My sis... - Page 2

Pie · 10-05-2009, 08:30 AM

Um.

Not a christian here. Hardline athiest, to be specific.
I married my husband when I was 23. After 5 years of dating.

We've never had a reason to regret it.

Just sayin'.

classicman · 10-05-2009, 08:37 AM

Live and let live - perhaps there is something in that for all concerned.

glatt · 10-05-2009, 09:00 AM

I pretty much knew before the end of the first week of dating that I wanted to marry my wife. We got engaged about as quickly as your sister, but we kept it to ourselves. We didn't announce it for another several months, and then took a little over a year to plan the wedding. Not because we weren't sure, but because of scheduling conflicts with other big family events. That was 16 years ago, and we're still going strong.

My point is that it's possible to just know, and you don't need a bunch of time to figure it out.

I'm not saying that this is your sister's situation, just that it's possible.

DanaC · 10-05-2009, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morethanpretty

Well went to dinner with my parents, his parents and them last night. I was not excited, made me sick to my stomach hearing them talk about being engaged, so I ignored all such talk. I can't be dishonest and tell her I'm happy when I not. I shouldn't lie to her either. I fought with my parents all the way back to my car because they won't inject the least bit of caution into the situation, they're not evaluating it AT ALL. They tell me what the fuck to do all the time and warn me of the dangers about moving too fast in a relationship, but its OK for their other daughter to marry a guy after only 4years of dating just because its "christian" relationship? Idiots. I don't want the to be against it, I'm not really against it, I just think there should be more caution.

You don't have to be happy about their decision, but you can, maybe, be happy that she is happy. Sure there will likely remain that little warning voice in the back of your mind shouting 'Danger, Danger', but there is always danger. She could spend three years dating a guy and then marry him and discover he's not quite the man she thought he was. It happens. There are no guarantees for good or ill. She may have met a guy who is her soulmate and thus feels no need to wait. She may be rushing in like a fool, blinded by immediate feelings. In either case, she could be wrong or right. Some of the seemingly worst matches outlast the ones that appear made in heaven.

And seriously, Moar, don't take this the wrong way, but how your parents are with you and how they are with her is irrelevant to this. It may or may not be fair that they feel you need dire warnings and greater levels of oversight in such matters. They may well feel that attempts to inject caution in this situation could be deemed a negative response and not want to spoil her happiness. If she's sure enough to want to marry, she's highly unlikely to take such warnings well or to heart.

Worrying for you, I realise. But there's nowt you can do about it m'dear. Just be happy that she's happy and reserve your opinion of the decision that she's taken.

Madman · 10-05-2009, 11:20 AM

Sisters 23? Still not married? I was 24 when I married my wife. We dated for about a year before we decided to get hitched. We actually had people betting it wouldn't last (we were both partiers). Hell, 28 years later we're still together and most of them have already been divorced and remarried.

All I can really say is...

...if your sister and her boyfriend really want to get married there is nothing you can say that will talk her out of it. If they do get married then the marriage will last as long as both of them want it to last.

But, you know your sister better than anyone here and all I can honestly say is...

...whatever decision they make, I wish them the best... and you too.

Flint · 10-05-2009, 01:14 PM

Is she hot?

Sundae · 10-05-2009, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothmoniker

If you are wrong, and they stay together in wedded bliss, your interference will always be a dark cloud between you and your new bro-in-law. If you are right, and they are self-destructive toward each other, your interference will be an eternal silent "I told you so" between you and your sister.

My open disapproval of my now BIL, when he first started dating my sister was the first big crack in our until then fairly reasonable relationship. He was an office romance, who split with his fiancee to date my sister. They were living together within a couple of months - she's a practising Catholic, but some things were quite flexible when she was 19!

They got engaged the day they moved in and started saving for the wedding immediately. She got pregnant on her honeymoon.

And they're still together. Still happy as far as I can tell. He's a wonderful father. Not my cup of tea, and I think he's made her very insular, but that's not for me to comment.

You won't change her mind MTP. No-one changed mine when I got married even though it was definitely for all the wrong reasons, and I resented those conversations. By all means speak mild caution. By be clear that you love her and want her to be happy. And if it goes tits-up, which I really hope it won't, you can be there to help her through that too.

