Deeply Conflicted

Clodfobble · 07-01-2012, 12:53 AM

I always wanted a big family. Minimum three kids, preferably four (not including stepkids.) Obviously things changed there for awhile. We're at the point now where it's a possibility again. But I don't know.

Mr. Clod says he could go either way. He'll always fall on the side of wanting more kids, but he readily admits that's easy for him to say because he's not the one here the majority of the day, and he could be done if I want to be. Me, I think I do still want more, but I can't silence the voice that says it is wholly irresponsible.

On the one hand, I do completely believe we could avoid neurological problems, knowing what we do now. But many of my friends who made different medical choices with their later children say they still have moderate GI problems to deal with, even in the absence of life-altering disorders. Then again, everyone has some level of genetic defect, and deaf people have babies all the time... on the plus side, I do have a good track record of contributing really smart kids to the gene pool.

And what is my responsibility to my current children? A sibling might be a very good thing for both of them. It also might simply take attention away from them that they still really need. Typical debate with any family, I know, but for us the stakes are higher. Have to consider the age gap as well, since Minifobette will be at least 5 1/2 years older.

And there's the money. We're still hemorrhaging medical bills, but things are improving with recovery and they will get significantly better after Minifobette starts Kindergarten. But I was kind of looking forward to not being broke all the time.

I don't know if I want to start the clock all over. And then sometimes I think that what we really should do is give it another year or two, and then have another pair. We'd have the two Asian ones, the two Autistic ones, and the two...something else that starts with A. Not the stuff life decisions should be made of, I know. But the thought does amuse me.

I know nobody's going to have an answer for me (unless you want to say, "goddamn right it's irresponsible, what are you thinking?" in which case go right ahead, I won't be offended.) I'm just trying to talk it out in case it helps me figure out how I feel about the whole thing.

Aliantha · 07-01-2012, 03:03 AM

I forget how old you are Clod, but it's quite a bit younger than me isn't it?

The best advice I could give you is to go ahead and do it when you're still young enough to cope with the challenges. Once you're knocking on or stepping over the doorway into your 40's, it's so much harder. Not only has your body gotten a bit set in its ways and might rebel against the intrusion as mine has, but your mind is much more set about things too. I find it a lot harder to be fatalistic about some of the more minor things. I over think things at times and just generally seem to be such an old fart in so many ways now. I think if I had my choice again, there's no way i'd have had this latest pregnancy. I think it was a mistake simply because I'm just too old. The risk factors go up exponentially as you would know anyway.

So my suggestion is, do it now or just give it a miss. I don't mean right this second, but some time over the next year or two. I wouldn't worry about age gaps or anything. Those seem to work themselves out pretty well.

I think when it all comes down to it, if you want to have another child, then you should. Money is a factor, but when it comes to bringing a child into a loving home, it's not the be all and end all. Who knows, you might give birth to a future billionaire anyway, so retirement could be very pleasant for you.

I also believe that if you're on the fence about it, it probably means that you want to have another child emotionally, but your logical mind is telling you all the reasons not to. I think the decision you really need to make is whether to be ruled by your heart or you head in this decision. xx

ZenGum · 07-01-2012, 05:32 AM

Well, as a non-parent, I'm astonished that you'd even consider it for a moment. So obviously I'm not even on the same page as you, but I'll offer this tidbit: I go to sleep at around 11 to 12 pm, and sleep through until I am woken by the alarm at 7. Pretty much every night.
Remember that?

Still, I bet you get more hugs than me.

Clodfobble · 07-01-2012, 06:56 AM

Ha! I don't believe that, you have all those foreign co-eds hanging around... "Oh Professor Zen, I'm experiencing such culture shock. Won't you please help me feel more... comfortable in my surroundings? I just need a friend."

Clodfobble · 07-01-2012, 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliantha

I forget how old you are Clod, but it's quite a bit younger than me isn't it?

I turn 32 in November.

ZenGum · 07-01-2012, 07:06 AM

I swear what I said is true. Even if we're in bed by eight.

Nahhh, (a) I'm not at the uni any more and (b) you can get fired for that and (c) it doesn't really seem to happen, despite what the letters to that magazine say.

limey · 07-01-2012, 07:07 AM

Clod - I'm astonished that you're considering it, but you're my idea of the sort of person who should be a parent because you work so hard at it. Whatever you choose I know you'll do it to the best of your ability and your children, however many you have, will always be lucky to have you as their mum!

Clodfobble · 07-01-2012, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenGum

(a) I'm not at the uni any more and (b) you can get fired for that

Q.E.D.

DanaC · 07-01-2012, 07:54 AM

You're only 31???

I'm slightly shocked by that. You're so together. Dare I say it, even, wise.

Clodfobble · 07-01-2012, 08:26 AM

I waste a lot of it being a smartass. And like everyone, I'm not nearly as together in real life as I am on the internet.

Griff · 07-01-2012, 10:57 AM

My perspective is tainted by my world-view. I see a planet with a lot of people on it so we decided to replace ourselves and stop at two, but in contrast I see an American society where the least fit to parent are generally the breeders, see gravdigr's awful children at ground zero thread. I see you as an unbelievably talented parent who has a lot to give. That said, I guess in your shoes I'd focus on the very challenging kids you have and begin making some space in your life for yourself. You appear to be a person who gives and gives, folks like you sometimes forget to tend to self.

footfootfoot · 07-01-2012, 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I turn 32 in November.

