How does one become okay with being single? - Page 4

sexobon · 10-10-2011, 06:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanaC

It may not be true that you won't stop meeting someone til you stop looking...

But it does help if you aren't desperate.

It's not so much about becoming comfortable with singledom forever. It's more about becomng comfortable with singledom right now. ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanaC

I think the big difficulty here is that he hasn;t experienced a serious long-term relationship. It's much easier to come to conclusions about what you want and what will make you happy if you have some frame of reference.

I see an equally large difficulty with his playing field being full of people who have learned, directly or indirectly, to avoid those who are looking for someone who will *make me happy*. Knowledgeable people seek someone who has found other ways to be happy, not just comfortable, with whom a relationship would enhance their mutual happiness rather than someone who needs a partner to be happy. The latter situation yields lower stability as even life's routine separations, physical and emotional, can cause such a relationship to spiral downward when one person takes the basic happiness of the other with them.

To peak other's interest, mr.moons can take stock of what's already making him happy and, starting with the most common, pursue those in social settings even if he has to redirect himself from solitary pursuits (e.g. collectors can join clubs). The more often he can present himself as an intrinsically happy person who's available; but, not needy (let alone desperate), the better his chances of making a healthy long term connection.

limey · 10-10-2011, 07:05 AM

It might also help Mr.Moon if he remain engaged in any conversations he started ... jus' sayin' ....

sexobon · 10-10-2011, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr.moons

... I just have this strong desire to experience a loving romantic relationship, but that desire is profiting me nothing.

Maybe he was just trying to drum up some business; but, didn't get any takers:

I'm just a gigolo and everywhere I go
People know the part, I'm playin'
Paid for every dance, sellin' each romance
Ooh, what they're sayin'

mr.moons · 10-10-2011, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by limey

It might also help Mr.Moon if he remain engaged in any conversations he started ... jus' sayin' ....

I've been following what all of you have been saying, but I haven't really read anything that I've felt the need to reply to until now.

Does it sound to you guys like I'm looking for someone to make me happy? Perhaps I am. I am a relatively happy person, but I feel like I would be more happy if I had a partner in crime. I don't think people are supposed to be alone.

sexobon · 10-11-2011, 12:09 AM

Of all the subjects covered by the Cellar's various forums and of all the sub-topics covered by threads within each forum, you started out here not by posting a reply to anyone else's interests; but, by starting a thread about you feeling alone. If that doesn't say "needy" it's because it SCREAMS "needy" ... actions speak louder than words ... first impressions and all that. Yes, you present as looking for someone to make you happy and being unable to maintain that threshold on your own. With an entrance like that, I hope you didn't come here looking for potential IRL companionship. Coming for advice is good.

limey · 10-11-2011, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr.moons

I've been following what all of you have been saying, but I haven't really read anything that I've felt the need to reply to until now.

Does it sound to you guys like I'm looking for someone to make me happy? Perhaps I am. I am a relatively happy person, but I feel like I would be more happy if I had a partner in crime. I don't think people are supposed to be alone.

Thank you for your reply, mr.moons. I think there's a lot of good advice and suggestions here. I hope they help you.

BigV · 10-11-2011, 10:17 AM

I must second limey's remarks mr.moons. Unless you've been lurking for years, you've no idea how rich and pure the vein of sincere wisdom you've tapped into with this thread. Very smart, very compassionate, very articulate people have offered their insight here. And so have I. You mightn't have thought any reply was needed, but I do hope you find success and happiness. The words here are good guides for that quest.

mr.moons · 10-11-2011, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexobon

Of all the subjects covered by the Cellar's various forums and of all the sub-topics covered by threads within each forum, you started out here not by posting a reply to anyone else's interests; but, by starting a thread about you feeling alone. If that doesn't say "needy" it's because it SCREAMS "needy" ... actions speak louder than words ... first impressions and all that. Yes, you present as looking for someone to make you happy and being unable to maintain that threshold on your own. With an entrance like that, I hope you didn't come here looking for potential IRL companionship. Coming for advice is good.

I appreciate the honesty.
I did come here looking for advice, not a partner, so no worries (I hope).
So let's assume I am as needy as I appear. Does that mean I'm unfit to have a girlfriend and I shouldn't try to get one until I somehow figure out how to be un-needy?
I apologize if that sounds bitter, I guess I am a bit bitter about things, but I do wanna figure all this out.

piercehawkeye45 · 10-11-2011, 10:12 PM

It is hard to give broad advice, so let's follow Clobfobble's lead. Answer the following questions and hopefully it help with better advice:

1) Do you see yourself as a confident? If in certain areas and not others, specify. Quickly, how do you think others would describe you.

