I want to die

Deuce · 07-20-2007, 12:48 PM

I want to say goodbye.

I want to say a lot of things. I hurt. I'm scared and confused. I'm angry. I am overwhelmed.

I have nowhere to turn. I have no one who will stand for me. There are some people who have politely listened to my crying and complaining, some of you. I'm tired. All my life, I've done it myself. And now, I can't. I don't see how

I'm no t really very clear right now nsorry.

I want someone else to carry this weight. I want help. I coan't do it myslef..

...

imagining what happens when they find me dead..

weak. incapable. hardheaded prideful do it yourselfish fucker. despised and derided in death as in life. alone, still, again, still forever. Wife will say I knew he was fucked up. good riddance. free at last. free from his stalking. free from his violence and his demeaning belittling meanness. no more of his lying and his dictating. His interference and his

OlderSon will say good, glad he's gone. now we can be happy. can I have his stuff?

MiddleDaughter will cry, may miss me some.

YoungerSon will be stunned, but the propaganda from W will rush in to fill the void. nothing good will be said about me and the whole episode will be spun as a silver lining. emancipation. I will be remembered as something survived. Something endured, like Auschwitz. Thank God that's over!

Mother will cry, won't understand.

Sisters will cry, rage impotently at W, decrease communication with W and YS from current zero to minus one.

BrotherOne may not notice.

BrotherTwo will cry, will understand. Will shake his head in sadness that I wasn't stronger. will recover.

A handful of others will notice, a couple will care. none will be deflected in the slightest from their course in life. A few dwellars will eventually notice, one or more will gloat. My dog will suffer a loss of status, become an outdoor dog. Work will pay bureaucratic notice only.

I'll have to be cleaned up or picked up or something. A part of somebody's job. But it won't be "care" really. But at least the pain and the noise will stop.

07-20-2007, 12:48 PM	#11
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	I want to say goodbye. I want to say a lot of things. I hurt. I'm scared and confused. I'm angry. I am overwhelmed. I have nowhere to turn. I have no one who will stand for me. There are some people who have politely listened to my crying and complaining, some of you. I'm tired. All my life, I've done it myself. And now, I can't. I don't see how I'm no t really very clear right now nsorry. I want someone else to carry this weight. I want help. I coan't do it myslef.. ... imagining what happens when they find me dead.. weak. incapable. hardheaded prideful do it yourselfish fucker. despised and derided in death as in life. alone, still, again, still forever. Wife will say I knew he was fucked up. good riddance. free at last. free from his stalking. free from his violence and his demeaning belittling meanness. no more of his lying and his dictating. His interference and his OlderSon will say good, glad he's gone. now we can be happy. can I have his stuff? MiddleDaughter will cry, may miss me some. YoungerSon will be stunned, but the propaganda from W will rush in to fill the void. nothing good will be said about me and the whole episode will be spun as a silver lining. emancipation. I will be remembered as something survived. Something endured, like Auschwitz. Thank God that's over! Mother will cry, won't understand. Sisters will cry, rage impotently at W, decrease communication with W and YS from current zero to minus one. BrotherOne may not notice. BrotherTwo will cry, will understand. Will shake his head in sadness that I wasn't stronger. will recover. A handful of others will notice, a couple will care. none will be deflected in the slightest from their course in life. A few dwellars will eventually notice, one or more will gloat. My dog will suffer a loss of status, become an outdoor dog. Work will pay bureaucratic notice only. I'll have to be cleaned up or picked up or something. A part of somebody's job. But it won't be "care" really. But at least the pain and the noise will stop.

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