Aliantha · 10-05-2009, 06:50 PM

Dazza and I were engaged after only about 6 months being together and married 6 months later.

I knew we'd be together long term the first time we met. So did he.

Sometimes that's just the way it happens. I wouldn't have listened if someone tried to warn me off or suggest I was doing the wrong thing because I knew it was the right thing for me at the time. Most likely your sis feels the same way MTP, rightly or wrongly.

If she did listen to you though, what would you really want her to do? Just prolong the engagement? Just note that you have concerns?

In my experience, I told you so's are pointless when relationships break up, so just try and put things in such a way that she doesn't feel like you're setting the scene for that sort of conversation in the future. That's about the best advice I have other than what's already been said.

morethanpretty · 10-05-2009, 07:05 PM

I'm not as upset with her at this point as I am my parents. I'm not really upset with her at all, for her I'm worried.
All I want is for the negative consequences to be takin into serious consideration. Yes, they should possibly prolong the engagement. If its the right person, then why would a bit extra time to confirm that "feeling" really cause harm? No they should take some extra time to be sure they have the same goals (i.e. # kids, social status, ect). Sure they might not have complete control over those things, but its wouldn't it be best if they agreed and knew what the other had in mind? There are a ton of things couples will forget to consider in the rush to get married. If nothing else they could take some relationship classes before hand. I don't give a fuck if she just "knows" or has the right "feeling." Those aren't logical enough reasons to get yourself into such a difficult situation to get out of. Financially as well as emotionally. The majority of those who have gotten divorced or just are unhappily married, most likely thought it felt absolute right when they decided to marry also.

monster · 10-05-2009, 08:07 PM

If my sister tried to interfere in my decision to get married I'd be pissed as all hell.

It's irrational and illogical to be this bent out of shape about it, imo. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? I suspsect your distress at your sister's impending nuptuals is a side-effect of something else that is bothering you. It's clearly having a big effect on your personal happiness so I think you should maybe concentrate on that. Just my 0.00000002c worth

morethanpretty · 10-05-2009, 08:56 PM

oh so I guess I'm just not supposed to worry about my family

monster · 10-05-2009, 09:02 PM

That's your call. From here this looks like more than "worrying'. But I'm not in your shoes and I don't know your sister or parents. But i worry about you -and see how pissed off you are about my mentioning it?

jinx · 10-05-2009, 09:04 PM

Worry is one thing. You want people to consider and act on your perspective of someone else's relationship, which, right or wrong, isn't relevant.

Support your sis, be happy for her, this isn't about you.

morethanpretty · 10-05-2009, 09:30 PM

I'm not trying to make it about me.
I am happy for her, but I can't be stupidly happy. I recognize there are good questions that need to be asked, and my parents are being absolutely blind about the whole thing. I would expect her to give me the same reality check in said situation, and she has, I've never resented her for it. I know she questions my decisions because she wants to make sure I'm looking at all sides of it. We've disagreed, but again, I know she questions because she loves me, its the same situation back. We have a more dynamic relationship than other people seem to understand, we're friends, not just family.

disenchanted · 10-05-2009, 09:35 PM

Clearly I am not the person to tell anyone about engagements, but my two cents is to be clear to her about your concerns, advise her to consider a long engagement, and let her know that you'll watch her back whether things go good or bad.

10-05-2009, 08:30 AM	#16
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Um. Not a christian here. Hardline athiest, to be specific. I married my husband when I was 23. After 5 years of dating. We've never had a reason to regret it. Just sayin'. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

10-05-2009, 08:37 AM	#17
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Live and let live - perhaps there is something in that for all concerned. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

10-05-2009, 01:14 PM	#21
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	Is she hot? __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

10-05-2009, 06:50 PM	#23
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Dazza and I were engaged after only about 6 months being together and married 6 months later. I knew we'd be together long term the first time we met. So did he. Sometimes that's just the way it happens. I wouldn't have listened if someone tried to warn me off or suggest I was doing the wrong thing because I knew it was the right thing for me at the time. Most likely your sis feels the same way MTP, rightly or wrongly. If she did listen to you though, what would you really want her to do? Just prolong the engagement? Just note that you have concerns? In my experience, I told you so's are pointless when relationships break up, so just try and put things in such a way that she doesn't feel like you're setting the scene for that sort of conversation in the future. That's about the best advice I have other than what's already been said. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

