Divorce - Page 7

glatt · 08-06-2007, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deuce

I fully expect my wife is reading these posts as well.

After you choose counsel, you should tell them about this website and your posts here so they can review what you have written. They need to be prepared if anything you have written here is presented in the courtroom by her attorney to be used against you.

I also suggest that you don't erase any messages your wife leaves for you on the answering machine/voice mail. Save them. It's possible they may come in handy later. The fact that she got a restraining order against you and is leaving messages for you instructing you to violate that restraining order can't be good for her position.

DanaC · 08-05-2007, 06:12 PM

Deuce, you have my sympathy and admiration.

There will, hopefully, be a time when friendship is something you can work towards. You are only hardening yourself now, whilst the battle lines are drawn. You didn't ask to be at war, but you are and must deal with it accordingly. There is no shame in putting yourself first for this stage of things. Our society has spent the past twenty years telling mothers they should learn to put themselves first sometimes...and there are equally times when a father must do the same.

Keep posting, keep talking, this will get easier, you are strong enough to cope.

Deuce · 08-05-2007, 07:42 PM

Just back from a walk. I had been reading the papers closely, for comprehension. Oh my god. No revelations, no new information, my first scan was only confirmed. yman, your remarks, as usual, are helpful. They help me focus, help me ignore the clamorous distractions. There are many cliches that fit here, but the net effect is that it's time to get to work. Nasty hard unpleasant work. But it's just work.

It's just work. Break it down. I have spent the afternoon doing triage. The whole package was just too overwhelming. So I made a list, I checked it twice, some naughty, some nice. The naughtiest was the temporary restraining order. The result of my triage revealed that set of three documents to be the most important today, right now.

I have to read them, comprehend them, understand them. This thing is radioactive, very dangerous. Violation of this order is a criminal offense, and subjects the violator to arrest. It is effective immediately. It lasts for one year unless changed.

I have been restrained from disturbing the peace of the other party or of any child. W. T. F. That is soooo broad.

I have been ordered to pay $xxxxxxx / month maintenance.

Ohhh!!! She's calling again!!!!!! RIGHT NOW. Call, talk to me. Son calls, talk to me. This is worm, and the restraining order is the hook.

I can't do this.

Deuce · 08-05-2007, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sun Tzu

The best victory is when the opponent surrenders of its own accord before there are any actual hostilities... It is best to win without fighting.

I am lost.

DanaC · 08-05-2007, 08:24 PM

Quote:

Ohhh!!! She's calling again!!!!!! RIGHT NOW. Call, talk to me. Son calls, talk to me. This is worm, and the restraining order is the hook.

I can't do this.

Deuce, you can do this. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. What have your lawyers said regarding phone calls from your son?

Well done on the triage approach. You're doing great, you're doing what is necessary. This too will pass.

Deuce · 08-05-2007, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yesman065

Yes you ALL are suffering, but the position you are now in, a very defensive one, was premeditated and decided upon by her - SHE has chosen this path for all of you. SHE has forced you to react accordingly. SHE has given you no choice. SHE has created this path. SHE has served you with the restraining order. SHE has served you with all the papers - SHE has affected your ability to see or talk to any of your children. SHE has forced you out of your home. SHE has chosen this path - SHE has given you no option other than to defend yourself, clear your name and rebuild your life. Then and only then can you again be the best father you can be to your son.

Yup.

This is the knot at the end of the rope to which I'm clinging.

yesman065 · 08-05-2007, 09:30 PM

You are not alone - remember that! We are here and I'm sure you have your family and friends supporting you as well till all this weirdness gets sorted out. Things will be different, but theat doesn't mean they willl be worse - in some respects they will be better. Good luck tomorrow!

TheMercenary · 08-06-2007, 09:08 AM

Deuce, I don't have much more to offer than what others have said. My only experience with divorce is through watching the 60% or so of friends and family we have had go through it. Expect the worse, hope for the best. Don't be to trusting. Decisions have been made and minds made up. Get a good lawyer who will protect your assets. I have watched more than one guy, who did not want the divorce, trust the other party to play fair only to go to that fateful day in court and be taken to the bank, or near bankruptcy, for 20 or more years. I personally would hire a private detective and see what else may be going on. Just be careful. Good luck.

Deuce · 08-06-2007, 01:31 PM

Good morning to you all.

I am still interviewing/shopping for counsel. I have to pick TODAY. I have two more meetings today.

I have been through much in my life. Complicated childhood, parental strife, blended families, death, marriage, parenthood, financial struggles. A lot. I have never been this discombubulated. I have never been this conflicted, this uncertain. I deal with an unknown future all the time, professionally and personally. Figuring stuff out is "how I roll" to borrow a phrase from a recent post of another dwellar.

I have not yet figured this one out. I have parts of it figured out. I'm crystal clear that if I don't get my shit squared away, and right now mister, the other side will become reality by default. That's bad, m'kay?

