i have nothing to lose

[Lady Sidhe]

stacyv:

Perhaps you should try counseling. I feel a lot of what you feel, a lot of the time. Counseling helps, because you're talking to a person who is neutral, and can see things from outside. Sometimes we're so close we can't see the forest for the trees. We feel like we're in a rut we can't get out of, and feel as if there are no possibilities open to us, and we get even more depressed. It feeds on itself, and things get worse because we can't see a way to climb out of it on our own.

You also mentioned feeling depressed. I have a problem with depression myself, and I've found that Zoloft helps to level me out well. If you have clinical depression, getting something to help with that first may help you feel better and consequently to see a way through things more clearly, without the cloud of depression coloring your views.

When you're depressed, everything sucks. You're so busy feeling miserable, that you can't see the good in anything because it seems like EVERYTHING'S going wrong, and usually all at once. If you see a counselor and find that you ARE clinically depressed, you may be able to get medication for it. Once you level out, and are more able to feel okay about things, and not automatically see the bad side, it may be easier to address everything else. Without the influence of the depression, things often seem more hopeful.

Good luck to you.

Sidhe

[SteveDallas]

Originally posted by Undertoad
every customer will not be a potential asshole, but a potential moment of happiness.

Ummm dude, you worked in corporate IT *how* many years??

[Brigliadore]

Originally posted by staceyv
the church thing was a nice idea, but i'm not sure if i even believe in god, or the bible was written by some form of early goverment to make people behave

Stacy, see if there is a Unitarian Church in your area. Its the only church I have ever enjoyed going to. They are a liberal church that has a belief of "you believe in what you want". While I currently don't attend any type of church my mom still goes to a local Unitarian Church. Here in Salt Lake City there are a lot of strict Mormons and my moms Unitarian church is lead by a pastor who is now a man but used to be a woman (went through gender reassignment). Hows that for an accepting religion?
When my mom and I moved back to Utah from CA she (and me) had no friends. She started going to the Unitarian Church (we had previously gone to that church about 10 earlier when we lived in Utah before) as a way to make friends. She now has a little group of woman she goes sees movies with and attends parties and GTG with. It might be worth checking out just once to see how you like it.

[OnyxCougar]

Desensitization shots. One shot, every week for three years. And damn expensive. Now I can eat what I want. And I'm diet, cuz I ate what I wanted and got fat.

My goal is 160 when Steve and I take our renewal vows in 2007. I want to be in a size 12 or 14 dress. (I'm in a tight 12 at 155, so 14 is ok.).... that's a long way from here. I figure if I lose 3 pounds a month, I'll be about 160 by then.

[lumberjim]

what's that some kind of math homework? someone will figure out your weight if you make it a challenge like that.

oh...stacy, i know i said id leave this alone, so i'll go minimalistic.



chin up! chest out! breathe!

[OnyxCougar]

Nono, not a challenge. Really. The math is scary, don't bother. I'm waaaaaaay overweight. Let's just leave it there, shall we?

[mrnoodle]

I second the (christian) church notion, of course. But all of the ideas have been good. I quit the nicotine thing cold turkey last monday. To say I miss it is an understatement. But the battle to keep quit has been almost refreshing, in a way. I too had been suffering from depression, but I'm almost positive mine was chemically based. I've never been the healthiest person in the world, but in the last few weeks/months I've eliminated lots and lots of bad stuff from my bloodstream.

Now I can't sleep, because I stress over not having nicotine. But aside from that, I feel pretty good. I smell better, my sense of smell is better, I can taste things. You know, all the stuff people say happens when you give up tobacco.

[ladysycamore]

Originally posted by staceyv
1) job i hate and i feel stuck in

Like I said to you before, at least you *can* work. Try finding a job with a disability...it ain't easy.

2) marital problems

Well, I can't relate to that, but you did say that you and he will be going to counseling, so that's a start.

3) no friends or social support

You can change this. Have you *tried* to get out and meet people? Maybe join a club or a group in your town. All of my friends are "back home" in Baltimore, and there's only one that I keep in contact with on a regular, and that's just ok, because all she does is complain about how bad HER life is! (yikes)

4) no goals for the future, no idea of what to do with myself

It's good to have goals. Try to make a list of things that you now want to accomplish, like getting to therapy, to heal yourself, to change bad habits and embrace better ones, and so on. Don't think of school just yet, just try to get through each day, and don't pressure yourself to do to much too soon. School will always be there.

I technically don't have any goals either, except, I guess, to try to maintain what little good health I have left. Years ago, I wanted to be a great photographer. However, I don't think that will happen anytime soon, because I can't stand for long periods of time anymore, and now that my kidneys are done, I have too many low blood pressure days that leave me weak. The hardest thing is to give up that dream, because it was photography that got me out of a 2 years depression back in the early 90's.

5) severe menstrual cramps that interfere with my life

You should really see a doctor about that. It could be something serious.

6) major cigarette addiction

What have you tried in the past to quit?

7) financial problems like credit card debt, and living week to week with no savings and no end in sight

You may want to look into credit consolidation (like CCCS). I've been with them for about 4 years, and believe me, it made a difference in paying down my debt.

