I want to die

[Deuce]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Nope, not allowed, sorry.
Rules, you know. Once you click on accept, you're legally bound by the rules.

Rule 37b: After 150 posts and/or raising the concern of 3 or more Cellar Chicas, the party of the first part (you), is not allowed to bum out the party of the second part (us), by dieing.

Ha ha, you humor is welcome, even though I can't feel it. Please accept my thanks.

Sorry about the post count overage. As to the heightened concern level of the cellar chicas, that has been purely incidental. There is but one cellar chica, a lurker, whose concern I cultivate. But I'm a damn poor cultivator. I feel more like a resource to be mined. Dug through, carved out, ground up, processed and once the useful bits have been extracted, discarded, preferably far away.

Originally Posted by Deuce

I'm not dead yet. Be patient.

Now is a very bad time.

It is the worst time. It is the in between time. Too far forward to undo what's been done, but not close enough to surrender to cruel fate. Enough space to imagine, futilely, that escape is possible, when in reality, the maximum effect I can affect is to choose which side of the back of my neck meets the blade before the other. I am constrained.

Originally Posted by Lady Sidhe

I know I'm kind of late on this, but I'll put my two cents in anyway.

Having gone through depression, up and down, my whole life, I understand those feelings of hopelessness.

Better late than never. I need all the help I can get.

Originally Posted by Lady Sidhe

--snip--
I also understand how marriage problems can kick off depression. It's the closest relationship you have, one that's often, for better or worse (no pun intended), intertwined with your image of yourself, and whether we know, logically, that we shouldn't let it dictate how we feel about ourselves, often we can't help it.

This is precisely correct. A Big Part of who I am is Husband. Now, that is being taken away, and it is excruciatingly painful.

Originally Posted by Lady Sidhe

--snip--
But whatever you do, don't let yourself get isolated. When the only thing you have to do is think, sometimes your thoughts spiral so far down that you can't get out of them.

--And that's bad, mmmmmkaaay?

Yes. It is bad. I am that far down, a lot. Well, that I'm here typing this must mean that I haven't been that far down, since I'm obviously out/living. But drowning a foot from the surface and drowning a mile from the surface is just as agonizing.

I am alone.

There are some who care. I am thankful for them, and what they do for me. Sometimes, though, it feels hopeless. I still feel alone.

[LabRat]

Originally Posted by Deuce

...Imagining what happens when they find me dead...

Originally Posted by Deuce

I feel alone.

I originally stayed out of this thread at it's creation Deuce, because I was a little suspicious of a newb posting such heavy stuff...then others who are better trained/better with words said the things I felt better than I could have.

But I want you to know now that I have read this thread, and the post about imaginging what it would be like when they find you brought tears to my eyes. Literally. And I read this at work. The thought of my daughter living without a mother is the only thing that kept me from doing something really stupid, when I was where you were/are. I have posted randomly in various places about my depression, PM or Gabbly me anytime regarding this.

You aren't alone. Blood does not make family, only relatives. We are your family, here for you 24/7.

The same goes for you, Sundae, whom I was unaware was going through such a tough time. (That'll teach me to stay out of threads I'm scared of...) Though it sound like you are beginning to hit the upslide, and I am very happy for that.

Lookout, wow. I am sorry. My uncle committed suicide when I was 12 or so, though for many different reasons, and I saw (even through the limited eyes of a 12yo) how it leaves the family's heads spinning. I hope you and your friends were/are good support for one another. My father (his brother) did not get the help/support he needed, and now that I am older (wiser?) I see what it difference it could have made in his life trying to make sense of it.

:::hugs::: to all of you, especially those who are going through things similar who haven't posted here.

LR