What is the ethical thing to do?

[Undertoad]

There's a sorta zen answer to all of this:

It's wonderful that he has given you the opportunity to be the bigger person.

Surely he will give you more opportunities in the future. It makes you wonder if he feels badly about himself, in some way. Is there a father-son resentment that he's carrying out in his relationship with you? How's his life with dad been?

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

... Is there a father-son resentment that he's carrying out in his relationship with you? How's his life with dad been?

I imagine it's been kind of chilly:

Originally Posted by chrisinhouston

... His mother was widdowed ...

[chrisinhouston]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

There's a sorta zen answer to all of this:

It's wonderful that he has given you the opportunity to be the bigger person.

Surely he will give you more opportunities in the future. It makes you wonder if he feels badly about himself, in some way. Is there a father-son resentment that he's carrying out in his relationship with you? How's his life with dad been?

Good comments as usual UT. Yes, I've calmed down and am sort of taking a Budhist like response at this point that I'll be a better person for just taking care of this then lowering myself to get in a quarrel.

As for son and birth dad; he was a rather rebellious child who bucked his father's authority as a teenager. He walked away from a fully paid scholarship to college to join the Air Force which upset both parents. Dad died not long after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and although he had visited him just before, he was not there when dad died as he was still in the Air Force and on duty. 20 years later he is much like his dad and more so than his older brother.

[chrisinhouston]

Just an update and thanks for the feedback so far.

I spoke with the service rep at the stealership last Wednesday (March 11) and authorized the repair. My financial broker's office person called me the next day and said a check for $2000 had been cut and should be in the mail to me. Because the account is an inherited beneficiary IRA from my late father they can't do direct deposit. Not sure why but that is the rule. I told my step son it would be Saturday at best before the car would be ready as the service rep said it was about 12 hours labor, thus the high cost.

Saturday came and went and Monday afternoon the rep called and said the car was ready, the total was $1768. My mail usually comes late in the day so I told him it would be a day or 2 before I could get the car picked up. My wife, who had just gotten paid on the 15th said she could cover the repair but I said I wanted to at least deposit the funds so we didn't get into a bind if there was a delay.

On Tuesday I texted my step son about the car and that I was still waiting for the check, He texted back something like "OK, we can work out the details on paying for it later" which made me wonder if he had had a change of heart and we might split the costs. Then my daughter in law called and was very cheery and asked if I was going to be able to pick up her daughter (age 8) who gets out on Wednesday's an hour before her older brother (age 10) who is responsible for their safe walk home and being alone until older siblings get home from middle school. This is what I do most Wednesdays. I like it as I get to help her with homework and play a bit. She also asked if I could pick up youngest grand daughter (age 6) who goes to day care after her day at kindergarten and is usually picked up by parents on the way home. Daughter in law said she and husband were going to the Houston Rodeo for the concert. The oldest (grandson who is 14) would be in charge and supervise dinner (something sounding horrible to me called Pizza Bites or a bowl of Raman); not my idea of a good dinner.

I said no problem as I will not let any of this interfere with my time with the kids. I explained to her about the car and that as of that time my mail had not come so still did not have the check and to let husband know. We hung up and she called me back and said she spoke with him and they would just stop and pick the car up and "we could work out the details later." "Fine", I said. No check in Tuesday's mail which seemed odd so I phoned my rep and told him and he agreed it was odd but to wait one more day.

Wednesday I took my mother in law to her Kidney Dr. as she has been having s lot of fluid retention in her feet. I was able to use my wife's car this time (as mentioned she can not get into my lifted Land Rover). Got home in time to inhale a late lunch and then head to the kids home where I played with the puppy who had been penned up and went and picked up kids and waited for older siblings to get home and then left to get my wife from work. We had to go by her mother's to go over the instructions for the 24 hour urine collection test the Dr. wanted her to do. Did you know you have to refrigerate that big jug of collected urine? I joked with her to not get confused and think it was her orange juice. Mom likes me because I joke with her like that.

Got home at 6pm and no check in the mail but a notice from the Edward Jones main office advising a check was cut on the 12th. So where the hell is my check and what do I do if I never get it?

Now it's Thursday early morning and I left a message at broker's office. Guess they will do a stop payment and issue another check.

So, car is picked up an not much else is certain yet. Stay tuned!

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by chrisinhouston

The oldest (grandson who is 14) would be in charge and supervise dinner (something sounding horrible to me called Pizza Bites or a bowl of Raman); not my idea of a good dinner.

If you blow their chance to have Pizza Bites and Raman, without hand washing and manners, they'll never forgive you.

If appears your relationship with your step-son hasn't improved in all these years, and logic says it won't. You're not stupid, you must be aware of that, so none of this should come as a surprise. Like owning a horse that kicks occasionally, watch where you're walking.

[chrisinhouston]

The office manager for my financial adviser had the main office cancel the check and told me to just tear it up if it ever comes. Then she did some research and said that the home office said they could transfer $2000 from my beneficiary IRA to my Roth IRA and then do a direct deposit to my bank from there. Said it would be in my account by tomorrow.

Mail came a bit early and the check arrived...

I've actually pretty much gotten over the hurt and insulted feeling. I'm still kind of mad but what the heck, I'd rather take the high road and not lower myself to fight over this. During one of my conversations with my wife it came to me that my step son said he did appreciate the things I have done for him and the family since they moved in. But it dawned on me that he may appreciate it but he doesn't value it because I don't make a living doing those things. I mean if I were an electrician or did construction and said I could install his oven and save him hiring someone I think he might have seen the value in that more than me just being a guy who is knowledgeable and volunteers to help.