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iggy

Well, that might have been a bad choice of words. We want to be together for as long as possible.

Sounds to me like you love each other but both are afraid to declare an exclusive commitment for fear that will screw up what you have.

That's not an unreasonable fear. I've seen it happen many times, where a happy pair decide to marry, or just declare they are exclusive, and somehow they change..... quickly too. Like they've reached a goal and can relax, not have to work at it anymore.

Maybe it's a change in attitude, or in expectations, or taking things for granted. Maybe they have set perceptions on the proper behavior/expectations for, dating, going steady, engaged, and married, then slip into those roles unconsciously.

I don't have the answer as to why, just observed the phenomenon. But I think it can be avoided by focusing on how you and your lover treat each other, and put how the rest of the world labels you in the background.

Elspode · 01-18-2007, 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

I've seen it happen many times, where a happy pair decide to marry, or just declare they are exclusive, and somehow they change..... quickly too. Like they've reached a goal and can relax, not have to work at it anymore.

Excellent insight. I agree with your take on this. Working on things is constant. You never "arrive" at a destination. It is all a journey, and you don't stop until you divorce or die.

axeman84 · 01-16-2007, 12:16 PM

just because one has cheated doesn't mean it was right, i regret that decision.
if one really needs a release and the woman cannot or will not comply, then a man can go to the supermarket, buy a can of tuna, head down to the animal shelter for a stray cat and then rub the tuna on his genitalia
i know, that's cheating, too i'm just trying to be funny ( @ )( @ )

Dagney · 01-16-2007, 04:33 PM

I shared what I did because I was agreeing with 'Spode - not asking for ridicule. Those words are special to me - but thanks for twisting them.

That said...

Would you encourage your spouse to cheat?

I will encourage my future husband in anything and everything that he wants, as long as it does not degrade the foundation of our relationship. As long as it does not harm us, him, or myself. As long as it's for the betterment of those things that we share.

Uh, no, I don't think so. While we did not say 'forsaking all others', we both know that there will be no others - and if anyone takes a step across that well drawn boundary, a fair bit of damage has been done to the relationship.

Words you'd never hear ME say - "No, go ahead honey, go schtupp that tart - I'll be here waiting when you get home."

Words you may hear ME say - "Oh, go head honey, go schtupp that tart - I have the divorce attorney on speed dial - and I wouldn't mind half of everything - your stuff will be on the lawn when you get home"

The minute he asked me to be his significant other - there was an agreement that our relationship was exclusive - that there were no others - period. The minute he asked me to be his wife - that agreement was a little more solidified. The moment he takes me to be his wife - it's pretty much iron clad.

But that's just me - I respect the man I love. And I know he respects me.

Spexxvet · 01-16-2007, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dagney

I shared what I did because I was agreeing with 'Spode - not asking for ridicule. Those words are special to me - but thanks for twisting them.

...

Lighten up, honey.

skysidhe · 01-16-2007, 05:11 PM

I think it's cheating when an old fart hangs onto someone just because there isn't anything else.

lumberjim · 01-16-2007, 07:45 PM

oh no he di'int

Dagney · 01-16-2007, 08:02 PM

Oh, I do believe he did.

But hey, it's just not worth worrying about. A year or so ago, I'd have handed him his arse - now....I'll just ignore it.

(Ah, the rewards of growin up *G*)

