I want to die

[Drax]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

orly?

Oh. Then yes, I'm serious. Suicide is for cowards.

I have many problems, but I'm not about to kill myself over them.

[piercehawkeye45]

That is very close-minded. Most people are irrational when they are contemplating suicide. It usually isn't about someone being mentally weak, but not being in the right state of mind.

I know how it feels to be completely irrational and how stupid I felt afterwards and one of my toughest friends has been through the same thing.

[Drax]

Originally Posted by piercehawkeye45

Most people are irrational when they are contemplating suicide. It usually isn't about someone being mentally weak, but not being in the right state of mind.

Never thought of it that way. Good point.

But still, killing oneself means that a person is too cowardly to deal with the pain of life.

[lumberjim]

why does it have to be cowardly, though? Personally, I think it's more selfish than cowardly.

but suppose you live alone, you have no family, no friends that depend on you. you do a menial job that is easily filled. if no one would notice that you stopped coming to work. There are people like that, I'm sure.

Somehow, they go on day by day. If they decide to end it and see what's next.....how can you fault them? It's their life to relinquish if they choose to. Goes against instinct, obviously, but hey...

[DanaC]

But still, killing oneself means that a person is too cowardly to deal with the pain of life.

.....or, are suffering from some sort of depression which has altered their thought processes; or are really, really unhappy and don't see a point in continuing.

[Sundae]

The problems that are overwhelming me at the moment are practical.
The reason that they are overwhelming is mental.

I do feel like I can't go on, that I have no way out and the only thing to do is run away - one way or another. I spent last night awake until after 03.00, running through plans in my head to dump my cats on a former work colleague and simply abandon my flat and take off. If I hadn't had the cats to think about I might have left last night.

Morning brings counsel of course, and I realised if I was scared, unhappy and trapped in my own flat last night, how could I possibly improve my lot by sleeping rough on a street somewhere, with danger, hunger and physical discomfort added to my problems.

I think that might be what some people don't understand about wanting to kill yourself - it feels like the only way to end the problems. Moving won't help - they come with you, you are the problem in effect - you are broken and can't mend. That's how I feel at least.

I know if I just ran away and abandoned everything then the mess I am so ashamed of (figuratively and literally) would be found by my family and friends. I also know I wouldn't be there to face the music, so it has some appeal. I also know the stress and worry it would cause them - and the grief if I died as a result - would leave them with a terrible guilt. They would wonder why I couldn't ask them for help.

But how can I? At what point can you say to people who love you, "I know this isn't fair. I know it's my own mess. I know all the time I was getting myself into this trouble you were living sensibly and working hard and maintaining standards and I wasn't. But I want your help to get myself out of this mess because I can't cope."

I know, given the choice they would rather I let them in. I also know they would despise me if I did, and never trust me as a responsible adult again. How can you tell people you feel you are literally at breaking point without sounding like you are emotionally blackmailing them?

[Aliantha]

You just have to tell them SG. They will help you, and love you more because you trusted them with the things that you can't deal with. They wont judge you. They love you.

Ask them to help you. They want to be there for you, no matter how you feel about yourself.

I know. I have been where you are now. Not so long ago.

[Sundae]

Part of my problem is that my moods are up and down.
Right now I am panicked, distressed and ready to do something, anything to get away from what I am feeling.

But I'm scared that if I cry for help (via a call, not something more dramatic) then I will regret it my the time help arrives. Or call again to cancel, in which case I won't be taken seriously.

Of course the irony is that I am in a position where I am the worst person to make decisions about what I do and don't need, and what course I should be taking.

It's all been safely buried in a box in my head for so long, but the box is too full now and it's all threatening to spill out. I'm just not sure how to handle it - my previous ways of coping aren't working (get drunk, go to the cinema, come here) because I can't shut out the reality of the situation any more. But somehow I am incapable of taking any practical steps to improve the situation (start cleaning, start packing, MOVE).

Most of me wants to be rescued. The only remnant of who I really am is horrified by this, but isn't strong enough to get the rest of me motivated.

I know the family Ali. They will judge me.
Apart from that they have their own lives and concerns. Who am I to ask them to put me first?

[Aliantha]

You are their family, and even if they do judge you, so what? Will they still help you? I'd bet the answer is yes.

When you're stronger you can try and explain how this all happened, but for now, stop worrying about what they'll say or think.

Here's how it happened for me.

When my mum was sick, I was a single parent and money was pretty tight. I ran my credit card way up getting things for her to make her end better. I spent money I didn't have.

After she died, there were so many bills, and I couldn't stretch things any further. I argued with my brother about who should pay and all the rest of it. He was doing pretty well for himself. Nice house, good job. Wife. all that shit. Very conservative.

Finally I had to come clean. Yeah he helped me. Judged me. Pissed me off for about 3 years. But it gave me space to get back on my feet again and that's what mattered.

