Domestic abuse in the spotlight

[Stormieweather]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Yabut, while emotional abuse is a real and terrible thing, I've talked to people who I'm sure believed they were abused, but convinced me it was all (or mostly) in their head.

Conversation.
She- I was afraid to do X because he would kill me.

Me- Did he ever threaten to kill you... or any physical violence?

She- Yes, he broke a plate once.

Me- That's bad, did it hit you or did he miss and it just broke near you?

She- I was in the other room... but he was mad at me when he broke it.

That's just one example of real conversations I've had. When anyone says someone would kill them if... the red flags go up. I usually try to pursue it to find out what's going on, and if there is really something sinister.
The other thing is when someone goes to their friends with their fears, real or imagined, friends want to be supportive so they heap on disdain without questioning the veracity of the claims. That just reinforces the "victims" perceived reality.

OK, it's real and it's bad. But when I hear of a campaign for public awareness for such&such, I think here come the torches and pitchforks. Well meaning people will be on the lookout for a chance to contribute to the fight against such&such. Ah, the danger of good intentions. Hello, don't forget to think.

Yeah. DV is not just physical. It doesn't matter if he never did more than break a plate.

My X never hit me or laid a hand on me until the night I ran for my life. So I spent 8 long years being verbally and emotionally tortured and physically threatened, because maybe it was all me, you know? Maybe I was exaggerating the situation? Maybe I was being "difficult" cuz I "made" him so mad? Maybe I just needed to figure out a better/different/nicer way to talk and do things? Maybe, if I just completely destroyed myself and because a stepford wife, he would be happy and not abuse me and the kids?

Not bloody likely.

He clawed his own face once and told me he'd tell the police I did it (so I'd go to jail and lose my kids).

He picked up a frying pan of hot grease and threated to disfigure my face with it.

He cocked his fist at me more than once, threatening to beat my head in.

He spit in my face several times.

He tried to get me fired and scared off every friend I had.

He threated to kill my son. I was at work at the time, a neighbor heard the threat and called police, who did nothing.

He constantly told me how ugly and bad and useless and greedy and unwanted I was. Said he'd rather pay a $2 whore than have sex with me.

But he never laid a hand on me.

Until the night he tried to strangle me and I ran.

Abuse "in someone's head* is the most difficult kind to recognize and fight. Abuse victims often doubt and blame themselves and minimize the abuse. What you are told initially is usually only the tip of the iceberg. When the people they tell minimize and dismiss the issue, they are compounding the problem.

If you are unsure whether someone is truly being abused, then simply direct them to expert help - DV sites, help lines, books, safe houses, etc. But please don't shrug them off as making things up.