Is it ever *ok* to cheat? - Page 6

freshnesschronic · 04-30-2007, 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DucksNuts

Ohhh, cool, I was just thinking about this today.

Anyways, I am currently seeing a married guy. I dont know how long that will work for either of us....he has a history of long term *girlfriends*.

Sheldonrs · 04-30-2007, 01:14 PM

Just my 2 cents. My bf and I love eachother very much.
But, we like different things when it comes to sex. So we play with others. No secrets and sometimes we all play together. ;-)

limey · 04-30-2007, 01:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sheldonrs

Just my 2 cents. My bf and I love eachother very much.
But, we like different things when it comes to sex. So we play with others. No secrets and sometimes we all play together. ;-)

But that's not cheating. "Cheating" implies hiding what you're doing from your partner because you think (or know) that they wouldn't like you to do whatever you're doing (IMHO, of course).

DucksNuts · 04-30-2007, 12:08 AM

yeah I know, I suck

Cloud · 04-30-2007, 09:19 AM

I've stopped any kind of on-line dating, because 9 times out of 10, the guys are married. Yuk.

Dagney · 04-30-2007, 10:17 AM

While I don't think that it's okay to cheat - ever - at all - even a little bit - I do wonder - do the online sites make it easier for people to 'justify' doing what they know is wrong? For example, the current slogan for match.com is "It's okay to look...'

Cloud · 04-30-2007, 10:19 AM

yeah, that kinda squicked me too

freshnesschronic · 04-30-2007, 10:34 AM

I don't get how online dating can exist. I know some people are quiet and shy and maybe antisocial but, but...how can someone suck so much with the opposite sex they need to be matched up with someone on the internet.
If you can't get it done in real life why is this gonna make it easier? Real life is so much harder!!!!

glatt · 04-30-2007, 11:38 AM

I think it's about meeting people. I never had trouble meeting anyone when I was in college either. After you graduate, you don't meet as many people.

Hime · 04-30-2007, 11:41 AM

I always thought that slogan meant "looking at an online dating site doesn't make you a dork or a loser," not "it's ok to check out profiles even if you're married." I hope I'm right, because that would be skeevy!

I actually met my fiance online, but neither of us was looking on dating sites or anything -- we just made friends on a forum sort of like this one and decided to meet in person. Other people I know have had good luck with dating sites, though -- not necessarily because they aren't good with the opposite sex, but because depending on your lifestyle (if you don't go to parties and bars a lot, and aren't in school) it can be hard and time-consuming to meet people.

On the actual topic: Depends on how you define "cheating." The standard definition, sleeping with someone else against your partner's wishes and without their knowledge, is a pretty good way to screw up a relationship and leaves way too much of a mess to be worth it. Anything short of sex is up to the individual couple, though -- I know people who think it's ok for their husband to get a lap dance, or feel someone's boobs, or make out, etc. And of course I know plenty of couples where one partner is bi and is "allowed" to have fun with people of their own sex as long as they are honest about it and use protection. If that works for them, awesome. In my relationship, the general assumption is that sexual contact with other people is not ok. I hug my guy friends, dance with guys in clubs, etc, and he sometimes gets a kiss on the cheek from a girl friend, but anything sexual/romantic in nature (kissing on the lips, fondling, grinding...) is out of the comfort zone. I would be ok with him going to a strip club with friends, but not with him getting a personal dance.

There's also definitely emotional cheating -- letting someone in in ways that you don't let in your partner. I think that sometimes that can be just as bad for a relationship, or at least, that the temptation to do that can be as much of an indicator that something is wrong than the temptation to schtup someone else can be.

I have friends who have cheated, or who have been the "other woman." I don't think it automatically makes someone a Bad Person, but I tend to think that it is always a bad idea.

Dagney · 04-30-2007, 12:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hime

On the actual topic: Depends on how you define "cheating."

For me, it's the 'appearance of evil'. If what you do, or how you act when you're not around me could lead others to believe that something untoward is going on between you and another person - that is leading down the path to being unfaithful in someway.