2) Quickly describe your life. What do you do for a job, what do you do in your free time?

3) What are your ambitions? What are you doing to improve yourself?

3) What would you like to do (in terms of hobbies, self-improvement, ambitions, etc)? Why are you not doing this?

4) How often do you meet women? In what setting? Do you feel like you connect with them, if not, why? What do you do to meet women?

5) Describe the the relationships of the people around you. Are they married, in serious relationships, single?

6) You answered this but do you consider yourself happy? Do you think a relationship will make you happy?

7) Why should a woman want to date you?

Clodfobble · 10-11-2011, 10:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr.moons

Does that mean I'm unfit to have a girlfriend(?)

"Unfit" is an interesting word choice. Would you say that you feel you deserve a girlfriend? Because that in itself is a backwards and self-defeating way of thinking about other people. It verges close on the idea that an individual woman, or women in general, owe you something.

Is there a particular woman in your life whom you are interested in? Because if the answer is that you would be interested in pretty much anyone, then you're not going to be offering much in return to a hypothetical girlfriend--the vibe you'll be giving off (and women are very good at picking up on this kind of attitude) is that she is not special, that you will only see her as "my girlfriend" and not "Susan" or whoever. It doesn't even matter if you would lavish her with gifts and attention in her role as your girlfriend, if you would do it for anyone then she'll know she's got no real connection from you.

monster · 10-11-2011, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by piercehawkeye45

It is hard to give broad advice, so let's follow Clobfobble's lead. Answer the following questions and hopefully it help with better advice:

1) Do you see yourself as a confident? Do you have spinach on your teeth?

limey · 10-12-2011, 03:05 AM

[thread-drift]Monster, that is a great song[/thread-drift]

mr.moons · 10-17-2011, 10:08 PM

Sorry I've not been replying. I have some stuff going on and most of my spare thinking time is being spent on that.

HungLikeJesus · 10-17-2011, 10:11 PM

Posting on the Cellar is better than thinking!

monster · 10-17-2011, 10:13 PM

It's like thinking one-hundred-fold.

10-10-2011, 07:05 AM	#47
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	It might also help Mr.Moon if he remain engaged in any conversations he started ... jus' sayin' .... __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

10-11-2011, 10:17 AM	#52
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	I must second limey's remarks mr.moons. Unless you've been lurking for years, you've no idea how rich and pure the vein of sincere wisdom you've tapped into with this thread. Very smart, very compassionate, very articulate people have offered their insight here. And so have I. You mightn't have thought any reply was needed, but I do hope you find success and happiness. The words here are good guides for that quest. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

10-11-2011, 10:12 PM	#54
piercehawkeye45 Franklin Pierce Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Minnesota Posts: 3,695	It is hard to give broad advice, so let's follow Clobfobble's lead. Answer the following questions and hopefully it help with better advice: 1) Do you see yourself as a confident? If in certain areas and not others, specify. Quickly, how do you think others would describe you. 2) Quickly describe your life. What do you do for a job, what do you do in your free time? 3) What are your ambitions? What are you doing to improve yourself? 3) What would you like to do (in terms of hobbies, self-improvement, ambitions, etc)? Why are you not doing this? 4) How often do you meet women? In what setting? Do you feel like you connect with them, if not, why? What do you do to meet women? 5) Describe the the relationships of the people around you. Are they married, in serious relationships, single? 6) You answered this but do you consider yourself happy? Do you think a relationship will make you happy? 7) Why should a woman want to date you? __________________ I like my perspectives like I like my baseball caps: one size fits all.

10-12-2011, 03:05 AM	#57
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	[thread-drift]Monster, that is a great song[/thread-drift] __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

10-17-2011, 10:11 PM	#59
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	Posting on the Cellar is better than thinking! __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

10-11-2011, 12:09 AM	#50
sexobon I love it when a plan comes together. Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 9,793	Of all the subjects covered by the Cellar's various forums and of all the sub-topics covered by threads within each forum, you started out here not by posting a reply to anyone else's interests; but, by starting a thread about you feeling alone. If that doesn't say "needy" it's because it SCREAMS "needy" ... actions speak louder than words ... first impressions and all that. Yes, you present as looking for someone to make you happy and being unable to maintain that threshold on your own. With an entrance like that, I hope you didn't come here looking for potential IRL companionship. Coming for advice is good.

10-17-2011, 10:08 PM	#58
mr.moons Resident-in-Training Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 7	Sorry I've not been replying. I have some stuff going on and most of my spare thinking time is being spent on that.

10-17-2011, 10:13 PM	#60
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	It's like thinking one-hundred-fold. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)