Good lord. Now I feel kind of icky...

jimhelm · 07-01-2012, 12:12 PM

I don't

•spoken in to my phone

footfootfoot · 07-01-2012, 12:42 PM

Well, you are a lot closer to her in age.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-01-2012, 09:25 PM

3foot's a zombie... hot for brains.

Clod, more? You're nuts, but so very good at it.

07-01-2012, 12:53 AM	#1
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	Deeply Conflicted I always wanted a big family. Minimum three kids, preferably four (not including stepkids.) Obviously things changed there for awhile. We're at the point now where it's a possibility again. But I don't know. Mr. Clod says he could go either way. He'll always fall on the side of wanting more kids, but he readily admits that's easy for him to say because he's not the one here the majority of the day, and he could be done if I want to be. Me, I think I do still want more, but I can't silence the voice that says it is wholly irresponsible. On the one hand, I do completely believe we could avoid neurological problems, knowing what we do now. But many of my friends who made different medical choices with their later children say they still have moderate GI problems to deal with, even in the absence of life-altering disorders. Then again, everyone has some level of genetic defect, and deaf people have babies all the time... on the plus side, I do have a good track record of contributing really smart kids to the gene pool. And what is my responsibility to my current children? A sibling might be a very good thing for both of them. It also might simply take attention away from them that they still really need. Typical debate with any family, I know, but for us the stakes are higher. Have to consider the age gap as well, since Minifobette will be at least 5 1/2 years older. And there's the money. We're still hemorrhaging medical bills, but things are improving with recovery and they will get significantly better after Minifobette starts Kindergarten. But I was kind of looking forward to not being broke all the time. I don't know if I want to start the clock all over. And then sometimes I think that what we really should do is give it another year or two, and then have another pair. We'd have the two Asian ones, the two Autistic ones, and the two...something else that starts with A. Not the stuff life decisions should be made of, I know. But the thought does amuse me. I know nobody's going to have an answer for me (unless you want to say, "goddamn right it's irresponsible, what are you thinking?" in which case go right ahead, I won't be offended.) I'm just trying to talk it out in case it helps me figure out how I feel about the whole thing. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

07-01-2012, 03:03 AM	#2
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I forget how old you are Clod, but it's quite a bit younger than me isn't it? The best advice I could give you is to go ahead and do it when you're still young enough to cope with the challenges. Once you're knocking on or stepping over the doorway into your 40's, it's so much harder. Not only has your body gotten a bit set in its ways and might rebel against the intrusion as mine has, but your mind is much more set about things too. I find it a lot harder to be fatalistic about some of the more minor things. I over think things at times and just generally seem to be such an old fart in so many ways now. I think if I had my choice again, there's no way i'd have had this latest pregnancy. I think it was a mistake simply because I'm just too old. The risk factors go up exponentially as you would know anyway. So my suggestion is, do it now or just give it a miss. I don't mean right this second, but some time over the next year or two. I wouldn't worry about age gaps or anything. Those seem to work themselves out pretty well. I think when it all comes down to it, if you want to have another child, then you should. Money is a factor, but when it comes to bringing a child into a loving home, it's not the be all and end all. Who knows, you might give birth to a future billionaire anyway, so retirement could be very pleasant for you. I also believe that if you're on the fence about it, it probably means that you want to have another child emotionally, but your logical mind is telling you all the reasons not to. I think the decision you really need to make is whether to be ruled by your heart or you head in this decision. xx __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

07-01-2012, 05:32 AM	#3
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Well, as a non-parent, I'm astonished that you'd even consider it for a moment. So obviously I'm not even on the same page as you, but I'll offer this tidbit: I go to sleep at around 11 to 12 pm, and sleep through until I am woken by the alarm at 7. Pretty much every night. Remember that? Still, I bet you get more hugs than me. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

07-01-2012, 06:56 AM	#4
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	Ha! I don't believe that, you have all those foreign co-eds hanging around... "Oh Professor Zen, I'm experiencing such culture shock. Won't you please help me feel more... comfortable in my surroundings? I just need a friend." __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

07-01-2012, 07:06 AM	#6
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	I swear what I said is true. Even if we're in bed by eight. Nahhh, (a) I'm not at the uni any more and (b) you can get fired for that and (c) it doesn't really seem to happen, despite what the letters to that magazine say. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

07-01-2012, 07:07 AM	#7
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	Clod - I'm astonished that you're considering it, but you're my idea of the sort of person who should be a parent because you work so hard at it. Whatever you choose I know you'll do it to the best of your ability and your children, however many you have, will always be lucky to have you as their mum! __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

07-01-2012, 08:26 AM	#10
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I waste a lot of it being a smartass. And like everyone, I'm not nearly as together in real life as I am on the internet. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

07-01-2012, 10:57 AM	#11
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	My perspective is tainted by my world-view. I see a planet with a lot of people on it so we decided to replace ourselves and stop at two, but in contrast I see an American society where the least fit to parent are generally the breeders, see gravdigr's awful children at ground zero thread. I see you as an unbelievably talented parent who has a lot to give. That said, I guess in your shoes I'd focus on the very challenging kids you have and begin making some space in your life for yourself. You appear to be a person who gives and gives, folks like you sometimes forget to tend to self. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

07-01-2012, 12:12 PM	#13
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	I don't •spoken in to my phone __________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool

07-01-2012, 12:42 PM	#14
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Well, you are a lot closer to her in age. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

07-01-2012, 09:25 PM	#15
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	3foot's a zombie... hot for brains. Clod, more? You're nuts, but so very good at it. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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