Etiquette

Nirvana · 02-26-2011, 06:21 PM

My sister's daughter in law , [my nephew's wife] is having a baby shower. Her sister sent out invitations with an email RSVP. I have two other sisters their invitations came addressed to their husband one of whom is deceased. Not to MRS but to their respective husband by first name. My sisters were a bit weirded out and claimed only to me, that their husbands won't be attending and they were not invited.

Tryong to fix this I sent an email to the person that was throwing the party as instructed to RSVP

Hello XXXX,
I plan to be at the baby shower. I am also writing because I am sure
this was a unintended mistake but 2 invitations were sent to my
brother in laws rather than their wives, one of whom died in
September. {XXXXXX XXXXXXX, XXXX XXXXXXX/deceased] I thought
maybe you would like to correct this by sending invitations made out
to XXXXXX XXXX and XXXXXX XXXXXX. Thanks for your consideration.

I received no response this was 2 weeks ago and neither did my sisters receive an altered invitation. They do not know that I wrote this person. This is going to be a big mess what do I do know?

monster · 02-26-2011, 06:38 PM

can you call them? some things are better unelectronically

Clodfobble · 02-26-2011, 07:21 PM

This is a job for your sister (the soon-to-be grandmother) to handle. She should be able to get together with her daughter-in-law to confirm that your other two sisters should have been invited, and extend the appropriate invitations to them.

Nirvana · 02-26-2011, 07:44 PM

UGH I meant to write NOW not know...

Normally I would agree with you CF but since the shower is being thrown by someone other than the DIL herself and this person lives in another state, it really is not my "niece in law's" problem and I don't want to make it her problem. There was only an email for contact.

I have told my older sister about the situation but she is not the one throwing the shower. I am thinking of buying a gift, and sending it on with my sister. I hate family weirdness.

ETA: My name was not correct on my invite but at least they got my first name right.

footfootfoot · 02-26-2011, 08:12 PM

Handling (hosting) these sorts of things looks a lot easier than it is. A lot of folks who attempt this are way out of their depth, this seems to be the case here. A good host/hostess would enlist the help of a reliable person(s) from "both sides of the aisle" to ensure names and other particulars are correct. Then there is the reality that everyone needs to be invited unless there are truly extenuating circumstances. Boors and gossips need to be suffered, but junkies who will steal things do not (for example)

As for what to do, how close are you to the couple? How much does it mean to your sister? As always, taking the high road, like good manners, never goes out of style.

footfootfoot · 02-26-2011, 08:13 PM

I was totally channeling Emily Post or someone there. That's so unlike me.

Nirvana · 02-26-2011, 08:41 PM

I am pretty sure they did not mean to invite men to this or should I be mad they did not invite my husband?

If they did not mean to invite my sisters why invite their husbands one of whom is dead?

trainwreck

Is sending a gift with my sister and avoiding this trainwreck a bad idea?

Clodfobble · 02-26-2011, 08:51 PM

If nothing else, your sister and/or daughter-in-law should have a phone number for the person hosting. Instead of trying to dance around the issue of whether the other sisters were supposed to be invited or not, you could simply say that you wanted to check whether the men were really invited, because you've never been to a coed baby shower.

monster · 02-26-2011, 08:54 PM

Very few things make me miss the UK. This is one of the very few.

Pico and ME · 02-26-2011, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

I was totally channeling Emily Post or someone there. That's so unlike me.

I thought you just forgot the quote marks...

Sundae · 02-27-2011, 05:03 AM

Perhaps the original sender thought you were making her aware of a mistake, rather than asking a question as to whether they are invited. It's not 100% clear from your mail, after all you worded it "maybe you would like to". She might have read it and thought "Oops!" and not picked up on the suggestion that you re-issue.

People often see what they want to, especially if they've just been embarrassed by the faux pas of sending an invite to a dead man.

Nirvana · 02-27-2011, 10:18 AM

They may have decided that they don't have any more invitations and that if they don't answer maybe this will go away.

The situation I am in is if I don't go I am an ass and if I go I am an ass. So I convinced my sister to call this women and ask WTF is going. Even if they are out of invites they should buy a couple of generic and re issue. I don't think that there is an issue of whether they were invited or not but ... well trainwreck

classicman · 02-27-2011, 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

My sister's daughter in law , [my nephew's wife] is having a baby shower. Her sister sent out invitations with an email RSVP. I have two other sisters their invitations came addressed to their husband one of whom is deceased.

So they messed up. The women were certainly invited, not their husbands.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

My sisters were a bit weirded out and claimed only to me, that their husbands won't be attending and they were not invited.

Odd reaction, to me, but whatever. I would venture to guess there is more to this their relationship or ???) than them just seeing the mistake for what it was and moving on.

you tried to help and all - I get that, but it seems to be more of an overreaction that is creating whatever train wreck, if any, there will be.

Nirvana · 02-27-2011, 04:31 PM

Quote:

So they messed up. The women were certainly invited, not their husbands.