In the end we had it out. I told him (short version) that if he didn't want to help me without conditions he shouldn't have helped me at all. Ultimately it's worked out for the best. He learned something and I learned a lot.

Just bite the bullet and ask for help. In the long run, it'll be the best thing in the end. Seriously.

[DanaC]

Sundae, if you need someone to help you with packing up and stuff, I can come over to Leicester and help. I know that's probably only a small part of what you have to sort out, but seriously, if you need a hand just let me know.

[limey]

Oh, SG, please just call your family and ask for help. Your post has opened such a painful set of memories for me - I don't want your family to go through the same pain.

[Sundae]

Update on the situation.

Well, not much has really changed, except that after the session above I came home via the shop and asked for some more hours - one of my panics was the fact I was running out of money and had no way of earning any more. I'd set this up deliberately as a way of focussing my attention, but it hadn't worked and was just adding to my stress. So I have some hours over the next week, which will help keep the wolf from the door. Not the Wolf - I'd welcome her practical presence right now, and someone used to taking care of an aged patient wouldn't blink twice at my flat!

Anyway - am up early this morning because they have put scaffolding around my flat and it feels freakily like public property. [the plot of land next to mine is being redeveloped and the next door houses and factory are being demolished - been going on for 2 months now]

I was reading and dozing late yesterday morning and heard the approach of the builders. Damn - there's been no activity on the site for 4 days. I scrambled up and into clothes and realised there were two men right in my yard! I only have a voile at the window to protect my modesty, and nothing at all in the kitchen - which I have to pass through to get to the toilet/ bathroom.

So I up and left. Bought chewing gum rather than clean my teeth, used a public lavatory, then went and sat in the library. For 6 hours. In a state of extreme distress. I don't know what I thought was going to happen realistically - at the very least I thought they were taking the wall of my yard down. I just knew I felt violated and couldn't stay there.

When I got home it was a real shock to see the scaffolding. I almost started on the kitchen right there and then - but my nerves had been screaming all day and I admit I just fell asleep. When I woke up it was dark and the panic had subsided, so I watched TV and thought the best bet was to come in here early (I'm working today) and avoid the builders altogether.

So nothing practical has happened, but I am hopeful that tomorrow I can get my act together and start at least on the kitchen. Then I can stop worrying so much about people looking through the window.

Unless the builders work Sunday. Which I'm trying not to think about! If they do, expect to see me online. I might have to tack up a duvet cover over the window, maybe that will give me enough of a feeling of "hiding" to actually get started.

[Sundae]

An update - as this seems to have become my I Want to Die thread...
A big thank you btw, to all the people who have sent me messages of support - I have been able to ask for help in the real world thanks to the comments I've received here.

So, I don't want to die today. Yesterday I made a start on clearing the rubbish from my flat. I wasn't working Tuesday or Wednesday, but it took me til Thursday to get anything done. Ah never mind, at least I made a start.

Dana has incredibly kindly offered to help me this weekend - I have bitten her arm off. So if she seems to be avoiding my posts next week you'll know why.

I put two chairs out next to some rubbish yesterday afternoon. Within 40 minutes, in broad daylight, behind the wall that separates my flat from the pavement - they went! I was going to put my dining chairs out this morning in the hope of the same result but sadly it's raining and I think that wet chairs won't appeal to the scavengers as much.

I'm still shaking my head over it now. I was perfectly happy about it - I was disposing of them anyway, it's just the sheer effrontery. Funnily enough, I used to remark on the fact I had never seen people walking down the street with a chair until I moved to Leicester. I always assumed they were walking to a family event and bringing their own seating. Now I wonder if all of them were rubbish pickers instead.

[DanaC]

I put two chairs out next to some rubbish yesterday afternoon. Within 40 minutes, in broad daylight, behind the wall that separates my flat from the pavement - they went! I was going to put my dining chairs out this morning in the hope of the same result but sadly it's raining and I think that wet chairs won't appeal to the scavengers as much.

I'm still shaking my head over it now. I was perfectly happy about it - I was disposing of them anyway, it's just the sheer effrontery. Funnily enough, I used to remark on the fact I had never seen people walking down the street with a chair until I moved to Leicester. I always assumed they were walking to a family event and bringing their own seating. Now I wonder if all of them were rubbish pickers instead.

I heard there were areas in France where people routinely leave their throwaway furniture outside their houses for people to take if they want it. The English word for it is apparently 'gleaning'. My brother finds all sorts of stuff like that, takes it home and strips it down, recovers it and so on. Only if it's obvious its being thrown....like if it's in a skip.

[glatt]

SG, glad you are feeling a bit better.

I alway slow down and carefully look over piles of promising trash when I'm walking past one. I've gotten some pretty good stuff over the years.