Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 142

skysidhe · 10-17-2008, 10:36 AM

Pico and ME · 10-17-2008, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysidhe

hee hee

Pie · 10-17-2008, 11:15 AM

What do you call a poodle with no legs? A sponge.

classicman · 10-20-2008, 01:43 PM

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT
build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me
friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit
Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'

classicman · 10-20-2008, 04:03 PM

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth.

E.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans ...
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D)
is asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS
to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
what does it mean?

A.
Well... i f you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orlea ns
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.

B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D. C

HELLO?
Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage T ax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Us age Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Pie · 10-22-2008, 01:20 PM

Yo mama so fat, she authorized a $700 billion bailout of Dairy Queen.
Yo mama so fat, she thinks the G8 is a Value Meal.
Yo mama so fat, her other biography is called "The Audacity of Hardee's"
Yo mama so fat, the only Supreme Court verdict she wants to overturn is HomeTown Buffet v. Yo Mama.
Yo mama so fat, she thinks sub-prime is a steak cut.
Yo mama so fat, McCain refers to her as "Those Ones."
Your mama so fat, when they asked which menus she reads, she said "You know, all of 'em."
Yo mama so ugly, Obama said "You can put lipstick on a pig and it would look a lot like yo mama on dollar margarita night."
Yo mama so fat ACORN registered her to vote *three* times.
Yo mama so fat Russia can see her from *their* house.
Yo mama such a ho, the tab for the federal bailout plan is "700 billion dollars, plus fifty cents to have sex with yo mama."

Sundae · 10-22-2008, 02:11 PM

Talking about mamas, I got mine with Girl Falling Off a Bicycle.
She replied saying I was a bugger and that she'd been leaning right up close to hear it.

I laughed really hard.

Then for some reason I felt awful. My Mum trusts me. She would have been leaning in, anticipating a funny joke from her daughter, all expectant and innocent... I abused her trust to play a nasty trick. I felt like I betrayed her.

No idea where that same from. weird, huh?

Still, I did get a good laugh from it to start with.

Pie · 10-22-2008, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Talking about mamas, I got mine with Girl Falling Off a Bicycle.
She replied saying I was a bugger and that she'd been leaning right up close to hear it.

I laughed really hard.

Then for some reason I felt awful. My Mum trusts me. She would have been leaning in, anticipating a funny joke from her daughter, all expectant and innocent... I abused her trust to play a nasty trick. I felt like I betrayed her.

No idea where that same from. weird, huh?

Still, I did get a good laugh from it to start with.

SG, I really want to understand this, but I feel like I am trying to read a joke in Russian.

glatt · 10-22-2008, 02:50 PM

I'm no Clodfobble, but let me try.

Sundae Girl is saying that she tricked her mother into watching a video that had been posted here on the Cellar. The video shows a girl riding a bicycle, and at the last minute, a scary face pops up into view and a loud screaming noise is heard. It's a video that is designed to startle the viewer.

At first, Sundae Girl had a good laugh because she tricked her mother. But then she felt guilty about it.

HungLikeJesus · 10-22-2008, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Talking about mamas, I got mine with Girl Falling Off a Bicycle.
She replied saying I was a bugger and that she'd been leaning right up close to hear it.

I laughed really hard.

Then for some reason I felt awful. My Mum trusts me. She would have been leaning in, anticipating a funny joke from her daughter, all expectant and innocent... I abused her trust to play a nasty trick. I felt like I betrayed her.

No idea where that same from. weird, huh?

Still, I did get a good laugh from it to start with.

It's alright to do that at Halloween.

jester · 10-23-2008, 03:18 PM

How to be cruel to old guys...
Name: Eye Chart.jpg
Views: 1742
Size: 19.6 KB

jester · 10-23-2008, 03:19 PM

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!"
The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

Madman · 10-24-2008, 11:03 AM

A contribution to the "humor" thread...

Enjoy...

.............................................................................................
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------------

SteveDallas · 10-23-2008, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jester

How to be cruel to old guys...

