Feeling stuck... (thoughts on divorce & poly)

[Iggy]

Thanks all.

Child support is a valid thought, but I have doubts that whatever would be ordered would actually be paid. He can't afford to live on his income alone either, and as they say "you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip". I don't think I would get much in that way, especially since I make the majority of the money between the two of us. He is also lacking a support system and I don't think he would have anywhere to go if I kicked him out.

He is actually currently paying on back child support from his first wife. One of the pieces I didn't get into earlier was that his wife had a child right around the time they separated. She got pregnant to try to keep the marriage going, and instead it caused more strife and contributed to their eventual divorce. The child has since been adopted by his ex-wife's now-husband, so he isn't accruing any further child support. However, he does have back child support he pays and the judge ordered him to pay about half what he should have paid due to his income lacking. He is going to pay on that for several more years at least. I don't think he can pay any more than what he is now, so regardless of what a judge might order as far as child support I'd likely not see any of it. I don't want him to go to jail for lack of payment either, so I'm not even sure how that would play out...

[xoxoxoBruce]

Yes, first of all.
I've witnessed your basic outline and complaints playing over and over, only different details. Not enough money, too much debt, making you feel trapped is the most common reason for staying in hell. Maybe that's why so many lottery winners break up.
Kids are the second, and never an easy answer to that one. Is it better to grow up with one loving parent, than grow up in a toxic atmosphere. Not an easy answer to that because of the variables. Some kids can adjust, some can't, but should never be used as a weapon, a threat.

I can't help you with getting up the courage to do it as in my cases both left, so I must be the dick. One with the support of the local Jehovah's Witnesses, and one with a paramore who lived in the boondocks and likely murdered his previous wife.
Neither made me unhappy, but cleaning up the mess and their debts was a struggle.

When you threatened divorce and didn't go through with it did he try to talk you out of it? Act contrite? Play nice for awhile? Sounds like the situation getting better isn't likely, but even if he straightens up, can you bury past transgressions? And if he doesn't can you put up with it?

I'm not being much help other than giving you things to ponder which you've probably pondered ad infinitum. But best wishes for a workable solution.

[Iggy]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Yes, first of all.
I've witnessed your basic outline and complaints playing over and over, only different details. Not enough money, too much debt, making you feel trapped is the most common reason for staying in hell. Maybe that's why so many lottery winners break up.
Kids are the second, and never an easy answer to that one. Is it better to grow up with one loving parent, than grow up in a toxic atmosphere. Not an easy answer to that because of the variables. Some kids can adjust, some can't, but should never be used as a weapon, a threat.

I can't help you with getting up the courage to do it as in my cases both left, so I must be the dick. One with the support of the local Jehovah's Witnesses, and one with a paramore who lived in the boondocks and likely murdered his previous wife.
Neither made me unhappy, but cleaning up the mess and their debts was a struggle.

When you threatened divorce and didn't go through with it did he try to talk you out of it? Act contrite? Play nice for awhile? Sounds like the situation getting better isn't likely, but even if he straightens up, can you bury past transgressions? And if he doesn't can you put up with it?

I'm not being much help other than giving you things to ponder which you've probably pondered ad infinitum. But best wishes for a workable solution.

He didn't really say much... Though he listened to my issues more carefully. We were arguing over the phone at work when I said it so I didn't speak to him about it until several hours later. When he got home he was distant towards me, but we didn't say much as our daughter needed tending to. Once she was settled, he basically asked me calmly if I meant what I had said and asked where should we go from here. He didn't seem phased by it. Didn't seem sad or upset... just resigned. I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted... Andbafter discussing it we came to a compromise on the issue. He hadn't been willing to compromise earlier, which was the last straw for me and prompted my statement that I wanted a divorce. I explained to him that I didn't want to be in a marriage where my opinions weren't important and weren't taken into consideration. It was anticlimactic after the argument we had earlier.

It was interesting because he commented that I shouldn't "threaten" divorce (usually he was the one threatening). I agreed, but the big difference for me was that it wasn't a threat when I said it. He would say things like "delete your Facebook or we are getting a divorce, your choice". I just told him I wanted a divorce... No ultimatum, just a statement. Since I backed out on that statement I could see how he felt it was a threat. However, I honestly didn't expect divorce when I said it.