Is it over? - Page 2

anonymousfornow · 07-02-2006, 12:32 PM

But here's the truth. GOOD PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS TO THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE. If there was something intrinsically wrong with the relationship, a man who loves you will probably approach you about it instead of slapping his pic on the net and trolling for sex (at ten months?)

Perhaps this is where the problem lies. Maybe he isn't in love with me.

MsSparkie · 07-03-2006, 11:30 AM

"Acceptance
Loss and subsequent grieving is a powerful, transformative time. It is a time to take care of yourself, to let go of the past and to create a future. Unfortunately, many people get stuck in one of the stages of grief, unable to complete their process and move on.

If you are experiencing loss and grief right now, if you have recently ended or are in the process of ending a relationship, I would like to support you in moving through it in an empowering way. I've created the following list of suggestions for you to keep handy to help you cope:

Remember that you...

• will feel pain

• have survived this type of pain before and will this time as well

• will feel lonely

• are ok and lovable

Accept that...

• the relationship is over
• your ex partner has both good and bad qualities; do not idealize or discount him/her

Focus on...

• yourself
• personal growth
• self care

Get complete with...

• yourself
• your ex

Own...

• the magnificence of who you are
• your part in the relationship break-up

Give yourself time to...

• grieve
• be alone
• recover

Make sure that you...

• get touch, from friends or a body therapist
• have someone to come home to sometimes, like a relative or a friend

Reinvent...

• your community
• yourself
• your future
• your dreams

If you're experiencing the end of a short-term relationship, consider the following:

Realize that...

• the pain you feel is not about your ex partner, but about your past
• if you start healing your past, the pain will subside
• holding on to anger at an ex partner will keep you attached and in pain

Get complete with...

• your ex partner
• all of your ex partners
• your parents

Give yourself...

• room to grieve
• room to grow

Build for yourself...

• a community
• self-esteem
• a life that you love

Whether you are ending a long-term or a short-term relationship:

• don't look for a new relationship until you are done grieving
• trust that when ready you will attract the right partner
• welcome the pain as an opportunity to evolve

It's through self-evolution that you will be able to create the relationship of your dreams."

by Rinatta Paries

skysidhe · 06-14-2007, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

I am in shock and looking for some magic.

I feel for ya there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

Men like 'plenty' but they like 'plenty of DIFFERENT' even more.

What do you love about him? His duplicity? His sneaky-ness? His ability to pose for XXX pix to send to complete strangers?

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlternateGray

This was calculated. Don't forget it.

sneaky,caculated...and wanting to try on the playboy role.

I think they already gave pretty good reasons to split.It's a matter of self respect. You were not treated with dignity, respect or honesty so no loyalty should be comming to a scoundrel.

WabUfvot5 · 07-02-2006, 08:15 PM

a certain number of men are very good at triggering attraction in women. most aren't callous about it but a certain number are.

Ibby · 07-02-2006, 10:09 PM

you know, it just now occurred to me how exactly like middle/high school drama real life is. Everyone always talks about high school drama like it goes away...

disenchanted · 07-03-2006, 01:02 AM

I've been encouraged once to post my own experience, but I've not yet gotten around to that.

All I'll say is that I'm freshly out of a relationship that lasted eight years. I don't know that she ever cheated on me, and due to some past experiences, I think I actively don't want to know if she had.

I've got no evidence that suggests she was unfaithful, so for my own mental health, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

But I have to say, if your tenure is only measured in months, posting online personals suggests that his heart isn't there. Cut and run, before you get hurt even more.

-disenchanted

wolf · 07-03-2006, 01:40 AM

If you caught him once, he's done it a dozen times.

Dump.

skysidhe · 07-03-2006, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ibram

you know, it just now occurred to me how exactly like middle/high school drama real life is. Everyone always talks about high school drama like it goes away...

I think it isn't as bad in real life as sharp as the internet presents it? I mean it's more quiet don't you think? I mean a group of people at work won't be talking like this outloud.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

If you caught him once, he's done it a dozen times.

Dump.

Yes, the odds say it is so. He has done it more than once.

but to soften it. I got caught up in a user for a few years myself. Now I don't trust myself anymore .

I know the idea of what you want...what could be is beautiful but if you arn't on the same page then he should go bye bye.

yesman065 · 07-03-2006, 10:14 AM

I don't know either of you, but I would lose him so fast he would have trouble figuring out what happened. I think you are horrified that you found out and can't believe you didn't know, ie. "How could I have been so stupid?" Forget it! - you aren't stupid - He's a dickhead. A lying, cheating, immoral scumbag that will only bring you grief and perhaps one day an STD. Neither of which you want! Show him the door. The sooner, the better for you. Go and find a nice guy who will treat you right.

07-03-2006, 03:27 PM

Porn is not cheating, the two have nothing to do with each other. In no way can that stretch be made.