01-16-2007, 01:37 AM	#1
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	So many here say they have been the cheater in the past, and yet saying cheating is wrong. It makes me wonder, if you know it is wrong, then why on earth did you cheat in the first place? I have never been the cheater, but I have been cheated on. I was the other woman, but that situation was very complicated. I was asked to participate in a threesome with a married couple, and I agreed. The wife was ok with it if we were all together and so we fooled around a little other than the actual threesome. However, afterwards the husband and I had some experiences on our own. I know this was wrong as she was not ok with that aspect. I did try to abstain from doing what I knew shouldn’t be done, but in the end I made a mistake. At the time I told myself it wasn’t a big deal because she knew we had had sex before. I should add that I thought the marriage was stable when I agreed participating in the fantasy. I was not attached at the time and I just thought they wanted to explore a little. I found out later that this was not the case and they divorced not long after our experience. I would never have agreed if I thought for a moment that I could be a catalyst for their divorce, but I was young and naive. Actually, the husband (now ex- obviously) is my SO. It has been over 4 years since this event and we have been together through thick and thin since then. He and his ex-wife married not long after high school and didn’t really know what they wanted. He is almost 6 years older than me so he had already been married for a couple years when I met him. He says that he now knows they married for the wrong reasons and the relationship was doomed anyway. I still feel I made a mistake. Some of you might say that I should be worried that he will cheat on me. But we have talked extensively, and there is no one I trust more. That is why I feel we can be together for the rest of our lives. We have a polyamorous relationship so if he finds someone he wants to be with it is ok with me. It is understood that I will know what goes on, but since I know he has no reason to cheat since I am ok with him being with other women then I feel no reason to not trust him. That and we have a much more honest relationship than him and his ex-wife. But I am allowed other relationships, so it isn’t one sided. I do know that I have been hurt deeply in the past because I have been cheated on. I would never do that to my mate especially because of our relationship. Why lie when I can tell the truth and share in the joy with my SO? Just my 2 cents. __________________ Chock-full of naughty goodness.

01-16-2007, 04:33 PM	#11
Dagney The Prodigal Brat Returneth Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: North Cackalacky Posts: 1,107	I shared what I did because I was agreeing with 'Spode - not asking for ridicule. Those words are special to me - but thanks for twisting them. That said... Would you encourage your spouse to cheat? I will encourage my future husband in anything and everything that he wants, as long as it does not degrade the foundation of our relationship. As long as it does not harm us, him, or myself. As long as it's for the betterment of those things that we share. Uh, no, I don't think so. While we did not say 'forsaking all others', we both know that there will be no others - and if anyone takes a step across that well drawn boundary, a fair bit of damage has been done to the relationship. Words you'd never hear ME say - "No, go ahead honey, go schtupp that tart - I'll be here waiting when you get home." Words you may hear ME say - "Oh, go head honey, go schtupp that tart - I have the divorce attorney on speed dial - and I wouldn't mind half of everything - your stuff will be on the lawn when you get home" The minute he asked me to be his significant other - there was an agreement that our relationship was exclusive - that there were no others - period. The minute he asked me to be his wife - that agreement was a little more solidified. The moment he takes me to be his wife - it's pretty much iron clad. But that's just me - I respect the man I love. And I know he respects me. __________________ The Constitution gives every American the right to make a total fool out of himself. But that doesn't mean you need to.

01-16-2007, 07:45 PM	#14
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	oh no he di'int __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

01-16-2007, 08:02 PM	#15
Dagney The Prodigal Brat Returneth Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: North Cackalacky Posts: 1,107	Oh, I do believe he did. But hey, it's just not worth worrying about. A year or so ago, I'd have handed him his arse - now....I'll just ignore it. (Ah, the rewards of growin up G) __________________ The Constitution gives every American the right to make a total fool out of himself. But that doesn't mean you need to.

01-16-2007, 03:31 AM	#2
bluecuracao in a mood, not cupcake Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 3,034	Iggy, you've answered your own question, in so many words...'complicated,' 'mistake,' 'young and naive,' etc., etc. Love, trust, commitment, respect--these are the ideals we work toward. If you really want them, you have to be willing to put in the work to maintain them--don't ever take them for granted.

01-16-2007, 08:37 AM	#3
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Iggy that polyamorous attitude seems contradictory to "That is why I feel we can be together for the rest of our lives." I just don't understand how that can work. I'm not being judgemental - I'm honestly tying to understand that philosophy.

01-16-2007, 12:16 PM	#10
axeman84 Dry Nurse Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: uranus Posts: 23	just because one has cheated doesn't mean it was right, i regret that decision. if one really needs a release and the woman cannot or will not comply, then a man can go to the supermarket, buy a can of tuna, head down to the animal shelter for a stray cat and then rub the tuna on his genitalia i know, that's cheating, too i'm just trying to be funny ( @ )( @ )

01-16-2007, 05:11 PM	#13
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	I think it's cheating when an old fart hangs onto someone just because there isn't anything else.

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