marriage issues (long)

[LabRat]

I guess I eluded to this in the sex thread, but I am having some personal questions about my marriage.

Since becoming a mom, I have been doing a lot of reflection on who I want my daughter to be. Because I know they will grow up under the influence of who you are, I want to become the best person I can for her. Which means working on my major flaws. (motherhood makes you do these crazy things). One of the things I am working on is my need to be right, and have the last word. Another is communication. I want to have what my parents and I didn't. An open line so that no matter what, she knows I will be there and give her 100% of my non-judgemental attention. I want her to be comfortable asking me any questions.

In my quest to be the best role model, I am realizing that my marriage isn't what I want it to be. I don't really love my husband in all the ways I think I should, and this is leading to tensions that I don't want my daughter to think is normal in a marriage. Because I am unhappy, I am taking it out on my husband in ways that are unhealthy. I hate the way I treat him sometimes, but I don't know how to stop. I snap at him for stupid things, and call him 'stupid' or whatever for things I should just ignore, and I hate it.

We have been together for 11 years, married for 6. Bottom line, I am pretty sure I married him for the wrong reasons. I really want to make it work, but I don't know if it's possible.

Necessary background:

When we met, I was 17 and just having a good time, learning to party, sowing my sexual wild oats etc. He was a part of a group of friends that I often hung out with, and was a really nice, funny guy. I was still in the learning curve with alcohol, and he was always there with whatever I wanted. I get horny when I drink, and we usually ended up making out and eventually having sex. I wasn't that serious about it, but he apparently was. I did like him a lot, and looking back on it, I believe he pretty much stalked me. We ended up being exclusive, but he was never very trusting of me, always worried I would go out and find someone better etc.

When my dad died when I was 22 he was there for me when no one else was. His family had a closeness and communication that mine lacked and I envied. They all helped me thru a horrible time in my life, and I felt wholly indebted to them. (My mom and I have never had a good relationship communication wise. We never did anything like lots of mom's and daughters, and frankly I like his mom a whole lot better than my own. We get along awesomely.) When D asked me to marry him 3 mo later, I said yes because at that time, I could honestly see myself with him forever. He was the first one to really listen to me when I talked, and tried to help me figure out what was really bothering me when I was down. I figured, yeah, I am not all that sexually attracted to him, but I learned to close my eyes. When doing so, it was great, we seemed to fit each other in all the right places. And really, I thought, most couples get divorced because the initial sexual attraction wears off, and they find out they have nothing else in common. We seemed to have generally the same philosophies about life, parenting etc. so I figured it would be a good life spent with him. A couple of weeks before we were to get married, I ended up totally breaking down, not wanting to get married. I don't ever remember how it all went down, but I remember sitting in my in-laws living room with my mom and his parents and just sobbing, so confused. Not wanting to let everyone down, but not wanting to get married either. I just couldn't bring myself to say what I was really feeling, because I didn't want to hurt all these people who had done so much for me. Obviously I got married, because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Looking back now, I think the reason that no one else was there for me was because all of my friends left because I was with him. None of my friends liked him. Ever. They thought he was to obsessive and controlling. I think I partially married him just to prove they were wrong. One of my many personality flaws...too fucking stubborn to admit I might be wrong.

So, what now? I want to find a marriage counselor, right now for me alone, and tell them everything I have said here (I'll be printing a copy ).

Even if there are no replies to this, just writing it out and reflecting on it helps, so I will be updating this as progress ensues. If you made it this far, thanks for listening, and feel free to reply or PM me with any useful input. LR

[jaguar]

Good luck. Staying in an unhappy marriage isn't necessarily or even on average, better for the kid, keep that in mind.

[dar512]

Definitely go to counseling. If you have health insurance, they may even pay part of the tab.

If you find a good counselor, they will not only help you find yourself, but they will be a cheerleader for you.

Don't put this off. You will feel better just knowing you are working on making things better.

Good luck.

[elSicomoro]

Good luck, LabRat. I hope everything works out for you in the end.

[Trilby]

Oh, Labrat! I can so relate to this. I've been twice divorced and I felt about my first husband like you feel about yours. I've been divorced from him for 14 years and I can honestly say that I wish I had tried harder to keep it together with him. Not because he's a great person or "perfect" for me, but because I didn't try, I didn't allow for the possibility of growth; I just jumped out of the marriage the way I had jumped in. Hang in there, you've got plenty of time to sort this out. Don't do anything rash. Counseling is the best thing you can do for yourself but make sure you respect the counselor, trust his/her judgement, etc. Give yourself some TIME. Breathe. Kiss your daughter. I wish you the best.

[glatt]

I hope the counseling works out. Good luck.

[Clodfobble]

Have you discussed any of these issues with your husband? I have known several women who worked themselves up to the point where they felt divorce was necessary, and they thought for sure the feeling was mutual, and then it turned out the guy thought NOTHING was wrong and was completely blindsided. Even just mentioning to him that you'd like to find a marriage counselor may help open a lot of communication channels between the two of you.

