I'm Jim, and I'm a Compulsive Overeater

[glatt]

It's not all on you, jinx.

I don't have any sage advice for you guys, but I'm rooting for you both.


There's got to be a middle way. People generally lie when they are trying to avoid "punishment" for something. They don't want to get in trouble, so they lie to avoid it. Take away the punishment, and you take away the motivation for lying. At the same time, structuring your lives differently so that the bad behavior is less of an option should reduce incidents of it. If it's money, taking control of the finances. If it's something else, there may be other things you guys can do.

Of course, saying to him he won't get in trouble when he's doing whatever he's doing assumes that the behavior is something you can live with when it does happen. If the bad behavior is a deal breaker, then it's not going to work.

I'm on the outside, so I have no idea what you guys are dealing with. But you can probably find a middle way if you look for it.

[jinx]

Originally Posted by glatt

It's not all on you, jinx.

There's got to be a middle way. People generally lie when they are trying to avoid "punishment" for something. They don't want to get in trouble, so they lie to avoid it. Take away the punishment, and you take away the motivation for lying. At the same time, structuring your lives differently so that the bad behavior is less of an option should reduce incidents of it. If it's money, taking control of the finances. If it's something else, there may be other things you guys can do.

Of course, saying to him he won't get in trouble when he's doing whatever he's doing assumes that the behavior is something you can live with when it does happen. If the bad behavior is a deal breaker, then it's not going to work.

I'm on the outside, so I have no idea what you guys are dealing with. But you can probably find a middle way if you look for it.

Thanks glatt. A middle way would be good.
Right now, from my perspective, Jim does want to be in trouble. He wants me to act like a mom to him. We've discussed this, and that I'm not into it several times.

Any action can, and has been, taken to the deal breaker level if one tries hard enough - that's the reason I stepped in to steer the help towards the problem and not the specific actions. I'd like to figure out the motivation for the deal breaking shit. The obvious one is that one wants out of the relationship. If that's not it, then what?

[squirell nutkin]

Originally Posted by jinx

... I'd like to figure out the motivation for the deal breaking shit. The obvious one is that one wants out of the relationship. If that's not it, then what?

jinx, I would be willing to guess that is not the case, but since I don't really know either of you I can't say for sure, but I bet that isn't it. People sabotage themselves for a lot of reasons, most of them unconscious. The older I get the more it seems to me that all of us are starring in a play that we are writing called "This is the story of my life" It's easy for me to see it in my MIL. She was a child in Germany during WWII, they were refugees, they were poor, the city was bombed, it was chaos and destruction. This woman re creates that chaos and destruction, literally, in her life. It's as if she is saying, through her life and actions: "Look! Look at what happened to me!"

I think all of us have had some sort of tragedy in our lives as kids or teens or adults. We often get "Stuck" there and we keep reliving it, recreating it.

Consider joining an ACOA or CODA group I think it will give you a lot of perspective into Jim's behavior as well as give you ways to cope and protect your own mental health. Mrs. Nutkin began to go after the whole meltdown with her mom a year or so ago, it has helped her immeasurably in dealing with her batshit insane mother. And Jim isn't so batshit insane as all that.

Also, I'd recommend you read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" as well as Jim. The book is exactly about what you are describing in Jim's behaviour.