How is this clear to you? My brother in law's first name is Celestino my sister does not have a name even close to that. Someone took the time to write that name on an invitation. My BIL SXXX is dead why send a dead man an invite? I don't know if any other men are invited. Its hard not to be offended by this and even further since I sent an email 2x and got no response.
My sisters are upset by this... understandably...at least to me.

footfootfoot · 02-27-2011, 04:34 PM

Reminds me of someone I know who got married on Thanksgiving. I asked a mutual friend "Who gets married on Thanksgiving?" Without missing a beat he said "Someone who doesn't want anyone to come to his wedding."

02-26-2011, 06:21 PM	#1
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Etiquette My sister's daughter in law , [my nephew's wife] is having a baby shower. Her sister sent out invitations with an email RSVP. I have two other sisters their invitations came addressed to their husband one of whom is deceased. Not to MRS but to their respective husband by first name. My sisters were a bit weirded out and claimed only to me, that their husbands won't be attending and they were not invited. Tryong to fix this I sent an email to the person that was throwing the party as instructed to RSVP Hello XXXX, I plan to be at the baby shower. I am also writing because I am sure this was a unintended mistake but 2 invitations were sent to my brother in laws rather than their wives, one of whom died in September. {XXXXXX XXXXXXX, XXXX XXXXXXX/deceased] I thought maybe you would like to correct this by sending invitations made out to XXXXXX XXXX and XXXXXX XXXXXX. Thanks for your consideration. I received no response this was 2 weeks ago and neither did my sisters receive an altered invitation. They do not know that I wrote this person. This is going to be a big mess what do I do know? __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

02-26-2011, 06:38 PM	#2
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	can you call them? some things are better unelectronically __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

02-26-2011, 07:21 PM	#3
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	This is a job for your sister (the soon-to-be grandmother) to handle. She should be able to get together with her daughter-in-law to confirm that your other two sisters should have been invited, and extend the appropriate invitations to them. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

02-26-2011, 07:44 PM	#4
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	UGH I meant to write NOW not know... Normally I would agree with you CF but since the shower is being thrown by someone other than the DIL herself and this person lives in another state, it really is not my "niece in law's" problem and I don't want to make it her problem. There was only an email for contact. I have told my older sister about the situation but she is not the one throwing the shower. I am thinking of buying a gift, and sending it on with my sister. I hate family weirdness. ETA: My name was not correct on my invite but at least they got my first name right. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind. Last edited by Nirvana; 02-26-2011 at 07:49 PM.

02-26-2011, 08:12 PM	#5
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Handling (hosting) these sorts of things looks a lot easier than it is. A lot of folks who attempt this are way out of their depth, this seems to be the case here. A good host/hostess would enlist the help of a reliable person(s) from "both sides of the aisle" to ensure names and other particulars are correct. Then there is the reality that everyone needs to be invited unless there are truly extenuating circumstances. Boors and gossips need to be suffered, but junkies who will steal things do not (for example) As for what to do, how close are you to the couple? How much does it mean to your sister? As always, taking the high road, like good manners, never goes out of style. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-26-2011, 08:13 PM	#6
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	I was totally channeling Emily Post or someone there. That's so unlike me. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

02-26-2011, 08:41 PM	#7
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	I am pretty sure they did not mean to invite men to this or should I be mad they did not invite my husband? If they did not mean to invite my sisters why invite their husbands one of whom is dead? trainwreck Is sending a gift with my sister and avoiding this trainwreck a bad idea? __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

02-26-2011, 08:51 PM	#8
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	If nothing else, your sister and/or daughter-in-law should have a phone number for the person hosting. Instead of trying to dance around the issue of whether the other sisters were supposed to be invited or not, you could simply say that you wanted to check whether the men were really invited, because you've never been to a coed baby shower. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

02-26-2011, 08:54 PM	#9
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Very few things make me miss the UK. This is one of the very few. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

02-27-2011, 05:03 AM	#11
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Perhaps the original sender thought you were making her aware of a mistake, rather than asking a question as to whether they are invited. It's not 100% clear from your mail, after all you worded it "maybe you would like to". She might have read it and thought "Oops!" and not picked up on the suggestion that you re-issue. People often see what they want to, especially if they've just been embarrassed by the faux pas of sending an invite to a dead man.

02-27-2011, 10:18 AM	#12
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	They may have decided that they don't have any more invitations and that if they don't answer maybe this will go away. The situation I am in is if I don't go I am an ass and if I go I am an ass. So I convinced my sister to call this women and ask WTF is going. Even if they are out of invites they should buy a couple of generic and re issue. I don't think that there is an issue of whether they were invited or not but ... well trainwreck __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

02-27-2011, 04:34 PM	#15
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Reminds me of someone I know who got married on Thanksgiving. I asked a mutual friend "Who gets married on Thanksgiving?" Without missing a beat he said "Someone who doesn't want anyone to come to his wedding." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

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