The turkey shot out of the oven . . .

[Urbane Guerrilla]

Now that Thankful Turkey Day is done, we can deploy this sort of thing without getting hit over the head with the shank end of a Christmas ham by holiday purists:

I yust go nuts at Christmas
On that yolly holiday
I go in de red like a knucklehead
'Cause I sqvander all my pay

I yust go nuts at Christmas
Shopping sure drifes me berserk
On the day before I rush in the store
Like a poor bevildered yerk

I look at nightgowns for my vife
The black ones trimmed in red
But I don't know her size and so
She gets a carpet sveeper instead

Oh I yust go nuts at Christmas
When the kids hang up their socks
It's time for the kids to flip their lids
While der Papa goes in hock

********** (recitative)

It's the night before Christmas
It's still in the house
The family's all sleeping
So I'm qviet like a mouse

I look at my vatch
And midnight is near --
I think I slip out
For a qvick glass of beer

Down at the corner
The crowd is so merry
I vind up drinking
About twelve Tom & Yerries...

I'm late to my bed
Oh gee vhiz how I'm sleeping
Ven onto the bed those darn kids they come leaping
They sit on my face, they yump on my belly
I'm qvivering all over like a bowl full of yelly

They shcream "Merry Christmas!!" my poor vife and me
Ve stumble downstairs and she plugs in the tree
My head it's exploding, my mouth tastes like a pickle --
I step on a skate and fall on a tricycle.

Yust before Christmas dinner, I'm relaxed, to a point --
Und that's vhen the relatives start swarming the yoint
On Christmas I hug and I kiss my vife's mother
The rest of the year, ve don't speak to each other

After dinner my aunt and my vife's Uncle Louie
They get in an argument -- they're both awful screwy --
Then Louie's relations say Louie is right
Then my doofy relatives they yump in the fight

Over in the corner the radio's playing
And over the racket Bill O'Reilly is saying,
"Peace on Earth everybody, and good vill toward men,"
And yust at that moment -- Pow! -- somevun slugs Uncle Ben!

They all run outside vhooping for the neighbors to hear! [sob!]
I'm so glad Merry Christmas comes only yust vunce a year!

**********(tune 1)

Oh I yust go nuts at Christmas
But I still have lots of fun
Yust the same as you, I enyoy it too....
Merry Christmas every vun!

-- this is about how I rendered Yogi Yorgesson's perennial hit for a Christmas play a while back.