8) unhappy with appearance and nothing i can do except wait over a year until my hair grows

I used to have flawless, thick hair, smooth skin, clear skin on face (no breakouts, acne, etc.), well taken care of nails...in other words, I used to be fierce (at least, so I thought so..lol). End Stage Renal Disease and Type 2 Diabetes ruined all of that (oh, and my dialysis put 40 extra pounds on me). Skin, scalp, and nails...painfully dry. Seems like no matter what I do, everything just...dries out. It's pitiful. Face: suddenly, I got a mild case of acne, and I've tried various things to get rid of it. Eventually, I'll have to see a dermatologist. Oh, and did I mention about the catheter sticking out of my belly? Talk about "image" problems. It's not so bad now, but when I first got it, it was not a good time for me. And then there's the pot belly that one acquires by carrying around 4 pounds (that's right!) of dialysis fluid in one's belly all day long. Clothes tend to not fit as well as they once did, and that's no fun either.

So, your hair will be fine. Sorry, but if hair growing back is the only problem you have with appearance, then consider yourself lucky.

9)can't excercise, even though i want to, because it interferes with work

You know what I did when I could't exercise? I did low impact movement at home. You know why I couldn't exercise? I had plenty of time, for sure. I just had this little problem with my parathyroid hormone. When the levels are too high, it can cause extreme pain in the muscles and joints. Ask Sycamore: I spent all of last summer in major pain. But as soon as I got mobile, things started to change. My point: if you are able to move, then you can exercise. If you want, I can post a link to a site that has been helpful to me and to many others in my situation, when we couldn't leave the home to exercise. And even though things have gotten much better in the last several months, I still have problems walking for long periods of time, so it's a bummer to be out and have to constantly sit down to rest.

10) can't eat like normal people. sick of explaining it to people, can't go out to eat.

Can't...or won't? When the doctors told me that I HAD (repeat: HAD) to change my diet, I was like, "Oh boy, now Syc and I can't go out to eat ever again". After some time had passed and I got used to the new diet, I found that that's not true at all. What I try to do is to focus not on what I can't eat, but on what I CAN eat (which isn't much). Try being on a low sodium, low fat, low carb, low sugar, low phosphorus diet. Truthfully, it sucks. And I have to watch my fluids as well. Too much can build up in the body, and cause edema in my legs.

i feel so hopeless and miserable. at least maybe i can make someone else feel better about their own life.

Nope, sorry, but parts of my life still sucks (except for Sycamore, of course!), but I hope that what *I* posted makes you feel better about yours. At least you are not facing parathyroid surgery and a future kidney (and possible) pancreas transplant.

Stacey, I truly understand that you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right about now. But, the things that you are stressing over are workable...my situation is permanent. Even if I were to get a transplant, I'd still have to worry about the side effects of the anti-rejection drugs, one of which is cancer (not to mention worrying about rejection, and having to go back on dialysis).

Basically, you need to get proactive in making changes in your life. Take control of your life: see doctors about your health (trust me, finding out things now can and will save you more stress later in life), join groups OUTSIDE of the internet, go to counseling, find a hobby.

Good luck.

[Shattered Soul]

LadySycamore's right--severe menstrual cramps could be a sign of something worse, like endometriosis. You should get that checked out to make sure it isn't something serious.

And as far as smoking, I smoke, and I intend to keep on smoking. It's one of the few pleasures in my life, and damn it all to hell, EVERYTHING will kill you eventually. Everything you enjoy turns out to be bad for you; I'm not a fast-food person, so I figure I'll keep my cigarettes. It can't be any worse for me than a big mac

[wolf]

staceyv, you do have the ability to un-suck your life, unless you are entirely too comfortable complaining about the level of suck that you revel in it. Be aware of such tendencies, and do something about it.

This is where a therapist comes in handy.

Also, everybody is definitely right ... go see a medical doctor about the cramps. You shouldn't be sidelined every month as a consequence of your period (so says the bitch who never had a cramp in her life).

[staceyv]

thank you, guys. your advice has been taken to heart. after ladysycamore's post, i feel i should probably stop whining...anyways, thanks.

[Skunks]

Having seen lots of lengthy posts probably filled with serious suggestions, and having read none of them, I feel compelled to contribute a meaningless attempt at humor:

Stacy,

You have nothing to lose but loss itself.


If that sounded deep, it was entirely on accident.

[Beestie]

Originally posted by ladysycamore

Nope, sorry...
[a string of excellent points]
...Good luck.

I hereby appoint Lady Sycamore the First Lady of Deconstruction. You want answers? You want the TRUTH? Step right up.

[staceyv]

and undertoad, your advice was so perfect about my hair AND my "potential asshole" customers...i went to work last night and my first table had a little boy who was about 10 yrs old and he looked at me and said "you have pretty black hair". i couldn't believe it!!! (then again, i also waited on a table of loser, 23 yr old stoned guys that left me $5 on an $82 bill, but i guess you can't have it all)

[Undertoad]

Even ten-year-olds know... Stacey's mom has got it going on... and so does Stacey.

Cool hair makes a person 10% prettier/more handsome. A cool smile makes a person 100% prettier/more handsome.

I was gonna go all syrupy sweet and suggest that, every day, you write back to us what was the most joyful thing you experienced all day. Some days a big thing, like good news. Some days a little thing, like the warmth of sun that shone in on you.

Even when you don't notice them, those things are there, and it is a very good thing indeed to actually notice them.

People who are depressed and who come out of depression, whether by themself or through drugs or therapy, often say that the colors of the world are brighter to them. I'll go all syrupy sweet and point out what we all know - that those are the same colors, just a different mind taking them in. Maybe it would help to take in those colors just for the sake of it. Notice the beauty, notice the joy.

And allowing myself these kinds of tender thoughts, and writing them here, are part of me noticing the joy as well.