The Cellar - I want to die

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- - I want to die (http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=14640)

Right now.

I feel so bad, I feel

I see a sword, an axe, an enormous stone block hanging over me. I crane my neck upward to see the leading edge of instantaneous relief just a second away. I crave it. I long for it. Bring it, bring it now! Make it stop, make it go away.

You have the strength to get through this. You've felt this way before and felt better again. You will feel better again. You can do it. Look what you've posted in the past.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deuce (Post 312943)

I've been one half step away. I've had the rope around my neck and tied securely but I couldn't finish it. I've cut myself (not across to the hospital, but down to the morgue), and watched it bleed, then stopped it. I've written a few notes, and torn them up.

It's always been prompted by marital strife. It's that way now. Fortunately, the current balance of emotions is heaviest on anger and frustration, and not despair. Despair is the killer. A lack of hope is about as bad as a lack of oxygen. It all seems so black, so unendingly painful. A surcease of pain is what I sought. And a little posthumous appreciation. That's stupid. I was temporarily stupid.

I have days, sometimes weeks where I don't think about killing myself. Those are good days. But that's never permanent. The trouble, the pain is always there. It ebbs and flows. When it floods me, and I can't make it stop or see the end, I hear it's siren call. Come. Rest. I hear the voice now, but it's distant. I can resist.

But I've felt the darkness mute the noonday sun, and that voice drips it's bittersweet poison into my ear, come, end the pain. Just one step, and you'll be free. It can be very, very appealing, at those times. But so far, so far, I gag and choke on those words, and live. In pain, but living. So far, so good.

get help! professional help, please. Don't rely on dumb Netboards for your mental health.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cloud (Post 357828)

get help! professional help, please. Don't rely on dumb Netboards for your mental health.

A professional will likely prescribe talk therapy. What is it that we're doing here? Are we less than human?

good point Flint! (more than human, personally :) ) but --a professional can also prescribe medication. And if this person is in such deep distress as to be suicidal, he? may need more help than just talk therapy.

Talking to anonymous people remotely is not the same as being in the same room with a caring person. Not to mention the casual cruelty or unlucky wording people can put forth on forum boards, which might make things worse.

I just get rather alarmed when people start talking about suicide. I do see, in the other thread, that this person has been seeing a counselor, so I'm relieved.

Thank you. I understand what you're saying. I know that talk therapy can be a part of the solution, along with medication; but medication won't magically fix something that you haven't talked out/dealt with.

I suppose what I was trying to say is that I think the internet represents an advance in human communication, not a setback. Weigh the factors you mentioned against the fact that you can instantly recieve opinions from geographically remote areas and culturally diverse sources, for instance.

Deuce, go see a therapist, counsellor, crisis worker, your EAP, somebody. Call 1-800-SUICIDE, they'll connect you to your local crisis center.

Oh, I agree with you Flint. It's great to be able to talk stuff out, and sometimes the anonymous factor can be a great benefit.

I also agree with Wolf. When someone starts talking about suicide, it's time to get real, professional help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cloud (Post 357874)

...
I also agree with Wolf. When someone starts talking about suicide, it's time to get real, professional help.

Yes, wolf is an expert in this field, and her expert advice has been posted right here on the internet! :stickpoke

ow! what is that thing poking me? I'm going to bite it!

The adventure of life is infinitely more interesting.

You've got a lot of things going on, and that's impacting your ability to manage in a lot of different areas of your life. Sort things out one at a time, and remember that you do not do this alone.

Step slightly to one side of that enormous stone block and once you get a different perspective on it, you might find that it contains Michelangeo's David within ...

The Agony and the Ecstasy.

Listen to wolf, she knows of what she speaks.

Sending warm thoughts to you, Deuce.

Hello again. Thank you for your responses, truly.

glatt, you're right. Was bad, got better. Is bad, will get better. I get it. But today, now, when I wrote that, it was pretty bad, pretty bad. You are right. I'll live. But it'll hurt; I'm hurting now. I'm saying ouch.

Flint, wolf, thank you for your kind attention and your caring replies. I am trying to talk. I am in touch with my counselor; today. I *do* need to talk. That's what I'm doing here. (Cloud, the anonymity is a (big) plus here. Additionally, this mode, with all its weaknesses still surpasses not talking in person, my other option).

I need to talk. I need to to be listened to. We're doing that. It's a relief. Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deuce (Post 357907)

... I'm saying ouch. ...

I think you've got a sense of humor in there, trying to bust out and lighten things up!