Deuteronomy (warning: long)

[Dagnabit]

26.

"After you settle in the promised land, give God some of your first crop. Every three years give a tenth of your crop to the outsiders and poor. Say a little prayer. Again, you're God's specifically chosen people."

27.

"When you get to the promised land, write all this stuff down on stones so it's all documented. We'll have different tribes repeat the blessings and curses and everyone can say 'Amen'."

28.

"Obey the Lord and follow his commands and you'll be blessed beyond belief. Do not obey and you'll be cursed beyond belief. Everything you touch will go to shit until you are destroyed. You'll get disease, your ground will be iron, your rain will be dust, you'll get painful boils and itchy sores and tumors. You'll go mad, blind, and insane at the same time. Your fiancee will be raped, your olives will fall off the trees before you can make oil from them. Your sons and daughters will be captives of other countries. Worst off, you'll go back to Egypt to try to be slaves again, but nobody will buy you."

29.

"God is speaking through me. Look at all the stuff God's done for the Israelites. You're in the desert 40 years but your shoes and clothes are like new! So make an oath to only worship Me, and I promise great afflictions (see the above chapter) for those who don't go this way."

30.

"Those are the rules. They're not so tough. Once again, it's follow God to abundance, or turn away for destruction."

31.

"I'm 120, too old to lead you and the Lord told me I can't go. It's OK though, you have God to lead you."

(Finally Moses is no longer the speaker.)

Then Moses said to Joshua, "You take over."

God spoke right to Moses and called for a conference call with Joshua. The three of them got together in a tent, with God appearing as a cloud. God says, "You know these people aren't going to play it straight after you're gone. We've gotta come up with a way to get them to remember all this stuff. How about we put it into a song?" And so they did.

32.

Moses recited the song to all the people. Then God called to him and told him to climb Mt. Nebo to die. "Just look at the land I'm giving to these people. Well you're not going. And y'know why? Because you and your brother broke faith with me once and didn't uphold me as holy to the Israelites."

33.

So Moses, about to die, gave a bunch of Israelites his final happy messages, and reflected on how unimaginably fashionable the Israelites must be, to be the chosen people.

34.

Then he climbed that mountain and died, and there ain't been none like him since.