My difficulties have a few important aspects. I don't know how to do what I want to do. But the pros do. I don't know how to pick the (relative) best pro. I'm going to be leaning very heavily, no, completely on my gut on this one. There aren't rules, there isn't a peer reviewed established "best practices" method of choosing counsel. I'll be winging it. That makes me somewhat uncomfortable. Normally, when the stakes aren't so high, I like exploring the unknown. Let's go for a ride and see where we wind up. Let's order something new from the menu. Let's go see something we haven't seen before. In those cases, if it goes well, yay. If it goes poorly, oh well. Max downside, an indigestible meal, or we're lost and we wasted a road trip, or we see a dumb show. No biggie.

But this time... if I choose poorly, I will have paid a lot of money and gotten an extremely unacceptable result. Recovering from that mistake will take a long time and will likely be even more expensive, though it is unlikely to be fatal. *breathe* Ok. So I guess I can pick without being paralyzed with fear of making a terminally wrong choice. The stakes are high, but I cannot avoid choosing poorly by not choosing any. That is obviously worse still. I'll know a lot more by the close of business today.

TheMercenary · 08-06-2007, 04:51 PM

IMHO the best way to find a good lawyer is to ask around of people who have had similar experiences and find the one lawyer that is most adversarial to her lawyer. Find out who this guys most fierce competition is. Choose him. Remember this is about the next 20 years of your financial life and your ability to move on from here. Each of my brothers paid alimony for nearly 20 years, 20 fuuking years! Neither will have a dime when they die. It all went to the ex. They were never able to save a thing. Prepare for it to get ugly.

Cicero · 08-07-2007, 11:53 AM

When perceived nightmare is reality- it's really hard not to try and throw in the towel, shake hands, and let it be over.....it's just not going to be in this case.
When someone asks for the State's intervention- there is no going back to normal.

08-07-2007, 01:42 PM

If you are going to do this, DO IT.
Separate your intellect from your emotion.
I rarely give this advice and hate to do it, but sometimes it is needed.
There comes a point where one need divest from what makes us make decisions based on compassion.
If you are going to do this, do it right, as it need be done. Listen to your lawyer and if you begin to win, when she calls... and she will...
Well... just listen to your lawyer.
I just want to say that I'm sorry it came to this dude, but if this is what needs to happen, really... make it happen and don't look back.
Not going to go into why the "game" of in-and-out of pain and "I wonder" harms everyone more than you can imagine, but it does.
IMO, for the sane, this is a one-way-street.

Deuce · 08-07-2007, 04:18 PM

I am a chump.

DanaC · 08-07-2007, 05:01 PM

Why so Deuce?

Deuce · 08-07-2007, 05:17 PM

Fear.

F alse
E vidence
A ppearing
R eal

Fear is a *POWERFUL* motivator, and no one is immune. Not me, not you, not my wife, not our children.

Have you ever been to the ocean? To the beach? I have many times, and it's a beautiful place. The beauty of the ocean can distract one from the power of the moving water. Power to crush and kill. Fear is like that. It has the power to overwhelm, and lately for me, it comes over me like big ocean waves.

When I'm overtaken by one and being maytagged along the bottom, it feels like impending death. Hopeless. Each time (so far) I have managed to come up for air between waves, and to catch a little break or a reality check, between sets.

I just broke the surface of the last monster to crush me, and the salty air never tasted so sweet.

Someday, I hope to reach the shore, intact. I'll settle for being able to breathe for right now though.

08-06-2007, 09:08 AM	#8
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Deuce, I don't have much more to offer than what others have said. My only experience with divorce is through watching the 60% or so of friends and family we have had go through it. Expect the worse, hope for the best. Don't be to trusting. Decisions have been made and minds made up. Get a good lawyer who will protect your assets. I have watched more than one guy, who did not want the divorce, trust the other party to play fair only to go to that fateful day in court and be taken to the bank, or near bankruptcy, for 20 or more years. I personally would hire a private detective and see what else may be going on. Just be careful. Good luck. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

08-06-2007, 04:51 PM	#10
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	IMHO the best way to find a good lawyer is to ask around of people who have had similar experiences and find the one lawyer that is most adversarial to her lawyer. Find out who this guys most fierce competition is. Choose him. Remember this is about the next 20 years of your financial life and your ability to move on from here. Each of my brothers paid alimony for nearly 20 years, 20 fuuking years! Neither will have a dime when they die. It all went to the ex. They were never able to save a thing. Prepare for it to get ugly. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

08-05-2007, 06:12 PM	#2
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Deuce, you have my sympathy and admiration. There will, hopefully, be a time when friendship is something you can work towards. You are only hardening yourself now, whilst the battle lines are drawn. You didn't ask to be at war, but you are and must deal with it accordingly. There is no shame in putting yourself first for this stage of things. Our society has spent the past twenty years telling mothers they should learn to put themselves first sometimes...and there are equally times when a father must do the same. Keep posting, keep talking, this will get easier, you are strong enough to cope.

