Liver and Cherry

[Sundae]

Okay. Off to Leeds tomorrow for the assessment.
Doubt I'll sleep tonight, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy of course.
As usual what I really fear is fear itself. I am so scared of bad news, delays, censure, rejection and the fall-out when I come "home". Which is really not home now, just a place I doss down in.

Reading Kenneth Williams' diaries, which probably doesn't help.
He was so unhappy so often, and could see no way out of his own situation, isolation, self-loathing. But so much of it chimes with my mood.

If I ever get accepted to the Unit I will keep a diary.
I even bought a lovely book to keep it in, but it's useless while I'm like this. Carruthers has so very kindly offered to try to help get the laptop back up and running at home, but in some ways I am emotionally reluctant to do so, because I'm so worried what I will publicly expose. And obv I don't mean body parts because I've done that sober with no regrets.

If I regret anything it's posting unfairly about Mum when I've been in a temper, or feeling hurt. Both bring out such vitriol and unpleasantness and it is still there years later. If I sound off on the phone to someone I can say afterwards, "Sorry, you didn't need to hear that, I don't feel the same today".

Sometimes when I'm looking for links I see my old posts and think, what a stupid, petty, ungrateful, over-sensitive bitch.
But then I guess on the flip side I also sometimes think, my gosh, how kind and insightful. Or how funny, or what a gorgeous turn of phrase.
So you can add conceited to the list of my failings above.

Right. Back to the flat. Diz has been fed, I'm just out to quietly kill time before the the long dark.
And Winter is coming, fools

[glatt]

Originally Posted by Sundae

Sometimes when I'm looking for links I see my old posts and think, what a stupid, petty, ungrateful, over-sensitive bitch.
But then I guess on the flip side I also sometimes think, my gosh, how kind and insightful. Or how funny, or what a gorgeous turn of phrase.
So you can add conceited to the list of my failings above.

One thing I've been trying to do more of lately is forgive myself. I'm my own harshest critic. I think we all are. You are a good egg, Sundae. Forgive yourself.

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by Sundae

... If I ever get accepted to the Unit I will keep a diary. I even bought a lovely book to keep it in, but it's useless while I'm like this.

I take it then that it's not TARDIS blue.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Sundae

If I regret anything it's posting unfairly about Mum when I've been in a temper, or feeling hurt. Both bring out such vitriol and unpleasantness and it is still there years later.

Shit, we know you were just blowing off steam. Someone reading it years later? If they don't get it, can't see that steam in context, fuck 'em.

The important thing is, despite them jerking you around at the moment you're moving in the right direction. You'll be much more gooder after you get through this.