Do what I used to do, send him a Thank You card... thanks for letting me know who you are and what you are now, before I spent any more of my valuable time on you. If if was very bad I sent a gift or flowers, usually at work.
Was not a drunken one-night-mistake, premeditated cheat... he has done it before and was going to do it again. That is why he had the pictures on hand.
I am very sorry this happened to you and am sending you loving and healing energy.

anonymousfornow · 07-04-2006, 09:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

Porn is not cheating, the two have nothing to do with each other. In no way can that stretch be made.

Do what I used to do, send him a Thank You card... thanks for letting me know who you are and what you are now, before I spent any more of my valuable time on you. If if was very bad I sent a gift or flowers, usually at work.
Was not a drunken one-night-mistake, premeditated cheat... he has done it before and was going to do it again. That is why he had the pictures on hand.
I am very sorry this happened to you and am sending you loving and healing energy.

I have no issues with porn in moderation. As a woman, I enjoy it sometimes. I dont mind videos, or magazines laying around the house. I don't mind going to the strip club once in awhile either. I've decided that men are going to do these things and it cannot be stopped. Only hidden. Given all the above criteria...I am suppose to be in a monogamous relationship and I draw the line at invitations to his apartment. We are 3 days out from my original post and although I'm trying to deal with this I am not doing a very good job. I had an all out anxiety attack on the way to work yesterday morning. We went out last night and I look at him differently. I hate that this component has crept into our relationship and so early on at that. I have made an internal decision not to make any more emotional deposits in his bank, because if I look at this objectively...he has never made a deposit...only withdrawls. I'm still looking to get in touch with my anger but I've looked for it and it isnt there. I'm just sad.

AlternateGray · 07-04-2006, 10:37 AM

Now, I obviously do not know either of you, and me offering advice to you on this subject is either hypocritical or ironic. Probably both. And making judgements based on your last post alone is foolhardy at best.

BUT. It sounds very much like you're not going to end this relationship. You're waiting for your anger to do it for you; some magical wave of willpower and indignation that's going to free you from the bonds of giving a rat's ass about this guy.

It's not going to happen. No more emotional deposits? Every second you spend in this relationship will be a deposit; whether you tell him or not, every bit of sadness (and eventually, anger) you choke down is going to be an emotional deposit. Just not a healthy one. Don't fool yourself. If you're in love with him, there is no halfway point. Your emotions are not like water from a faucet that you can cut down to a trickle and control. Just leave.

If you, God forbid, do stay with him, keep in mind that this is when you form the foundation of your relationship... and for that foundation to be halfway decent, certain things have to happen.
1. You have to confront him with what he's done
2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you.
3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and
4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it.
Now, mind you, I would ask you why in the hell you'd even want to go down this path. IMH-andhypocritical-O, it's the wrong one. But I know why. And I'm tellin' you now, if you stay, and those four steps don't get done...

anonymousfornow · 07-04-2006, 01:15 PM

1. You have to confront him with what he's done
2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you.
3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and
4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it.

These 4 things have happened.

Trilby · 07-04-2006, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

1. You have to confront him with what he's done
2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you.
3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and
4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it.

These 4 things have happened.

Then your back to being the happy couple?

MsSparkie · 07-04-2006, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousfornow

.......I have made an internal decision not to make any more emotional deposits in his bank, because if I look at this objectively...he has never made a deposit...only withdrawls. I'm still looking to get in touch with my anger but I've looked for it and it isnt there. I'm just sad.

(((((((((((anonymousfornow)))))))))))))))

That is a great decision, and I bet you might fluxuate on it, some back and forth....that's normal. Maintaining your dignity is important.

What is he saying about things? Did he agree that you were exclusive? Where does he want your relationship to go?

I wish you both the very best.

07-03-2006, 11:30 AM	#2
MsSparkie Curious Sagittarius Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Toronto, Canada Posts: 302	"Acceptance Loss and subsequent grieving is a powerful, transformative time. It is a time to take care of yourself, to let go of the past and to create a future. Unfortunately, many people get stuck in one of the stages of grief, unable to complete their process and move on. If you are experiencing loss and grief right now, if you have recently ended or are in the process of ending a relationship, I would like to support you in moving through it in an empowering way. I've created the following list of suggestions for you to keep handy to help you cope: Remember that you... • will feel pain • have survived this type of pain before and will this time as well • will feel lonely • are ok and lovable Accept that... • the relationship is over • your ex partner has both good and bad qualities; do not idealize or discount him/her Focus on... • yourself • personal growth • self care Get complete with... • yourself • your ex Own... • the magnificence of who you are • your part in the relationship break-up Give yourself time to... • grieve • be alone • recover Make sure that you... • get touch, from friends or a body therapist • have someone to come home to sometimes, like a relative or a friend Reinvent... • your community • yourself • your future • your dreams If you're experiencing the end of a short-term relationship, consider the following: Realize that... • the pain you feel is not about your ex partner, but about your past • if you start healing your past, the pain will subside • holding on to anger at an ex partner will keep you attached and in pain Get complete with... • your ex partner • all of your ex partners • your parents Give yourself... • room to grieve • room to grow Build for yourself... • a community • self-esteem • a life that you love Whether you are ending a long-term or a short-term relationship: • don't look for a new relationship until you are done grieving • trust that when ready you will attract the right partner • welcome the pain as an opportunity to evolve It's through self-evolution that you will be able to create the relationship of your dreams." by Rinatta Paries __________________ ~There is a forest in an acorn......