08-05-2007, 07:42 PM	#3
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	Just back from a walk. I had been reading the papers closely, for comprehension. Oh my god. No revelations, no new information, my first scan was only confirmed. yman, your remarks, as usual, are helpful. They help me focus, help me ignore the clamorous distractions. There are many cliches that fit here, but the net effect is that it's time to get to work. Nasty hard unpleasant work. But it's just work. It's just work. Break it down. I have spent the afternoon doing triage. The whole package was just too overwhelming. So I made a list, I checked it twice, some naughty, some nice. The naughtiest was the temporary restraining order. The result of my triage revealed that set of three documents to be the most important today, right now. I have to read them, comprehend them, understand them. This thing is radioactive, very dangerous. Violation of this order is a criminal offense, and subjects the violator to arrest. It is effective immediately. It lasts for one year unless changed. I have been restrained from disturbing the peace of the other party or of any child. W. T. F. That is soooo broad. I have been ordered to pay $xxxxxxx / month maintenance. Ohhh!!! She's calling again!!!!!! RIGHT NOW. Call, talk to me. Son calls, talk to me. This is worm, and the restraining order is the hook. I can't do this.

08-05-2007, 09:30 PM	#7
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	You are not alone - remember that! We are here and I'm sure you have your family and friends supporting you as well till all this weirdness gets sorted out. Things will be different, but theat doesn't mean they willl be worse - in some respects they will be better. Good luck tomorrow!

08-06-2007, 01:31 PM	#9
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	Good morning to you all. I am still interviewing/shopping for counsel. I have to pick TODAY. I have two more meetings today. I have been through much in my life. Complicated childhood, parental strife, blended families, death, marriage, parenthood, financial struggles. A lot. I have never been this discombubulated. I have never been this conflicted, this uncertain. I deal with an unknown future all the time, professionally and personally. Figuring stuff out is "how I roll" to borrow a phrase from a recent post of another dwellar. I have not yet figured this one out. I have parts of it figured out. I'm crystal clear that if I don't get my shit squared away, and right now mister, the other side will become reality by default. That's bad, m'kay? My difficulties have a few important aspects. I don't know how to do what I want to do. But the pros do. I don't know how to pick the (relative) best pro. I'm going to be leaning very heavily, no, completely on my gut on this one. There aren't rules, there isn't a peer reviewed established "best practices" method of choosing counsel. I'll be winging it. That makes me somewhat uncomfortable. Normally, when the stakes aren't so high, I like exploring the unknown. Let's go for a ride and see where we wind up. Let's order something new from the menu. Let's go see something we haven't seen before. In those cases, if it goes well, yay. If it goes poorly, oh well. Max downside, an indigestible meal, or we're lost and we wasted a road trip, or we see a dumb show. No biggie. But this time... if I choose poorly, I will have paid a lot of money and gotten an extremely unacceptable result. Recovering from that mistake will take a long time and will likely be even more expensive, though it is unlikely to be fatal. breathe Ok. So I guess I can pick without being paralyzed with fear of making a terminally wrong choice. The stakes are high, but I cannot avoid choosing poorly by not choosing any. That is obviously worse still. I'll know a lot more by the close of business today.

08-07-2007, 11:53 AM	#11
Cicero Looking forward to open mic night. Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,148	When perceived nightmare is reality- it's really hard not to try and throw in the towel, shake hands, and let it be over.....it's just not going to be in this case. When someone asks for the State's intervention- there is no going back to normal.

08-07-2007, 01:42 PM	#12
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	If you are going to do this, DO IT. Separate your intellect from your emotion. I rarely give this advice and hate to do it, but sometimes it is needed. There comes a point where one need divest from what makes us make decisions based on compassion. If you are going to do this, do it right, as it need be done. Listen to your lawyer and if you begin to win, when she calls... and she will... Well... just listen to your lawyer. I just want to say that I'm sorry it came to this dude, but if this is what needs to happen, really... make it happen and don't look back. Not going to go into why the "game" of in-and-out of pain and "I wonder" harms everyone more than you can imagine, but it does. IMO, for the sane, this is a one-way-street.

08-07-2007, 04:18 PM	#13
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	I am a chump.

08-07-2007, 05:01 PM	#14
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Why so Deuce?

08-07-2007, 05:17 PM	#15
Deuce Pesky Pugalist [sp] Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 191	Fear. F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal Fear is a POWERFUL motivator, and no one is immune. Not me, not you, not my wife, not our children. Have you ever been to the ocean? To the beach? I have many times, and it's a beautiful place. The beauty of the ocean can distract one from the power of the moving water. Power to crush and kill. Fear is like that. It has the power to overwhelm, and lately for me, it comes over me like big ocean waves. When I'm overtaken by one and being maytagged along the bottom, it feels like impending death. Hopeless. Each time (so far) I have managed to come up for air between waves, and to catch a little break or a reality check, between sets. I just broke the surface of the last monster to crush me, and the salty air never tasted so sweet. Someday, I hope to reach the shore, intact. I'll settle for being able to breathe for right now though.

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