Humor...I Need Humor...

Shawnee123 · 10-31-2009, 09:09 AM

Haggis!

Nirvana · 11-05-2009, 10:30 AM

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Gault says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to Gault. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

Gault nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "Gored" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. Gault throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"

plthijinx · 11-05-2009, 10:42 PM

Buying Fabric
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
-----------------------------------------------------
Italian Food
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef.
The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said.
"I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported."
------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Loss
My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization.
At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded,
"Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive.
Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up.
"I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

10-31-2009, 09:09 AM	#1
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Haggis! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

11-05-2009, 10:30 AM	#2
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Gault says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to Gault. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? " Gault nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "Gored" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. Gault throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... " Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!" __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

11-05-2009, 10:42 PM	#3
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	Buying Fabric Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. ----------------------------------------------------- Italian Food The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported." ------------------------------------------------------------ Weight Loss My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers. She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat. From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it." __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

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