07-02-2006, 10:09 PM	#5
Ibby erika Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: "the high up north" Posts: 6,127	you know, it just now occurred to me how exactly like middle/high school drama real life is. Everyone always talks about high school drama like it goes away... __________________ not really back, you didn't see me, i was never here shhhhhh

07-03-2006, 01:40 AM	#7
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	If you caught him once, he's done it a dozen times. Dump. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

07-04-2006, 10:37 AM	#12
AlternateGray red-shirt guy Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Colorado Posts: 101	Now, I obviously do not know either of you, and me offering advice to you on this subject is either hypocritical or ironic. Probably both. And making judgements based on your last post alone is foolhardy at best. BUT. It sounds very much like you're not going to end this relationship. You're waiting for your anger to do it for you; some magical wave of willpower and indignation that's going to free you from the bonds of giving a rat's ass about this guy. It's not going to happen. No more emotional deposits? Every second you spend in this relationship will be a deposit; whether you tell him or not, every bit of sadness (and eventually, anger) you choke down is going to be an emotional deposit. Just not a healthy one. Don't fool yourself. If you're in love with him, there is no halfway point. Your emotions are not like water from a faucet that you can cut down to a trickle and control. Just leave. If you, God forbid, do stay with him, keep in mind that this is when you form the foundation of your relationship... and for that foundation to be halfway decent, certain things have to happen. 1. You have to confront him with what he's done 2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you. 3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and 4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it. Now, mind you, I would ask you why in the hell you'd even want to go down this path. IMH-andhypocritical-O, it's the wrong one. But I know why. And I'm tellin' you now, if you stay, and those four steps don't get done... __________________ If it wasn't for hypergraphia, I wouldn't have put anything here at all.

07-02-2006, 12:32 PM	#1
anonymousfornow May Ter Dee Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 26	But here's the truth. GOOD PEOPLE DON'T DO THIS TO THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE. If there was something intrinsically wrong with the relationship, a man who loves you will probably approach you about it instead of slapping his pic on the net and trolling for sex (at ten months?) Perhaps this is where the problem lies. Maybe he isn't in love with me.

07-02-2006, 08:15 PM	#4
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	a certain number of men are very good at triggering attraction in women. most aren't callous about it but a certain number are.

07-03-2006, 01:02 AM	#6
disenchanted Resident President Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 81	I've been encouraged once to post my own experience, but I've not yet gotten around to that. All I'll say is that I'm freshly out of a relationship that lasted eight years. I don't know that she ever cheated on me, and due to some past experiences, I think I actively don't want to know if she had. I've got no evidence that suggests she was unfaithful, so for my own mental health, I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. But I have to say, if your tenure is only measured in months, posting online personals suggests that his heart isn't there. Cut and run, before you get hurt even more. -disenchanted

07-03-2006, 10:14 AM	#9
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	I don't know either of you, but I would lose him so fast he would have trouble figuring out what happened. I think you are horrified that you found out and can't believe you didn't know, ie. "How could I have been so stupid?" Forget it! - you aren't stupid - He's a dickhead. A lying, cheating, immoral scumbag that will only bring you grief and perhaps one day an STD. Neither of which you want! Show him the door. The sooner, the better for you. Go and find a nice guy who will treat you right.

07-03-2006, 03:27 PM	#10
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Porn is not cheating, the two have nothing to do with each other. In no way can that stretch be made. Do what I used to do, send him a Thank You card... thanks for letting me know who you are and what you are now, before I spent any more of my valuable time on you. If if was very bad I sent a gift or flowers, usually at work. Was not a drunken one-night-mistake, premeditated cheat... he has done it before and was going to do it again. That is why he had the pictures on hand. I am very sorry this happened to you and am sending you loving and healing energy.

07-04-2006, 01:15 PM	#13
anonymousfornow May Ter Dee Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 26	1. You have to confront him with what he's done 2. He needs to own up to what he's done, and sincerely express regret. No excuses. If he gets defensive, you've got a bad, rough road ahead of you. 3. He needs to be honest about why he did it, and 4. You have to able to at least start to forgive him for it. These 4 things have happened.

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