Is it ever *ok* to cheat?

[freshnesschronic]

I don't get how online dating can exist. I know some people are quiet and shy and maybe antisocial but, but...how can someone suck so much with the opposite sex they need to be matched up with someone on the internet.
If you can't get it done in real life why is this gonna make it easier? Real life is so much harder!!!!

[glatt]

I think it's about meeting people. I never had trouble meeting anyone when I was in college either. After you graduate, you don't meet as many people.

[Hime]

I always thought that slogan meant "looking at an online dating site doesn't make you a dork or a loser," not "it's ok to check out profiles even if you're married." I hope I'm right, because that would be skeevy!

I actually met my fiance online, but neither of us was looking on dating sites or anything -- we just made friends on a forum sort of like this one and decided to meet in person. Other people I know have had good luck with dating sites, though -- not necessarily because they aren't good with the opposite sex, but because depending on your lifestyle (if you don't go to parties and bars a lot, and aren't in school) it can be hard and time-consuming to meet people.

On the actual topic: Depends on how you define "cheating." The standard definition, sleeping with someone else against your partner's wishes and without their knowledge, is a pretty good way to screw up a relationship and leaves way too much of a mess to be worth it. Anything short of sex is up to the individual couple, though -- I know people who think it's ok for their husband to get a lap dance, or feel someone's boobs, or make out, etc. And of course I know plenty of couples where one partner is bi and is "allowed" to have fun with people of their own sex as long as they are honest about it and use protection. If that works for them, awesome. In my relationship, the general assumption is that sexual contact with other people is not ok. I hug my guy friends, dance with guys in clubs, etc, and he sometimes gets a kiss on the cheek from a girl friend, but anything sexual/romantic in nature (kissing on the lips, fondling, grinding...) is out of the comfort zone. I would be ok with him going to a strip club with friends, but not with him getting a personal dance.

There's also definitely emotional cheating -- letting someone in in ways that you don't let in your partner. I think that sometimes that can be just as bad for a relationship, or at least, that the temptation to do that can be as much of an indicator that something is wrong than the temptation to schtup someone else can be.

I have friends who have cheated, or who have been the "other woman." I don't think it automatically makes someone a Bad Person, but I tend to think that it is always a bad idea.

[Dagney]

Originally Posted by Hime

On the actual topic: Depends on how you define "cheating."

For me, it's the 'appearance of evil'. If what you do, or how you act when you're not around me could lead others to believe that something untoward is going on between you and another person - that is leading down the path to being unfaithful in someway.

Because of this, we have an agreement. He has female friends he knew before he met me. (Friends of his, and of his late wife) I have male friends I knew before I met him. Those friends will always be a part of our lives - and neither of us mind if we spend time with them without the other one of us around. However, we will not have 'single' opposite sex friends outside of our marriage. Let's see if this makes sense. I go to the bookstore. I meet a person who happens to be male. Said person asks me to go do something with him. Would I go? No. Because to us - that opens the door for people to assume that something is going on outside of our marriage.

[Hime]

Originally Posted by Dagney

For me, it's the 'appearance of evil'. If what you do, or how you act when you're not around me could lead others to believe that something untoward is going on between you and another person - that is leading down the path to being unfaithful in someway.

Because of this, we have an agreement. He has female friends he knew before he met me. (Friends of his, and of his late wife) I have male friends I knew before I met him. Those friends will always be a part of our lives - and neither of us mind if we spend time with them without the other one of us around. However, we will not have 'single' opposite sex friends outside of our marriage. Let's see if this makes sense. I go to the bookstore. I meet a person who happens to be male. Said person asks me to go do something with him. Would I go? No. Because to us - that opens the door for people to assume that something is going on outside of our marriage.

But what if one of your close male friends has a breakup/divorce? Will you stop being friends?

When Daniel and I moved here, our best friends were a couple called "Jim" and "Andrea." They had been dating for eight years. Both Daniel and I really liked Jim and got along ok with Andrea, and we did couple's stuff together. Then, shortly after we moved here, they broke up in a rather awful fashion (cheating was not involved, but really nasty things were said). Even if I had wanted to stay friends with Andrea, she sent me a polite but distant email afterwards that strongly implied that she did not want further contact with us. So now Jim is a very close friend to both of us. Sometimes the three of us hang out, sometimes he hangs out with just me, sometimes with just Daniel. If he's seeing someone at the time, the four of us might hang out together. Daniel sometimes teases me about liking him because, well, he is a very attractive man, but he trusts both of us and knows that there is nothing going on and no potential for anything to go on.

Your rules probably work for a lot of people. I don't think they would work for me, though, mostly because I don't get along as well with women as I do with men, generally. My best friends are my brother, the above-mentioned Jim, and my best friend from college, who is a gay man. For a long time I thought that guys weren't interested in me at all, until I realized that the big reason I didn't get hit on a lot was because almost every time I went out, I was with a guy!

[Dagney]

Originally Posted by Hime

But what if one of your close male friends has a breakup/divorce? Will you stop being friends?

If one of my existing friends has a life altering relationship change (breakup/divorce/death), we wouldn't change how we feel about that person. Our guidelines start from the point Charles and I started dating, and move forward - friends that existed prior to that point are 'grandfathered in'. Couples friends made after that point - aren't 'eliminated' based on relationship changes - we're just not out looking for single friends to hang out with.

[Dagney]

Originally Posted by freshnesschronic

I don't get how online dating can exist. I know some people are quiet and shy and maybe antisocial but, but...how can someone suck so much with the opposite sex they need to be matched up with someone on the internet.
If you can't get it done in real life why is this gonna make it easier? Real life is so much harder!!!!

My husband and I met online (thank you craigslist), and we know lots of people who met the same (or similar) way that we did.

It's not that we 'suck so much' with the opposite sex....we're just not bar people, and the social circles we run in are generally comprised of married people.

When you're out of college, and tied to a job that has you working upwards of 60 hours a week, it's a lot easier to get to know someone initially via email, IM, and phone chat than wasting lots of valuable face to face time with people you know you won't 'click' with romantically.

It worked for us - it's not for everyone.