gains of giving up

[it]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

Now you sit there wondering WTF happened and how you could have behaved differently to make it work out. It may well be that the best intentions on your part led to a life too normal, too safe for her. Maybe she actually likes confusion in her life because that's what she grew up with. Even if it's unhealthy.

Maybe you work to pass all her tests and to be all the the things she said she wanted... and then it turns out she doesn't really know what she wants.

Maybe I'm partly just thinking out loud, but there it is, what say you?

there is a lot i could have done differently, that given enough space i could have taken a breath to think about and have understood how to avoid each pitfall the way i understand it today in hindsight.

but there is one thing i couldn't have done - gain a peace of mind.

out of all the crap, there was one positive thought in my head on the flight back home, a sigh, a big boulder falling from my shoulders letting in air to areas that haven't breathed in a long time, "she's not here to judge me anymore" - to constantly test & reevaluate me".

and there was no solution, nothing i could have done to make that stop, because in a world where everything's a symbol, there is no sense of proportions - the biggest gesture is no more meaningful then the smallest, every bottle of soda bought, everything i've ever done for myself, no matter how small compared to what i do for them, was still failing a test of how much i am willing to sacrifice for her and my stepson. there would never be something so meaningful i could do to put all the others to rest, there would never be a test i can finally pass so that there would be no more tests.

there are people for whom this is perfect. the sort of really competitive people who constantly feel the need to prove themselves, who would like nothing more then a constant flow of opportunities to do so.

i never was that kind of guy, and as malleable as i am in other areas, i don't think i could ever change so fundamentally to become that kind of guy.

i would if i could, and even without it, given the opportunity to be with her and our son, i wouldn't care if i could never experience peace of mind again. but right now i don't have that choice, and she wouldn't want me to make that choice.

this is a great leap i think... because one of the constant things that have being nagging me is that thought that if we met today, if i had the experience from our first round and all the lessons, if we just met without the history between us the way we are today, we could have being happy together. and this is the one reason that i don't think anymore that this is necessarily true.