Oldest son reaching out

Cloud · 12-29-2009, 09:30 PM

Kids fuck up, but I believe you should always leave a back door open in your house and your heart for your child. No ultimatums.

Here's a story: When BD#2 was 14, she walked out the door one day and didn't come back. I had no word from her for something like a year, and even the cops told me she was likely dead. She'd had behavior problems, and we did everything we could to try to help or cope; we thought things were better, but it wasn't enough for her.

She finally did contact me, but she was so angry at the world for so long. I made a deliberate decision not to be angry, resentful, or defensive, and to encourage any and all contact she wanted to make. I made some extraordinary concessions, and today I'm glad I did. Eventually, we did get her back, but it's been a long road for her (and she's still on it). But after growing up some, we have her back in our lives with good relationships.

So I hope your son can come back to you. There may be some bumps on the road, but don't give up hope. Treat him as gently as you can.

Pie · 12-30-2009, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cloud

Kids fuck up, but I believe you should always leave a back door open in your house and your heart for your child. No ultimatums.

There are times when you can't take that risk. My bro's a violent, drug using thug. I would never encourage my mother to let him back into her life, in any way. Yeah, it's awful to say that, but it's the truth.

Jay, I hope things work out for you and your son. But please be careful.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-30-2009, 08:05 PM

Sounds like he's not in that category, Pie, but the caution is good advice.

Jaydaan, Once he gets his shit together a little, he may decide he just can't live under your roof/rules... or you may come to that conclusion. But he can leave at that point without severing the line of communication. That's the ultimate goal, I think, to maintain communication without hostility. You're doing the right thing.

dar512 · 12-30-2009, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pie

There are times when you can't take that risk. My bro's a violent, drug using thug. I would never encourage my mother to let him back into her life, in any way. Yeah, it's awful to say that, but it's the truth.

Shit, Pie. That's too bad about your brother. I can't imagine having to deal with that.

Pie · 12-31-2009, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dar512

Shit, Pie. That's too bad about your brother. I can't imagine having to deal with that.

It's okay. Aside from bad memories, we deal with it by ignoring it.

12-29-2009, 09:30 PM	#1
Cloud ... Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 8,360	Kids fuck up, but I believe you should always leave a back door open in your house and your heart for your child. No ultimatums. Here's a story: When BD#2 was 14, she walked out the door one day and didn't come back. I had no word from her for something like a year, and even the cops told me she was likely dead. She'd had behavior problems, and we did everything we could to try to help or cope; we thought things were better, but it wasn't enough for her. She finally did contact me, but she was so angry at the world for so long. I made a deliberate decision not to be angry, resentful, or defensive, and to encourage any and all contact she wanted to make. I made some extraordinary concessions, and today I'm glad I did. Eventually, we did get her back, but it's been a long road for her (and she's still on it). But after growing up some, we have her back in our lives with good relationships. So I hope your son can come back to you. There may be some bumps on the road, but don't give up hope. Treat him as gently as you can. __________________ "Guard your honor. Let your reputation fall where it will. And outlive the bastards!"

12-30-2009, 08:05 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Sounds like he's not in that category, Pie, but the caution is good advice. Jaydaan, Once he gets his shit together a little, he may decide he just can't live under your roof/rules... or you may come to that conclusion. But he can leave at that point without severing the line of communication. That's the ultimate goal, I think, to maintain communication without hostility. You're doing the right thing. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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