Because of this, we have an agreement. He has female friends he knew before he met me. (Friends of his, and of his late wife) I have male friends I knew before I met him. Those friends will always be a part of our lives - and neither of us mind if we spend time with them without the other one of us around. However, we will not have 'single' opposite sex friends outside of our marriage. Let's see if this makes sense. I go to the bookstore. I meet a person who happens to be male. Said person asks me to go do something with him. Would I go? No. Because to us - that opens the door for people to assume that something is going on outside of our marriage.

Hime · 04-30-2007, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dagney

For me, it's the 'appearance of evil'. If what you do, or how you act when you're not around me could lead others to believe that something untoward is going on between you and another person - that is leading down the path to being unfaithful in someway.

Because of this, we have an agreement. He has female friends he knew before he met me. (Friends of his, and of his late wife) I have male friends I knew before I met him. Those friends will always be a part of our lives - and neither of us mind if we spend time with them without the other one of us around. However, we will not have 'single' opposite sex friends outside of our marriage. Let's see if this makes sense. I go to the bookstore. I meet a person who happens to be male. Said person asks me to go do something with him. Would I go? No. Because to us - that opens the door for people to assume that something is going on outside of our marriage.

But what if one of your close male friends has a breakup/divorce? Will you stop being friends?

When Daniel and I moved here, our best friends were a couple called "Jim" and "Andrea." They had been dating for eight years. Both Daniel and I really liked Jim and got along ok with Andrea, and we did couple's stuff together. Then, shortly after we moved here, they broke up in a rather awful fashion (cheating was not involved, but really nasty things were said). Even if I had wanted to stay friends with Andrea, she sent me a polite but distant email afterwards that strongly implied that she did not want further contact with us. So now Jim is a very close friend to both of us. Sometimes the three of us hang out, sometimes he hangs out with just me, sometimes with just Daniel. If he's seeing someone at the time, the four of us might hang out together. Daniel sometimes teases me about liking him because, well, he is a very attractive man, but he trusts both of us and knows that there is nothing going on and no potential for anything to go on.

Your rules probably work for a lot of people. I don't think they would work for me, though, mostly because I don't get along as well with women as I do with men, generally. My best friends are my brother, the above-mentioned Jim, and my best friend from college, who is a gay man. For a long time I thought that guys weren't interested in me at all, until I realized that the big reason I didn't get hit on a lot was because almost every time I went out, I was with a guy!

Dagney · 04-30-2007, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hime

But what if one of your close male friends has a breakup/divorce? Will you stop being friends?

If one of my existing friends has a life altering relationship change (breakup/divorce/death), we wouldn't change how we feel about that person. Our guidelines start from the point Charles and I started dating, and move forward - friends that existed prior to that point are 'grandfathered in'. Couples friends made after that point - aren't 'eliminated' based on relationship changes - we're just not out looking for single friends to hang out with.

Dagney · 04-30-2007, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by freshnesschronic

I don't get how online dating can exist. I know some people are quiet and shy and maybe antisocial but, but...how can someone suck so much with the opposite sex they need to be matched up with someone on the internet.
If you can't get it done in real life why is this gonna make it easier? Real life is so much harder!!!!

My husband and I met online (thank you craigslist), and we know lots of people who met the same (or similar) way that we did.

It's not that we 'suck so much' with the opposite sex....we're just not bar people, and the social circles we run in are generally comprised of married people.

When you're out of college, and tied to a job that has you working upwards of 60 hours a week, it's a lot easier to get to know someone initially via email, IM, and phone chat than wasting lots of valuable face to face time with people you know you won't 'click' with romantically.

It worked for us - it's not for everyone.

freshnesschronic · 04-30-2007, 01:47 PM

I didn't mean to offend anyone who online dates, but I'm just confused about how people can take it seriously. But I guess I don't know the world of work, soooo meh. I mean I never had a girlfriend until junior year in high school and that took hard social effort for me, a guy no girls had interest in in junior high ever. That is all.
I did create an account at match.com and so did my girlfriend and we tried to see if we would match up but we didn't. That's why I'm like "this is silly."