10-05-2009, 07:05 PM	#24
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	I'm not as upset with her at this point as I am my parents. I'm not really upset with her at all, for her I'm worried. All I want is for the negative consequences to be takin into serious consideration. Yes, they should possibly prolong the engagement. If its the right person, then why would a bit extra time to confirm that "feeling" really cause harm? No they should take some extra time to be sure they have the same goals (i.e. # kids, social status, ect). Sure they might not have complete control over those things, but its wouldn't it be best if they agreed and knew what the other had in mind? There are a ton of things couples will forget to consider in the rush to get married. If nothing else they could take some relationship classes before hand. I don't give a fuck if she just "knows" or has the right "feeling." Those aren't logical enough reasons to get yourself into such a difficult situation to get out of. Financially as well as emotionally. The majority of those who have gotten divorced or just are unhappily married, most likely thought it felt absolute right when they decided to marry also. __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

10-05-2009, 09:00 AM	#18
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	I pretty much knew before the end of the first week of dating that I wanted to marry my wife. We got engaged about as quickly as your sister, but we kept it to ourselves. We didn't announce it for another several months, and then took a little over a year to plan the wedding. Not because we weren't sure, but because of scheduling conflicts with other big family events. That was 16 years ago, and we're still going strong. My point is that it's possible to just know, and you don't need a bunch of time to figure it out. I'm not saying that this is your sister's situation, just that it's possible.

10-05-2009, 11:20 AM	#20
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	Sisters 23? Still not married? I was 24 when I married my wife. We dated for about a year before we decided to get hitched. We actually had people betting it wouldn't last (we were both partiers). Hell, 28 years later we're still together and most of them have already been divorced and remarried. All I can really say is... ...if your sister and her boyfriend really want to get married there is nothing you can say that will talk her out of it. If they do get married then the marriage will last as long as both of them want it to last. But, you know your sister better than anyone here and all I can honestly say is... ...whatever decision they make, I wish them the best... and you too.

10-05-2009, 08:07 PM	#25
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	If my sister tried to interfere in my decision to get married I'd be pissed as all hell. It's irrational and illogical to be this bent out of shape about it, imo. Do you have a therapist you can talk to? I suspsect your distress at your sister's impending nuptuals is a side-effect of something else that is bothering you. It's clearly having a big effect on your personal happiness so I think you should maybe concentrate on that. Just my 0.00000002c worth __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

10-05-2009, 08:56 PM	#26
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	oh so I guess I'm just not supposed to worry about my family __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

10-05-2009, 09:02 PM	#27
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	That's your call. From here this looks like more than "worrying'. But I'm not in your shoes and I don't know your sister or parents. But i worry about you -and see how pissed off you are about my mentioning it? __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

10-05-2009, 09:04 PM	#28
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	Worry is one thing. You want people to consider and act on your perspective of someone else's relationship, which, right or wrong, isn't relevant. Support your sis, be happy for her, this isn't about you. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

10-05-2009, 09:30 PM	#29
morethanpretty Thats "Miss Zipper Neck" to you. Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: little town (but not the littlest) in texas Posts: 2,957	I'm not trying to make it about me. I am happy for her, but I can't be stupidly happy. I recognize there are good questions that need to be asked, and my parents are being absolutely blind about the whole thing. I would expect her to give me the same reality check in said situation, and she has, I've never resented her for it. I know she questions my decisions because she wants to make sure I'm looking at all sides of it. We've disagreed, but again, I know she questions because she loves me, its the same situation back. We have a more dynamic relationship than other people seem to understand, we're friends, not just family. __________________ Addicts may suck dick for coke, but love came up with the idea to put a dick in there to begin with. -Jack O'Brien

10-05-2009, 09:35 PM	#30
disenchanted Resident President Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 81	Clearly I am not the person to tell anyone about engagements, but my two cents is to be clear to her about your concerns, advise her to consider a long engagement, and let her know that you'll watch her back whether things go good or bad.

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