Step-life

[kerosene]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

My role as a stepmom is a little different than yours because biomom is certifiably insane, and it's better for everyone, including the kids, if there are no attempts to co-parent or even communicate beyond basic information about what's going on with the kids.

Actually, this is pretty much exactly how it is, here. right down to the manipulation and trying to make Dad look like a bad guy. We try to take the high road as much as possible. The most frustrating thing she does is try to convince sd that she (sd) does not want to be here.

Bruce, you may be on to something. They probably do pick up on my tendency to overcompensate. And I know that is not good for bio-son, but I am probably over-obsessing.

Monster, the biggest issue I have is this religious group her mom belongs to. In fact, all of my inlaws and her relatives are part of this (scarily close to cultishness.) She will absolutely not allow her to cut her hair, wear jewelry, etc. But that isn't the problem. Where I get annoyed is when the obvious judgment comes in. SD doesn't see it, because it is so much a part of her other lifestyle, but it makes me want to cry. These people are so absolute. They treat people outside their group with so little respect. I still try to take the high road with this, too, but it is definitely heartbreaking to watch as this unfolds.

Thanks to all of you adding to this thread. Your responses are truly giving me perspective and even some relief.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Ouija boards, and magic 8 balls, are fake. Take satisfaction in knowing, you're doing the best you can.

[monster]

Originally Posted by kerosene

Where I get annoyed is when the obvious judgment comes in. SD doesn't see it, because it is so much a part of her other lifestyle, but it makes me want to cry. These people are so absolute. They treat people outside their group with so little respect. I still try to take the high road with this, too, but it is definitely heartbreaking to watch as this unfolds..

Judgment by her of you/your family, or of her by others in the group for associating with you?

[kerosene]

Originally Posted by monster

Judgment by her of you/your family, or of her by others in the group for associating with you?

The second thing, for sure. Not the first thing, so much. I don't think she judges me, specifically. In fact, she is a very smart girl and sees through a lot of the weirdness and brainwashing, already. But, I watch her struggle with basic decisions, like "Will my mom get mad if I cut my bangs?"


Thank you for that very deep and helpful perspective, BigV. I have more to add, but I will have to do it later.

[monster]

Originally Posted by kerosene

she is a very smart girl and sees through a lot of the weirdness and brainwashing, already. But, I watch her struggle with basic decisions, like "Will my mom get mad if I cut my bangs?"

Then your role seems clear to me, although not easy.

Firstly, you need to make sure her dad (as the bio parent in your camp) is in total agreement with you

Then your role is to discuss these things with her, as and when they come up, providing the non brain-washed real world perspective and the effects of that on the brainwashed world and vice versa.

So re your cutting bangs example... you tell her that the majority of good Christian people do not believe that is it a sin, that it's a practicality rather than a vanity, and that if she really wants to do it you will support her 100% and maybe even take her to a hairdresser who will do a nice, conservative job ...

....And you tell her that each person needs to find their own spiritual path in life, and it doesn't always completely follow the path of their parents...

....And you tell her that each person needs to decide which battles are worth fighting. Does she want to cut her bangs more than she wants her mother/the church not to look down on her? Might it be better to stay put at this point in case there's another "rebellion" she cares more about further down the line?

[kerosene]

Thank you monster, and you are right. Dad has these discussions with her, and it has been good. This summer seems to be a little better, since she is older, now and able to see what is happening. I think it is a good thing she has someone not part of that group to get a basis in reality at least once a year. The bangs are just one example. Bio-mom does a lot to try to leverage control over her, including trying to convince her that these "meeting" people are the *only* right way and that she should not be coming here in the summers. I am proud of how strong she has become. She sees through this stuff, and still wants to come here.

[classicman]

Originally Posted by kerosene

(xxx-)mom does a lot to try to leverage control over her, including trying to convince her that these "meeting" people are the *only* right way and that she should not be coming here in the summers. I am proud of how strong she has become. She sees through this stuff, and still wants to come here.

I feel as if I typed that myself... Good for her and good for you.