gains of giving up

[limey]

Originally Posted by traceur

there is a lot i could have done differently ...

No, I don't think so. You did the best you could with the knowledge and circumstances you had at the time.

Originally Posted by traceur

... out of all the crap, there was one positive thought in my head on the flight back home, a sigh, a big boulder falling from my shoulders letting in air to areas that haven't breathed in a long time, "she's not here to judge me anymore" - to constantly test & reevaluate me".

and there was no solution, nothing i could have done to make that stop, because in a world where everything's a symbol, there is no sense of proportions - the biggest gesture is no more meaningful then the smallest, every bottle of soda bought, everything i've ever done for myself, no matter how small compared to what i do for them, was still failing a test of how much i am willing to sacrifice for her and my stepson. there would never be something so meaningful i could do to put all the others to rest, there would never be a test i can finally pass so that there would be no more tests.
....

This sounds like living hell. A good relationship is based on shared goals, mutual respect and clear communication. Where's the partnership in being constantly tested and re-evaluated? Sounds to me like you're well out of it.