I want to die - Page 8

Deuce · 08-23-2007, 09:05 AM

close the windows, draw the curtains.
Sit down.

no, don't reach for it, we'll bring it to you.
Look here.

see these things, see these pictures?
Remember these?

this was your wife, these were your children.
You loved them.

your work is done, you are unneeded and unwelcome.
Go away.

yesman065 · 08-23-2007, 09:29 AM

You are needed you are wanted - you are welcome You ARE LOVED - don't lose sight of that - draw the curtains open the window and let the world in.

limey · 08-23-2007, 04:44 PM

Your children still love and need you. Now more than ever.

08-23-2007, 05:45 PM

I would suggest going somewhere on-line, someone please help me with this, where kids deal with having parents who have killed themselves.
They ALWAYS blame themselves. "Was I not enough for him/her to stay?" "What did I do?"
There have been times where it is the only think that has kept me alive.
I have gotten past that, but I could never leave that on him.

DanaC · 08-23-2007, 05:56 PM

There's no shame in calling the helpline again Deuce.

Right now, this is it, the raw edge of it. But you won't always be at the raw edge. There will come a time, and you have to believe this, that you will feel okay. There will come a time when things are easier. And you will find yourself feeling okay, feeling strong. You just have to ride this out as best you can and has horrible as it is: it is not forever, it is not your life, it is the here and now and it will pass as everything does.

lookout123 · 08-23-2007, 05:57 PM

I don't know you and I haven't followed your saga. But I can tell you that I am about to log off because I have to leave now for a very dear friend's funeral. He took his own life 3 days ago rather than split up with his partner. He couldn't imagine life outside of the relationship and decided it wasn't worth it. I have spoken to literally hundreds of people in the last 3 days that are stunned and horrified at the loss of this good man. He was a good friend to each and every one of us. He was always there. Yet he saw no value in his life. So we don't have him anymore.
Pick up the phone and call a friend right now. Tell him/her how you are feeling. Don't stop talking until you can't think of another word to say. The ask them to hold you accountable for your emotional state on a daily basis. The people around you DO want to help. I'm sure of that.
Hire a professional to walk you through this emotional mess. Do it immediately. A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never the answer.

Deuce · 08-23-2007, 08:52 PM

Dear lookout123,

I am very saddened to hear about your tragic loss. You don't know me, or my saga, but I have read what you have written and my heart breaks.

I am that man. There is no such friend for me. Letting go has been the most on target, repeated advice given to me lately. I am letting go. How do you let go of your heart?

I'm so sorry to hear your story, I'm sorry.

Deuce · 08-23-2007, 10:03 PM

I guess some clarification is in order. I don't "want to die". But I am so sad. I have been exsanguinated. Drained. Wrung. Dessicated. Squeezed and crushed. It's all tears, all the time.

Today I am just profoundly, deeply sad. I'm so sad.

lookout123 · 08-24-2007, 12:25 AM

I've been there, done that, and I have the t-shirt. If you've read my divorce (filed under Merry F'in Chrismas) story then you know some of what I went through a year or so ago. All I can say is that there is no easy way to let go. But there will be a moment in the coming days when you will stop and say "hey, i feel pretty good". And then that will pass and you'll feel horrible again. Then another bright shining moment will come and it will last longer. After a little while you will wake up to realize that although there are still rough patches, you actually feel alive again. That is when you are turning the corner. Then you'll find yourself noticing how much happier you are now that you don't have to deal with "A" that the ex used to say or do. You will find more and more of that until one day, a day you can't even imagine right now - you will wake up and spend the whole day doing whatever it is that you do without really missing that other person. Now it is time to start enjoying life.
I suggest counseling just to help you walk through it, but counselors aren't magicians. The pain won't magically go away. It's like breaking a bone. The pain goes away so gradually that you don't even notice it until one day you realize you are pain free.

Keep getting up every day and living life. Create a new routine. Find a new hobby. Stay busy. It gets better.

DanaC · 08-24-2007, 04:23 AM

That's some very sound advice Lookout.

Undertoad · 08-24-2007, 07:11 AM

L123 is correct

I'm 3 1/2 years into my divorce and all I can think about her now is, what a fuckin' bitch. Holy crap, how did I let myself get controlled so horribly by a woman who never really loved me. She's such a competitive person, how can she be such a downright loser in the long run. What a stupid relationship it was and how I couldn't see that while I was in it. I bawled like a baby when we split up, now I laugh at what a happier life I have. And also, what a loving relationship I have now with Jacquelita, better in every way. This is not bragging, just to point out how things change over time. Your thoughts about her and what she did and what she does, will change dramatically over time. I Guarantee It.

