Humor...I Need Humor...

[classicman]

Jewish Humor from a Jewish Friend

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days,
Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny
Youngman, and others? But don't you miss their humor? Not a swear
word in the bunch!

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever
finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making
love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding
night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
called it the Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the
mud fell off.

* I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
hungry.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came
back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See!
What did I tell you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc,
how do I stand? " The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.