Divorce

[Deuce]

Originally Posted by DanaC

Sorry to talk about you in the third person there Deuce :P

Not at all. I am rapt. Please continue.

A couple of thoughts...

I am being very open here, especially about the hurt. I am opening my heart to everyone here. I fully expect my wife is reading these posts as well.

Some number of posts back, I forget where.... I do not demonize her. That is my vulnerability talking. I am not the Saddam Hussein I'm portrayed as in documents any more than she is Cruella De Vil. Please. Exaggerated hyperbolic histrionics is no substitute for reasoning together.

Some more of what the world looks like from my perspective:

I love my wife.

I love our son.

I believe, devoutly, that the greatest gift I can give my son is to love his mother. It is easy to see how those dovetail neatly together for me.

Loving her does not depend on living together though. The living arrangements are flexible. And, if she does not love me, and or does not live with me, that doesn't mean that we, together, cannot still do well by our son. And that, doing what is best for our son, is my primary consideration.

Defining what is best, and how to make that happen is not so easy. Let me back up a little bit. I think, no, I **KNOW** the best scenario is one in which father and mother are husband and wife and love each other and live together and both love the child and live with the child. That is clear to me. Unfortunately, my situation is missing a few of those elements, so finding the best scenario that is realistically possible is my quest now.

Shit. One of the biggest problems is that we're off on the wrong foot. You've all correctly observed that I have yielded the initiative, that we're in court now, and that her allegations have put me in a very unfavorable light. They have knocked me on my heels. I am in the position now of having to take care of myself *first* if I am to be in any position later to do the best for my son.

This is an unfamiliar situation for me. I have never thought of myself first. I have always thought of my wife and family first. Now it is different. It is very different. You know how the airline emergency drill instructs you to put the oxygen mask over your own face first before you try to render assistance to your child right next to you, well, I have to do it like that. We're both suffering, but if I am incapacitated, for whatever reason, I will be of no use to him. So, me first, then him.

That is the framework upon which hangs advice to me from many here and many in person that says "take care of yourself", "protect yourself", "harden yourself toward her", "counterattack her". These are on a continuum, and while they're all on the right track, I have limits as to what I am willing to do in the name of "taking care of myself" or "protecting myself".

I am unaccustomed to putting myself ahead of my wife or my children. I see the need, in the service of my greater goal. I understand and am willing to act accordingly, but like any new behavior, and in a new situation, I'm struggling with the learning curve, in addition to the burden of very difficult emotional circumstances.

But I am strong, and I am smart, and I am devoted to them. I am completely motivated to succeed, or die trying.