Pfft... my eyesight's so bad, I could barely see the one at the top.

jester · 10-23-2008, 04:21 PM

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old white man married a 20 year old white girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age? He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it? He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

10-17-2008, 11:15 AM	#3
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	What do you call a poodle with no legs? A sponge. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

10-20-2008, 01:43 PM	#4
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds. You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?' 'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. 'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.' 'Are you sure?' 'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.' 'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris 'Dat it is, Sir.' There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!' The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. 'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? 'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!' __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-20-2008, 04:03 PM	#5
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	How many zeros in a billion? The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases. A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth. E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New Orleans ... It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division. Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D) is asking Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number... what does it mean? A. Well... i f you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orlea ns (every man, woman, and child) you each get $516,528. B. Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787. C. Or... if you are a family of four... your family gets $2,066,012. Washington , D. C HELLO? Are all your calculators broken?? Accounts Receivable Tax Building Permit Tax CDL License Tax Cigarette Tax Corporate Income Tax Dog License Tax Federal Income Tax Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA) Fishing License Tax Food License Tax Fuel Permit Tax Gasoline Tax Hunting License Tax Inheritance Tax Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax) IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax) Liquor Tax Luxury Tax Marriage License Tax Medicare Tax Property Tax Real Estate Tax Service charge taxes Social Security Tax Road Usage T ax (Truckers) Sales Taxes Recreational Vehicle Tax School Tax State Income Tax State Unemployment Tax (SUTA) Telephone Federal Excise Tax Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax Telephone Minimum Us age Surcharge Tax Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax Telephone State and Local Tax Telephone Usage Charge Tax Utility Tax Vehicle License Registration Tax Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax Well Permit Tax Workers Compensation Tax STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY? __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-22-2008, 01:20 PM	#6
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Yo mama so fat, she authorized a $700 billion bailout of Dairy Queen. Yo mama so fat, she thinks the G8 is a Value Meal. Yo mama so fat, her other biography is called "The Audacity of Hardee's" Yo mama so fat, the only Supreme Court verdict she wants to overturn is HomeTown Buffet v. Yo Mama. Yo mama so fat, she thinks sub-prime is a steak cut. Yo mama so fat, McCain refers to her as "Those Ones." Your mama so fat, when they asked which menus she reads, she said "You know, all of 'em." Yo mama so ugly, Obama said "You can put lipstick on a pig and it would look a lot like yo mama on dollar margarita night." Yo mama so fat ACORN registered her to vote three times. Yo mama so fat Russia can see her from their house. Yo mama such a ho, the tab for the federal bailout plan is "700 billion dollars, plus fifty cents to have sex with yo mama." __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

10-22-2008, 02:11 PM	#7
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Talking about mamas, I got mine with Girl Falling Off a Bicycle. She replied saying I was a bugger and that she'd been leaning right up close to hear it. I laughed really hard. Then for some reason I felt awful. My Mum trusts me. She would have been leaning in, anticipating a funny joke from her daughter, all expectant and innocent... I abused her trust to play a nasty trick. I felt like I betrayed her. No idea where that same from. weird, huh? Still, I did get a good laugh from it to start with. __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

10-17-2008, 10:36 AM	#1
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

10-22-2008, 02:50 PM	#9
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	I'm no Clodfobble, but let me try. Sundae Girl is saying that she tricked her mother into watching a video that had been posted here on the Cellar. The video shows a girl riding a bicycle, and at the last minute, a scary face pops up into view and a loud screaming noise is heard. It's a video that is designed to startle the viewer. At first, Sundae Girl had a good laugh because she tricked her mother. But then she felt guilty about it.

10-23-2008, 03:18 PM	#11
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	How to be cruel to old guys...

10-23-2008, 03:19 PM	#12
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!" The groom replies, "I just had the best blowjob I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited!" The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

10-24-2008, 11:03 AM	#13
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	A contribution to the "humor" thread... Enjoy... ............................................................................................. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...' ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------

10-23-2008, 04:21 PM	#15
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old white man married a 20 year old white girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age? He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it? He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man." He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

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