insidemyhead

[BigV]

it's dark

punctuated by flashes
of pain
of insight

the scars are covered by the darkness of forgetting

[BigV]

I will have closure when I sew shut the wound in my soul, but the amputation will last forever.

[BigV]

you stand there, watching me, listening to me.

afraid of me, afraid for me. apart from me.

fascinated. horrified. repulsed. compelled.

you catch your breath, you retch. ohh, that's broken forever.

[BigV]

how strange!

I feel the warmth of the dripping trail, but not the cold edge making it.

[HungLikeJesus]

BigV - you're scaring the crap out of me. The only reason I haven't called 911 is because this is the Creative Expression forum*. Let me know if that's something I need to do.


*also the fact that I don't know where you live or any other useful details

[BigV]

pain

there's so much of it, it's everywhere, it's on everything!

Nothing will ever be clean again.

it soils my thoughts, it stains my friends.

and



it hurts.

[BigV]

watching my thoughts stroll by....
casually looking back at me.
I wonder what they think of me?

that's where I live?
I came from there?

[jester]

V - either I have missed something or you're not spillin'. I know your wife had a "scare", it was not cancer. Have other developments occurred, that you are not sharing? The last few posts have been a little bit perplexing. You don't have to "share" everything, just maybe a clue as to what's going on.

[BigV]

I'm falling. I'm alone.

It is the end. I'm alone.

Still, all is still. I can't move.

I'm alone.

[Pie]

BigV, what gives? Are you okay? Please?

[DanaC]

BigV, whatever situation you are in (I have a vague recollection that you may be considering a breakup?) I hope you know we're here to listen/advise/just nod, if you want to share.

I echo Pie's concern. Are you okay?

[BigV]

no one is for me here.
no one is here for me.

all demand of me.
wife
son
boss
sister
mother
court
work

there is not enough of me to go around. I am last.

by the time I am to be served, the plate is empty.

my mistake is that I am on the menu and not on the guest list.

[limey]

Originally Posted by BigV

no one is for me here.
no one is here for me.

all demand of me.
wife
son
boss
sister
mother
court
work

there is not enough of me to go around. I am last.

by the time I am to be served, the plate is empty.

my mistake is that I am on the menu and not on the guest list.

Do you demand of them; or do you think "I must be BigV and strong"?
My weakness is that I fear to reveal my weakness because I am supposed to be the strong one. Perhaps part of the answer is to give others the opportunity to be the strong one for you. It's hard: it's like that trust exercise where you let yourself fall backwards into the arms of your friends. Can you do that?

[BigV]

Originally Posted by limey

Do you demand of them; or do you think "I must be BigV and strong"?
My weakness is that I fear to reveal my weakness because I am supposed to be the strong one. Perhaps part of the answer is to give others the opportunity to be the strong one for you. It's hard: it's like that trust exercise where you let yourself fall backwards into the arms of your friends. Can you do that?

limey: I choose the second one. Your description fits me well.

dar: I apologize for the delivery style.

[limey]

Originally Posted by BigV

limey: I choose the second one. Your description fits me well.

....

I do so know how you feel, BigV.
Here is a little story for you, ...
Once upon a time I knew a woman who told me her guilty secret. Way back, before I knew her, she was a wife, mother and daughter, working full-time. Full-time teaching job; full-time wife and mother in a family and at a time which meant that all the housework was her concern; and full-time daughter to her elderly mother who wanted to live in her own home (down the road from my friend) but was no longer able to cook and clean for herself. My friend's guilty secret was that for years, on the day after term ended, she packed her sandwiches and set off as if to work, with all of her dependents believing that that was where she was going; but instead she headed off to the moors and sat all day in peace and quite, enjoying her sandwiches and a good book. She told me she was guilty about lying to her family about the dates of the end of term, and I told her that if she hadn't done that she'd never have been able to cope and look after everyone else as well as she had done.
Can you try to carve yourself a little "me time"? It's not selfish, it's the only thing that'll keep you going.



PS (am having a little difficulty doing this myself at the moment! )