I'm Jim, and I'm a Compulsive Overeater

[lumberjim]

fixing my body is easy at this point. It comes under the heading: Things I can control.

Fixing my mind is slightly more challenging, but doable.

Fixing the damage I did to the trust in our marriage.... I can't really control that.

I have to learn to accept that fact, and just pray and trust that if I do handle the things I can control that, hopefully.... things will work out.

[jinx]

He knows how to diet. He knows how to manage money. He understands the consequences of not doing these things.

The problem isn't overeating, or overspending. The problems are dishonesty, sneakiness, the need to be getting away with something, the need to be destructive. This is what he needs help with. This is what I can't understand and don't want to be around anymore.

I find out something fucked up, somehow, not from him, and I confront him with it. He makes excuses, apologies, promises.... says anything he thinks I want to hear to make it go away. Doesn't mean any of it, just keeps on doing, until the next fucked up thing pops up. These things become a pattern of behavior on top of the actual issue of the moment - but that's on me. That makes me unforgiving.

He knows the things he does are wrong so he hides them from me. If I don't ask direct and specific questions, I'll never find out, and it's all good in his mind. Over and over and over again for years and years and years. He's even recruited friends to hide things from me.

It's all on me, but it's all hidden from me so I can't really do anything about it. And now the trust and our marriage is all on me. He even told the kids that - that he doesn't want to split up, that it's all my decision.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm screwed either way.

[Pooka]

I'm sorry Jinx. That is a terrible position to be in. I hope everything works out.

I hope he is able to identify why he feels the need to hid these things and is able to work through it.

I wish you both the best.

[lumberjim]

Originally Posted by jinx

He knows how to diet. He knows how to manage money. He understands the consequences of not doing these things.

The problem isn't overeating, or overspending. The problems are dishonesty, sneakiness, the need to be getting away with something, the need to be destructive. This is what he needs help with. This is what I can't understand and don't want to be around anymore.

I find out something fucked up, somehow, not from him, and I confront him with it. He makes excuses, apologies, promises.... says anything he thinks I want to hear to make it go away. Doesn't mean any of it, just keeps on doing, until the next fucked up thing pops up. These things become a pattern of behavior on top of the actual issue of the moment - but that's on me. That makes me unforgiving.

He knows the things he does are wrong so he hides them from me. If I don't ask direct and specific questions, I'll never find out, and it's all good in his mind. Over and over and over again for years and years and years. He's even recruited friends to hide things from me.

It's all on me, but it's all hidden from me so I can't really do anything about it. And now the trust and our marriage is all on me. He even told the kids that - that he doesn't want to split up, that it's all my decision.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm screwed either way.

that's all true.

I will change.

I'm sorry about what I said to the kids. I told them that as soon as you were ready to let me back in, I was there. I did not think of the position it puts you in with them. I was trying to assure them that I was working hard to get back with you. mea culpa.

[glatt]

It's not all on you, jinx.

I don't have any sage advice for you guys, but I'm rooting for you both.


There's got to be a middle way. People generally lie when they are trying to avoid "punishment" for something. They don't want to get in trouble, so they lie to avoid it. Take away the punishment, and you take away the motivation for lying. At the same time, structuring your lives differently so that the bad behavior is less of an option should reduce incidents of it. If it's money, taking control of the finances. If it's something else, there may be other things you guys can do.

Of course, saying to him he won't get in trouble when he's doing whatever he's doing assumes that the behavior is something you can live with when it does happen. If the bad behavior is a deal breaker, then it's not going to work.

I'm on the outside, so I have no idea what you guys are dealing with. But you can probably find a middle way if you look for it.

[jinx]

Originally Posted by glatt

It's not all on you, jinx.

There's got to be a middle way. People generally lie when they are trying to avoid "punishment" for something. They don't want to get in trouble, so they lie to avoid it. Take away the punishment, and you take away the motivation for lying. At the same time, structuring your lives differently so that the bad behavior is less of an option should reduce incidents of it. If it's money, taking control of the finances. If it's something else, there may be other things you guys can do.

Of course, saying to him he won't get in trouble when he's doing whatever he's doing assumes that the behavior is something you can live with when it does happen. If the bad behavior is a deal breaker, then it's not going to work.

I'm on the outside, so I have no idea what you guys are dealing with. But you can probably find a middle way if you look for it.

Thanks glatt. A middle way would be good.
Right now, from my perspective, Jim does want to be in trouble. He wants me to act like a mom to him. We've discussed this, and that I'm not into it several times.

Any action can, and has been, taken to the deal breaker level if one tries hard enough - that's the reason I stepped in to steer the help towards the problem and not the specific actions. I'd like to figure out the motivation for the deal breaking shit. The obvious one is that one wants out of the relationship. If that's not it, then what?

[squirell nutkin]

Originally Posted by jinx

... I'd like to figure out the motivation for the deal breaking shit. The obvious one is that one wants out of the relationship. If that's not it, then what?

jinx, I would be willing to guess that is not the case, but since I don't really know either of you I can't say for sure, but I bet that isn't it. People sabotage themselves for a lot of reasons, most of them unconscious. The older I get the more it seems to me that all of us are starring in a play that we are writing called "This is the story of my life" It's easy for me to see it in my MIL. She was a child in Germany during WWII, they were refugees, they were poor, the city was bombed, it was chaos and destruction. This woman re creates that chaos and destruction, literally, in her life. It's as if she is saying, through her life and actions: "Look! Look at what happened to me!"

I think all of us have had some sort of tragedy in our lives as kids or teens or adults. We often get "Stuck" there and we keep reliving it, recreating it.

Consider joining an ACOA or CODA group I think it will give you a lot of perspective into Jim's behavior as well as give you ways to cope and protect your own mental health. Mrs. Nutkin began to go after the whole meltdown with her mom a year or so ago, it has helped her immeasurably in dealing with her batshit insane mother. And Jim isn't so batshit insane as all that.

Also, I'd recommend you read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" as well as Jim. The book is exactly about what you are describing in Jim's behaviour.