Aliantha · 08-24-2007, 07:12 AM

You've hit the nail on the head there UT. It's always hard at the begining...but time really does change your perspective.

yesman065 · 08-24-2007, 07:23 AM

L123 said it better than I could - and UT furthered it - I agree 100%

Trilby · 08-24-2007, 07:54 AM

Deuce--YOU have HELPED ME! Reading this thread has really helped and encouraged me--you are NOT a nothing with no one--you have me! And see---? you don't even know me!

Sundae · 09-13-2007, 04:35 AM

I am now getting my benefits through regularly every two weeks, although my budgeting still leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not paying my share of the bills yet - although my half of the mortgage is paid for me - it would be very tricky if I had to. I've always defended people living on benefits against those who suggest it's living off the fat of the land. I'm glad I did now - it would be vey hard if I didn't have a solvent and understanding friend as a landlord.

I now get 1/2 price travel on buses and trams - 50p a journey, with a cap of £1.50 per 24 hours (all done electronically by swiping a card). This is marvellous and I've been learning the local bus routes. Once I get a new battery charger for my camera I promise I'll take some clips for you.

I'm still up & down mood-wise. find it hard to be in crowds, to feel confident I've done something simple like got the right bus-stop and some days it takes me til 14.00 to get the motivation to do something like load the dishwasher or go to the shops. Some days however I get up at 09.00, have a bath, pack a lunh and a book an hit the town.

Eating is still tricky - I often survive on two meals a day -one of which is a smoothie for breakfast. I can certainly stand to lose weight, so it's not a symptom that worries me. Sleeping is dreadful though Awake til 02.00 or 03.00 most nights and rarely doig anything other than dozing after 07.00. I had some occasional use sleeping tablets from my GP, but they worked so well I took them every night and some afternoons when I needed a break from being me. I daren't ask for more too quickly!

I was brave yesterday and asked about volunteering in a local charity shop. The manager nearly bit my arm off, but when I looked at the application form I realised I needed a letter from my GP to say I'm fit to volunteer (as I'm not fit to work full time) and a ref from my previous employers - these are the people that took a week just to put a payslip in a letter and post it. I'm still going to do it, but it will take longer than I thought.

My alcohol counsellor wants me to do some group work. Bleurgh. My HM agrees with her. So that's the next unpleasant step. I'm going to call today about going a local CBT group - honest. And leave the group alcohol counselling until I've started that. I just doubt I'll appreciate sitting round with a group of (other) losers talking about drink. I hated Weight Watchers for goodness sakes!

I think that's it, all updated, thanks for having me.

08-23-2007, 04:44 PM	#108
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Your children still love and need you. Now more than ever. __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

08-23-2007, 05:57 PM	#111
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	I don't know you and I haven't followed your saga. But I can tell you that I am about to log off because I have to leave now for a very dear friend's funeral. He took his own life 3 days ago rather than split up with his partner. He couldn't imagine life outside of the relationship and decided it wasn't worth it. I have spoken to literally hundreds of people in the last 3 days that are stunned and horrified at the loss of this good man. He was a good friend to each and every one of us. He was always there. Yet he saw no value in his life. So we don't have him anymore. Pick up the phone and call a friend right now. Tell him/her how you are feeling. Don't stop talking until you can't think of another word to say. The ask them to hold you accountable for your emotional state on a daily basis. The people around you DO want to help. I'm sure of that. Hire a professional to walk you through this emotional mess. Do it immediately. A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never the answer. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

08-24-2007, 12:25 AM	#114
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	I've been there, done that, and I have the t-shirt. If you've read my divorce (filed under Merry F'in Chrismas) story then you know some of what I went through a year or so ago. All I can say is that there is no easy way to let go. But there will be a moment in the coming days when you will stop and say "hey, i feel pretty good". And then that will pass and you'll feel horrible again. Then another bright shining moment will come and it will last longer. After a little while you will wake up to realize that although there are still rough patches, you actually feel alive again. That is when you are turning the corner. Then you'll find yourself noticing how much happier you are now that you don't have to deal with "A" that the ex used to say or do. You will find more and more of that until one day, a day you can't even imagine right now - you will wake up and spend the whole day doing whatever it is that you do without really missing that other person. Now it is time to start enjoying life. I suggest counseling just to help you walk through it, but counselors aren't magicians. The pain won't magically go away. It's like breaking a bone. The pain goes away so gradually that you don't even notice it until one day you realize you are pain free. Keep getting up every day and living life. Create a new routine. Find a new hobby. Stay busy. It gets better. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

08-24-2007, 07:12 AM	#117
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	You've hit the nail on the head there UT. It's always hard at the begining...but time really does change your perspective. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

08-24-2007, 07:54 AM	#119
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Deuce--YOU have HELPED ME! Reading this thread has really helped and encouraged me--you are NOT a nothing with no one--you have me! And see---? you don't even know me! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

08-23-2007, 09:05 AM	#106
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	close the windows, draw the curtains. Sit down. no, don't reach for it, we'll bring it to you. Look here. see these things, see these pictures? Remember these? this was your wife, these were your children. You loved them. your work is done, you are unneeded and unwelcome. Go away.

