Divorce: perparing for the war

[it]

...

[limey]

Several dwellars have and I am sure they will be able to help. Meanwhile you have my sympathy - come here to vent all you like!

[Big Sarge]

i know the feeling. i went over a year and a half without seeing my youngest. bitter court battle, lots of money spent, and now the ex and i are friends

[it]

big sarge, may i ask... how much money?

Originally Posted by limey

Several dwellars have and I am sure they will be able to help. Meanwhile you have my sympathy - come here to vent all you like!

i sort of already did vent a lot about it... what's left of my anger is pretty much silent rage and a lot of anxiety at this point.

i am mad at her for going this route, but right now there's an irational part in my brain fantasizing that this is somehow for the better, that its all going to come out of a legal drama movie, that the judge is going to see my boy call me dad and run to me and she's going to decide to give me shared custody or at least visiting rights like weekends and holidays and the canadian parmement residence to fulfill them. then after a long process of therapy which is going to take a 5 minute montage, my stubborn never-changes-her-opinions-on-anything xwife is going to magically see her errors and ask herself what kind of person she was to have done all this shit and what lead us to that point, beg for forgiveness.
then i'll get the witts cognitive skills and beauty i originally fall inlove with along an all new aspect of the emotional intelligence required for a health relationship, our love is rekindled and we'll all be a happy family again, living happily ever after, our son will be first president of united earth government, we travel all over the world, and genetic engineering will keep her perfect butt and shapely hips until the day we die together giving each other heart attacks while her improved foot-longer legs embrace me.

that's what's going to happen, right?

[limey]

Originally Posted by traceur

... this is somehow for the better ...

This but is true but it won't look like it just yet, I fear. Hang in there.

[sexobon]

Hmmm, this milk smells like it's gone bad. Maybe if I put it back in the fridge again it'll be OK tomorrow.

[classicman]

In many cases, NOT ALL ...
The only people that "make out" from a bitter divorce are the attys. The get rich playing off your fear/anxiety/worry/anger... They are masterful at it.
Talk to her somehow and discuss the waste that it will be and see if you two can put your differences aside and agree to something.
Mine cost tens of thousands - just on my side. She still hasn't paid her attys. as far as I know. YMMV

[Clodfobble]

Mr. Clod's custody battle, which he did as cheaply as humanly possible and didn't involve divorce proceedings at all, just the custody question... it cost about $6,000 all told.

[Stormieweather]

Where's the vent? So I can get the backstory...

Kids are the innocent victims in a divorce. They don't deserve the hurts they receive as a result of the machinations involved in a family breaking up.

So my first suggestion would be to try to resolve this through talking, as Classic said. Is there a specific reason she said you won't be talking to your child? Or just vindictiveness? Does she care at all about the child's well-being? Seeing both parents IS in the best interests of the child (unless you are an axe murderer or rapist or child molester or something else horrible). And it's the law. So if she refuses to consider complying with the law and insists on being unreasonable, I would probably play hardball and go for full custody.

I have read snippets that lead me to believe this issue spans the US/Canadian border? There are plenty of legalities involved with visitation/custody/support when it's international, I highly recommend a good lawyer to help you with this.

Also, be proactive, don't just react to her. Decide what you want and go after it, instead of wait for her to attack and then defend.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by Stormieweather

And it's the law. So if she refuses to consider complying with the law and insists on being unreasonable, I would probably play hardball and go for full custody.

It's important to note that it isn't actually his child. He was a stay-at-home stepdad for 2 years, which is certainly emotionally important to the kid, but legally, he's not even a resident of the country. He has absolutely no rights to see him, unless she magnanimously decides to allow it.

Traceur, if what you really want is residency and a relationship with this child, I'd do everything I could to place nice with her. But it sounds like she's beyond that, and you may not be in a position to "save" the kid from her or anything else. Also remember that with any visitation granted will come child support, thousands upon thousands of dollars a year. If you get put on record as the nominal dad, that's permanent, and that money will continue to flow from you no matter where she moves or who else she shacks up with. It may be time to batten down the hatches and just protect yourself as best you can.

[glatt]

And if you don't pay child support that you are supposed to be paying, in the US, you can be thrown in jail until you pay. I know someone (a real jerk) who had this happen to him. He spent about a month in jail before his parents came up with the thousands of dollars he owed his ex.

[Stormieweather]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

It's important to note that it isn't actually his child. He was a stay-at-home stepdad for 2 years, which is certainly emotionally important to the kid, but legally, he's not even a resident of the country. He has absolutely no rights to see him, unless she magnanimously decides to allow it.

Traceur, if what you really want is residency and a relationship with this child, I'd do everything I could to place nice with her. But it sounds like she's beyond that, and you may not be in a position to "save" the kid from her or anything else. Also remember that with any visitation granted will come child support, thousands upon thousands of dollars a year. If you get put on record as the nominal dad, that's permanent, and that money will continue to flow from you no matter where she moves or who else she shacks up with. It may be time to batten down the hatches and just protect yourself as best you can.

Gotcha. That's why I asked for the backstory. Disregard my advice as irrelevant.

As ex-step dad, you probably don't have any rights that she doesn't grant you.

I let my son go visit his ex-step dad along with his half-sister for as long as everyone involved wanted it. Both son and XSD lost interest fairly rapidly and they haven't spoken in years now.

[Undertoad]

Traceur, make one of your own! Reproducing your own DNA is one of your main goals as a member of the human race.

[it]

honestly when we where together i didnt see a contradiction adopting him as my own and having children because she continuesly talked about wanting to have children with me and it was me putting it off for better economical times when we both have income... i guess that doesn't really apply anymore.

and as far as talking things out, i tried that there, i tried that here first thing when i came back, and then i tried asking for a 6 month cool down period... she 'nay'ed me on all 3, she's as far off beyond reason as she can be.

i should note that she is still getting child support form the boy's biological father, not x husband, but at some point before me she went on welfare and the government sued him to pay it before they would need to, and she's still getting money for it, even though its the minimum legal amount (150$ a month). can she even get child support from one x and spousal support from another?

and do lawyers have... payment plans?

[Clodfobble]

Hoo boy... no, they can't order child support from two people (at least not in the US.) But that also makes your chances of getting visitation even less.

Here's how I see it: you're already in another country, so presumably you took all your stuff, and you must not have any major pieces of shared property like a house or car. So just walk away. Let her file the divorce papers in absentia, let her pay her lawyer to do everything. You don't have to hire a lawyer at all, as long as you're not trying to fight for anything.