Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

FLORIDA PERSONALS

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
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LONG-TERM COMMITMENT :
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
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SERENITY NOW :
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
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WINNING SMILE :
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
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BEATLES OR STONES ?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
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MEMORIES :
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let's put our two heads together.
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MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model , high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Not in running condition, but walks well.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I was talking to my preacher and noticed he had cut himself shaving, so I asked him about it.
He said he was concentrating on his sermon while shaving, and had nicked his chin.
I thought about that during the sermon, then stood in line to greet him after the service.
I told him that I thought about what he had said.
“And…?” he replied.
I told him next time, he should concentrate on what he was doing, and cut his sermon instead.
******************
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That's nice of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she'll appreciate them.'
Tony smiled, 'So do I, it’ll make her vacuuming much easier now.'

[xoxoxoBruce]

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient.
"Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist.
"As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient.
"And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

My late FIL claimed he had a similar exchange during his army physical. He said he heard music in his head. (He was a composer, but he left that part out) They sent him to a shrink who said, They tell me you say you hear music in your head, do you hear anything else?
Yes, I hear voices.
What voices do you hear?
I hear your voice...

The shrink didn't faint, but did roll his eyes, then sent my FIL back.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Math class...

[toranokaze]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Math class...

That is a lie only the pizza can feed a family of four.