[LabRat]

Yes, we have often over the last few years discussed some things such as my snapping at him and it's repercussions (sp), and his apparent lack of regard for his health (overweight) affecting my physical attraction to him. I have learned to and gotten better at holding back and he tries to get more exercise. (i even bought us new mtn bikes to try to help us get more exercise together) Things haven't seemed to improve. We have not discussed my current overall unhappiness yet, as I KNOW he will accuse me of being depressed and not taking my meds (I am, faithfully). He has done this in the past when I have tried to open up a bit, but without professional help. Which is why i want to see a counselor. Is my depression hurting my marriage, or is the marriage causing my depression? I do not plan to talk to him again till i have a few things straight in my head.

[Undertoad]

My ex snapped at me and bought us mountain bikes. Eventually her criticism just rolled off my back and I gained weight anyway. I think I gained weight because it was my only vice when my unloving marriage consisted of nothing but criticism. My new woman likes me any size and so I feel more motivated to lose the weight because she supports me differently.

I was thinking about just passing up the thread, but there it is.

[wolf]

It seems that we (humans, generally) have an expectation that the people we marry will be the same people over time. We make this same assumption about ourselves.

Adapting to the fact that this is not actually true may be what makes a marriage successful or not.

I'm no great expert, and in fact I'm making this up as I go along.

Which is sometimes a successful strategy.

The counselling can help you get stuff straight in your head. If you do go for full-blown couples counselling, I would suggest involving some therapist other than the one(s) you are already seeing. That way he can't blame you for maneuvering him into a situation where you have an advocate and he does not.

[LabRat]

UT, thank you for NOT passing up this thread! Yikes. He has been overweight his whole life. But he used to be physically active, too. When we first started hanging out, we biked ALL the time together. In fact, that's why I bought my mtn bike in the first place. I was just hoping to get back to that, doing something together. I have run for 7-8 years, but he never will be able to. He golfs, but I don't (got clubs, but need to make time for a few lessons first. We already know it wouldn't be a good idea for him to teach me ). So I thought this was an outdoor activity we could do together, as a family.

I want to figure out what is wrong with me/why I seem to lash out at him and no one else. Like I said, I hate it, and need to find out why I do it and how to stop.

Wolf: I definately am not under the assumption we will be the same forever, I never hoped that either. I did have the expectation that we would grow and change in harmony with each other, and learn to help each other grow in areas that we needed to. One of the qualities I liked about D was despite having 'only' a HS diploma, he seemed so much wiser than me and my master's degree about so many things. I was book smart, he was street smart. I thought that was a nice combination. Unfortunately, we also are both INCREDIBLY stubborn, and it's taken us some time to learn to listen to the other person. Apparently he is better at that too.

[OnyxCougar]

I think that fact that you recognize flaws in yourself and not just your husband speaks volumes to your level of maturity in your relationship. Would he be willing to go to a different individual counselor to work on his own issues? Nothing is ever one sided, I'm sure there are areas he could work on, too.

That you seek help and are doing it responsibly is a great, great thing. I wish you luck and you have an ear (4 marriages under the belt) if you need one!

[Perry Winkle]

My parents started having marital issues about 5 years ago. It was so bad for a while that my father moved out for several months. They went to both individual and couples counseling. They still have issues but now they have the tools to deal with them. Now my parents are almost sickeningly genuinely happy together. This November will be their thirtieth wedding anniversary (they got married at 19, cripes!).

All I can say is that sometimes things get better if you work hard enough and sometimes they don't. Fighting for those you love and the things you believe in is what life is all about.

[LabRat]

Thanks for the input and encouragement, I needed it. I love him, and our life that we've made together so far. Hopefully I can get over my issues and we can move on. I've looked up psychologists , but am not sure how to pick one. Just call em and see, I guess. I also need to check what my insurance will cover, sure would be nice if it would pick up some of the bill.

Grant, tell your parents happy anniversary from me!

[lookout123]

LR - from a guy's perspective - have you sat down with him when both of you are in somewhat good moods and calmly, kindly, and clearly expressing your thoughts to him?

from my own experience, i was in a downward spiral situation like you are describing. i knew things weren't good, but i didn't know how bad. when we were bickering, it was too hard to get any meaningful discussion about the causes, we only argued about the symptoms. i was so focused on trying to make her happy that when we were getting along, i didn't want to bring up any unpleasant thoughts or start any discussion that might go negative.

in the end, that is exactly what we needed. things had to get bad enough for her to call a time out. we sat down and discussed what was going on and found that we were (separately) having the same kind of thought processes, but were afraid that if we vocalized them that the other person would blow up and leave.

it took awhile, and it is always ongoing, but it worked for us. maybe a little time without the carpet lizards, just talking over dinner or a cup of coffee would tell you more about what you need to do than we ever could. maybe you'll discover that you need a marriage counselor, or a weekend apart, or a weekend together, or a good old fashioned shagfest.

any way good luck.