Getting a locksmith on the flat earth

[Undertoad]

I was locked out of my house on Tuesday.

I used google maps to find the locksmith closest to me, in Eagleville.

(Eagleville is three miles away.)

Called the number listed, and went through a series of ring-throughs until automation came on: select 1 if you are a new customer, 2 if you are a previous customer.

Ring-throughs again, to another automation: select 1 if you need immediate service, select 2 if you are a business with a contract.

Rings to a live human, who can barely speak English. He takes my name, address and telephone number. He cannot hear well enough for me to spell my last name. After he takes all my information, his "computer crashes" and he has to take it all again.

He then puts me on hold, and the hold music is a radio station. It plays some ads for places I'm not familiar with, and then announces that it's 101.5, Tampa Bay.

(Tampa Bay is 800 miles away.)

The guy comes back on to tell me that he has found a locksmith for me and located my address, and the locksmith will be at my house in 20 minutes, and will call 10 minutes out to verify. OK.

Wait 25 minutes, and the locksmith calls. The caller-id reports his area code as 702. Nevada.

(Nevada is 2000 miles away.)

In a thick Arabic accent, he asks for my cross-streets. He figures out where I am, apologizes for being late and says he'll be there in ten minutes. And sure enough he does show in ten more minutes, and proceeds to open the door in 5 seconds. As much as I've heard it takes a good locksmith only seconds to pick the house locks, it's always amazing to see. In his thick Arabic accent he again apologizes for being late, and explains that he had to drive up from Philly.

(Philly is 15 miles and one extremely crowded highway away).

The total price for the service is $149.