08-23-2007, 09:29 AM	#107
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	You are needed you are wanted - you are welcome You ARE LOVED - don't lose sight of that - draw the curtains open the window and let the world in.

08-23-2007, 05:45 PM	#109
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	I would suggest going somewhere on-line, someone please help me with this, where kids deal with having parents who have killed themselves. They ALWAYS blame themselves. "Was I not enough for him/her to stay?" "What did I do?" There have been times where it is the only think that has kept me alive. I have gotten past that, but I could never leave that on him.

08-23-2007, 05:56 PM	#110
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	There's no shame in calling the helpline again Deuce. Right now, this is it, the raw edge of it. But you won't always be at the raw edge. There will come a time, and you have to believe this, that you will feel okay. There will come a time when things are easier. And you will find yourself feeling okay, feeling strong. You just have to ride this out as best you can and has horrible as it is: it is not forever, it is not your life, it is the here and now and it will pass as everything does.

08-23-2007, 08:52 PM	#112
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	Dear lookout123, I am very saddened to hear about your tragic loss. You don't know me, or my saga, but I have read what you have written and my heart breaks. I am that man. There is no such friend for me. Letting go has been the most on target, repeated advice given to me lately. I am letting go. How do you let go of your heart? I'm so sorry to hear your story, I'm sorry.

08-23-2007, 10:03 PM	#113
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	I guess some clarification is in order. I don't "want to die". But I am so sad. I have been exsanguinated. Drained. Wrung. Dessicated. Squeezed and crushed. It's all tears, all the time. Today I am just profoundly, deeply sad. I'm so sad.

08-24-2007, 04:23 AM	#115
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	That's some very sound advice Lookout.

08-24-2007, 07:11 AM	#116
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	L123 is correct I'm 3 1/2 years into my divorce and all I can think about her now is, what a fuckin' bitch. Holy crap, how did I let myself get controlled so horribly by a woman who never really loved me. She's such a competitive person, how can she be such a downright loser in the long run. What a stupid relationship it was and how I couldn't see that while I was in it. I bawled like a baby when we split up, now I laugh at what a happier life I have. And also, what a loving relationship I have now with Jacquelita, better in every way. This is not bragging, just to point out how things change over time. Your thoughts about her and what she did and what she does, will change dramatically over time. I Guarantee It.

08-24-2007, 07:23 AM	#118
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	L123 said it better than I could - and UT furthered it - I agree 100%

09-13-2007, 04:35 AM	#120
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	I am now getting my benefits through regularly every two weeks, although my budgeting still leaves a lot to be desired. I'm not paying my share of the bills yet - although my half of the mortgage is paid for me - it would be very tricky if I had to. I've always defended people living on benefits against those who suggest it's living off the fat of the land. I'm glad I did now - it would be vey hard if I didn't have a solvent and understanding friend as a landlord. I now get 1/2 price travel on buses and trams - 50p a journey, with a cap of £1.50 per 24 hours (all done electronically by swiping a card). This is marvellous and I've been learning the local bus routes. Once I get a new battery charger for my camera I promise I'll take some clips for you. I'm still up & down mood-wise. find it hard to be in crowds, to feel confident I've done something simple like got the right bus-stop and some days it takes me til 14.00 to get the motivation to do something like load the dishwasher or go to the shops. Some days however I get up at 09.00, have a bath, pack a lunh and a book an hit the town. Eating is still tricky - I often survive on two meals a day -one of which is a smoothie for breakfast. I can certainly stand to lose weight, so it's not a symptom that worries me. Sleeping is dreadful though Awake til 02.00 or 03.00 most nights and rarely doig anything other than dozing after 07.00. I had some occasional use sleeping tablets from my GP, but they worked so well I took them every night and some afternoons when I needed a break from being me. I daren't ask for more too quickly! I was brave yesterday and asked about volunteering in a local charity shop. The manager nearly bit my arm off, but when I looked at the application form I realised I needed a letter from my GP to say I'm fit to volunteer (as I'm not fit to work full time) and a ref from my previous employers - these are the people that took a week just to put a payslip in a letter and post it. I'm still going to do it, but it will take longer than I thought. My alcohol counsellor wants me to do some group work. Bleurgh. My HM agrees with her. So that's the next unpleasant step. I'm going to call today about going a local CBT group - honest. And leave the group alcohol counselling until I've started that. I just doubt I'll appreciate sitting round with a group of (other) losers talking about drink. I hated Weight Watchers for goodness sakes! I think that's it, all updated, thanks for having me.

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