Is it ever *ok* to cheat?

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Iggy

snip~

That is they way it worked for us. It wasn’t until we had decided that no matter what happened we would be there for each other that we thought having an open relationship would be possible. It is what works for us at the moment and we will re-evaluate the situation if that changes.

Whatever blows your skirt(s) up, only you can determine what's right for you.
Besides, I could be entirely wrong...it wouldn't be the first time.

[AgentApathy]

Originally Posted by DucksNuts

why should the unpartnered person be to blame, unless they tried to *lure* the partnered person away? Even if they did lure the person away, isnt that because they were lurable??

If the unpartnered knew when they got into it that their paramour was married, then the fault lies with both. Marriage and commitment to a relationship is something to be respected, and how can you expect to GET that respect if you haven't given it? It's also incredibly selfish on the parts of BOTH people.

I have a friend who started the relationship with his current wife when they were both still married to other people. Not surprisingly, they don't trust each other now that they are divorced from their previous spouses and married to each other, and I don't think they ever will, given the nature of their beginnings.

In short, what comes around goes around. Karma is a bitch and if you don't mind a lifetime of pain, be the "other woman" or whatever.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Bump for Cloud

[Cloud]

cheating is bad.

polyamory, on the other hand . . .

[DucksNuts]

Ohhh, cool, I was just thinking about this today.

I've found so many levels of cheating recently, the Army dude situation is getting a bit bent out of shape....but we had a conversation and decided there were no rules until he gets back from Iraq and we see how we feel.

Anyways, I am currently seeing a married guy. I dont know how long that will work for either of us....he has a history of long term *girlfriends*.

[freshnesschronic]

Originally Posted by DucksNuts

Ohhh, cool, I was just thinking about this today.

Anyways, I am currently seeing a married guy. I dont know how long that will work for either of us....he has a history of long term *girlfriends*.

[DucksNuts]

yeah I know, I suck

[Cloud]

I've stopped any kind of on-line dating, because 9 times out of 10, the guys are married. Yuk.

[Dagney]

While I don't think that it's okay to cheat - ever - at all - even a little bit - I do wonder - do the online sites make it easier for people to 'justify' doing what they know is wrong? For example, the current slogan for match.com is "It's okay to look...'

[Cloud]

yeah, that kinda squicked me too

[freshnesschronic]

I don't get how online dating can exist. I know some people are quiet and shy and maybe antisocial but, but...how can someone suck so much with the opposite sex they need to be matched up with someone on the internet.
If you can't get it done in real life why is this gonna make it easier? Real life is so much harder!!!!

[glatt]

I think it's about meeting people. I never had trouble meeting anyone when I was in college either. After you graduate, you don't meet as many people.

[Hime]

I always thought that slogan meant "looking at an online dating site doesn't make you a dork or a loser," not "it's ok to check out profiles even if you're married." I hope I'm right, because that would be skeevy!

I actually met my fiance online, but neither of us was looking on dating sites or anything -- we just made friends on a forum sort of like this one and decided to meet in person. Other people I know have had good luck with dating sites, though -- not necessarily because they aren't good with the opposite sex, but because depending on your lifestyle (if you don't go to parties and bars a lot, and aren't in school) it can be hard and time-consuming to meet people.

On the actual topic: Depends on how you define "cheating." The standard definition, sleeping with someone else against your partner's wishes and without their knowledge, is a pretty good way to screw up a relationship and leaves way too much of a mess to be worth it. Anything short of sex is up to the individual couple, though -- I know people who think it's ok for their husband to get a lap dance, or feel someone's boobs, or make out, etc. And of course I know plenty of couples where one partner is bi and is "allowed" to have fun with people of their own sex as long as they are honest about it and use protection. If that works for them, awesome. In my relationship, the general assumption is that sexual contact with other people is not ok. I hug my guy friends, dance with guys in clubs, etc, and he sometimes gets a kiss on the cheek from a girl friend, but anything sexual/romantic in nature (kissing on the lips, fondling, grinding...) is out of the comfort zone. I would be ok with him going to a strip club with friends, but not with him getting a personal dance.

There's also definitely emotional cheating -- letting someone in in ways that you don't let in your partner. I think that sometimes that can be just as bad for a relationship, or at least, that the temptation to do that can be as much of an indicator that something is wrong than the temptation to schtup someone else can be.

I have friends who have cheated, or who have been the "other woman." I don't think it automatically makes someone a Bad Person, but I tend to think that it is always a bad idea.

[Dagney]

Originally Posted by freshnesschronic

I don't get how online dating can exist. I know some people are quiet and shy and maybe antisocial but, but...how can someone suck so much with the opposite sex they need to be matched up with someone on the internet.
If you can't get it done in real life why is this gonna make it easier? Real life is so much harder!!!!

My husband and I met online (thank you craigslist), and we know lots of people who met the same (or similar) way that we did.

It's not that we 'suck so much' with the opposite sex....we're just not bar people, and the social circles we run in are generally comprised of married people.

When you're out of college, and tied to a job that has you working upwards of 60 hours a week, it's a lot easier to get to know someone initially via email, IM, and phone chat than wasting lots of valuable face to face time with people you know you won't 'click' with romantically.

It worked for us - it's not for everyone.

[Dagney]

Originally Posted by Hime

On the actual topic: Depends on how you define "cheating."

For me, it's the 'appearance of evil'. If what you do, or how you act when you're not around me could lead others to believe that something untoward is going on between you and another person - that is leading down the path to being unfaithful in someway.

Because of this, we have an agreement. He has female friends he knew before he met me. (Friends of his, and of his late wife) I have male friends I knew before I met him. Those friends will always be a part of our lives - and neither of us mind if we spend time with them without the other one of us around. However, we will not have 'single' opposite sex friends outside of our marriage. Let's see if this makes sense. I go to the bookstore. I meet a person who happens to be male. Said person asks me to go do something with him. Would I go? No. Because to us - that opens the door for people to assume that something is going on outside of our marriage.