video store rant

[SteveDallas]

Overheard at a video store... as reprinted in Premiere magazine. They swear the guy really said this.

(Don't tell me this is a Cellar poster . . .. )

Welcome to [store name withheld], your independent video store since 1995. Ugh . . . I hate saying that. [pause] Jennifer who? . . . ? Oh, J.Lo.? Her movies are in the Gay and Lesbian section. [long, contemptuous pause] Well, they should be. In addition to being the greatest camp icon since Liz Taylor, her oeuvre has more than a strong lesbian subtext. Look. In Anaconda, she kills a giant phallic snake, with Jon Voight, who looks like a beefy Ellen Degeneres. Even in typical romantic leads, J.Lo wears the pants. Remember her tough female law enforcement officers in Out of Sight and Angel Eyes, with 'Jesus' Caviezel? And most of Enough is Big J beating the snot out of the dad from TV's Once and Again. Which brings us to her only role as an out lesbian: Gigli. I won't say much about this masterpiece, except that in 40 years, Jenny From The Block, with her legs spread, ordering Ben Affleck to 'gobble gobble,' will be seen as timeless comedic writing, right up there with 'I'm Rick James, bitch!' Trust me. Rent Gigli. When you bring it back, I'll address the Oedipal conflict in Jersey Girl. Also, I'm forced to ask if you want any Whoppers or Milk Duds. [pause] I hate this job.