I hate you

[elSicomoro]

"Ain't gonna waste my hate on you..."--Metallica

Hate...it's such a strong emotion. It's like the emotional version of the word "nigger"...very powerful, even if diluted. My 5th grade teacher, Miss Krus, used to always say, "Don't hate anything. Just extremely dislike it."

I used to blow that shit off...but now that I'm older and deeply in touch with my feelings, I agree with that statement. I know what hate feels like...I know how it feels to have it directed at you, and I know what it's like to direct hatred at someone. And for me, it's very draining. To be hated makes you feel weak and useless. And to hate someone or something just leaves you tired and apathetic.

I'm not saying it's bad to have feelings of hate...they are sometimes unavoidable and should not necessarily be cut off or muted. But what I am saying is that hate should be dealt with in a constructive manner--like anger.

For example, I could hate sperm donor--and have at times. But once I thought about it...what the fuck good does that do? If I had maintained that hate, it would have left me bitter and vengeful...and could have led to something I would regret later. Now, I'm at the point where I can't stand him--I haven't talked to him in almost 9 years, and could care less if I ever do again. If anything I feel sorry for him, as he doesn't deserve the right to life afforded in the Constitution.

But I don't hate him...though I have good reason to, I just don't. I mean, it just seems like a waste of time to me.

And that goes with anyone or anything. I can't stand racism, I don't like parents who don't control their children, and I'm not particularly fond of the Bush administration. But to hate any of that? Nah...though some things could be considered a "righteous hatred" (Thanks Henry Rollins!), I think there are more important things to do with life than direct hate like a .44 pistol at something/one, blowing an emotional hole in it/them.

For me, the easiest way to redirect that hatred was/is to write. People would read my lyrics in high school and be like, "Wow! You sound really angry!" And I'd be like, "Well, better to put it on paper than to blow your head off."

Obviously, what works well for one doesn't always work for others. But imagine if everyone who felt hatred put that into something nonviolent and creative...even if the world couldn't quite figure it out. Or maybe, that's already happening right now, and I just need to be more aware of my surroundings.

As much as humans irritate me sometimes, they are indeed fascinating sometimes.