04-30-2007, 01:14 PM	#2
Sheldonrs Master Dwellar Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Los Angeles, CA Posts: 4,412	Just my 2 cents. My bf and I love eachother very much. But, we like different things when it comes to sex. So we play with others. No secrets and sometimes we all play together. ;-) __________________ Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and the world laughs AT you.

04-30-2007, 09:19 AM	#5
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	I've stopped any kind of on-line dating, because 9 times out of 10, the guys are married. Yuk. __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

04-30-2007, 10:17 AM	#6
Dagney The Prodigal Brat Returneth Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: North Cackalacky Posts: 1,107	While I don't think that it's okay to cheat - ever - at all - even a little bit - I do wonder - do the online sites make it easier for people to 'justify' doing what they know is wrong? For example, the current slogan for match.com is "It's okay to look...' __________________ The Constitution gives every American the right to make a total fool out of himself. But that doesn't mean you need to.

04-30-2007, 10:19 AM	#7
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	yeah, that kinda squicked me too __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

04-30-2007, 12:08 AM	#4
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	yeah I know, I suck

04-30-2007, 10:34 AM	#8
freshnesschronic Professor Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 1,555	I don't get how online dating can exist. I know some people are quiet and shy and maybe antisocial but, but...how can someone suck so much with the opposite sex they need to be matched up with someone on the internet. If you can't get it done in real life why is this gonna make it easier? Real life is so much harder!!!!

04-30-2007, 11:38 AM	#9
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	I think it's about meeting people. I never had trouble meeting anyone when I was in college either. After you graduate, you don't meet as many people.

04-30-2007, 11:41 AM	#10
Hime Extraordinary Machine Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Outside of Washington, DC Posts: 307	I always thought that slogan meant "looking at an online dating site doesn't make you a dork or a loser," not "it's ok to check out profiles even if you're married." I hope I'm right, because that would be skeevy! I actually met my fiance online, but neither of us was looking on dating sites or anything -- we just made friends on a forum sort of like this one and decided to meet in person. Other people I know have had good luck with dating sites, though -- not necessarily because they aren't good with the opposite sex, but because depending on your lifestyle (if you don't go to parties and bars a lot, and aren't in school) it can be hard and time-consuming to meet people. On the actual topic: Depends on how you define "cheating." The standard definition, sleeping with someone else against your partner's wishes and without their knowledge, is a pretty good way to screw up a relationship and leaves way too much of a mess to be worth it. Anything short of sex is up to the individual couple, though -- I know people who think it's ok for their husband to get a lap dance, or feel someone's boobs, or make out, etc. And of course I know plenty of couples where one partner is bi and is "allowed" to have fun with people of their own sex as long as they are honest about it and use protection. If that works for them, awesome. In my relationship, the general assumption is that sexual contact with other people is not ok. I hug my guy friends, dance with guys in clubs, etc, and he sometimes gets a kiss on the cheek from a girl friend, but anything sexual/romantic in nature (kissing on the lips, fondling, grinding...) is out of the comfort zone. I would be ok with him going to a strip club with friends, but not with him getting a personal dance. There's also definitely emotional cheating -- letting someone in in ways that you don't let in your partner. I think that sometimes that can be just as bad for a relationship, or at least, that the temptation to do that can be as much of an indicator that something is wrong than the temptation to schtup someone else can be. I have friends who have cheated, or who have been the "other woman." I don't think it automatically makes someone a Bad Person, but I tend to think that it is always a bad idea.

04-30-2007, 01:47 PM	#15
freshnesschronic Professor Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 1,555	I didn't mean to offend anyone who online dates, but I'm just confused about how people can take it seriously. But I guess I don't know the world of work, soooo meh. I mean I never had a girlfriend until junior year in high school and that took hard social effort for me, a guy no girls had interest in in junior high ever. That is all. I did create an account at match.com and so did my girlfriend and we tried to see if we would match up but we didn't. That's why I'm like "this is silly."

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