Divorce

DanaC · 08-04-2007, 11:30 AM

Well done, Deuce, I get the sense you just crossed the first of a series of hurdles. Your lawyer is more thn likely advising you right on not picking up the phone.

Short anecdote: a friend of mine, Ash, went through a divorce. His wife's idea. They were doing it without lawyers at first (though actually, she had sought legal advice without telling him), and she showed great concern for his welfare during the first few weeks, phoned him to see he was okay, was really good about access and stuff.....by the time she'd persuaded him to agree to the most appalling terms of divorce and maintenance, we'd (his friends) begun to spot a pattern and advised him to get a solcitor to act on his behalf. She went nuts, started trying to mess with his access rights, said he was violent, a bully etc etc, the whole works. Fortunately his solicitor was able to get him through it all, with decent access to his boys and maintenance payments that took account of both their incomes.

I'm not saying your wife is anything like Ash's wife...but the point is, he still loved her and that meant when they were 'doing it without solicitors' he was not acting adversarially towards her; she meanwhile was acting in an adversarial way towards him, because they were in fact in an adversarial situation.

Your wife has indicated behaviourally (I think, but this is just my opinion) that she is treating this divorce in an entirely adversarial way. You are on opposing sides here. You must remember that. Don't be fooled by your feelings into dropping your defenses, because your opponent may use that against you.

It's shit and it hurts, and many of my closest friends have been through it. I was fortunate that when my relationship ended we were co-habiting, rather than married and had no kids to think about. It was still shit and hurtful and traumatic and that was with us being friendly about it. Having to deal with all this other stuff as well must be so hard.

Hang in there mate. Now is not the time to be friends. It's not the time to be enemies either...but it really isn't a time for being friends. Be selfish to the extent that you protect yourself. You are a father, and obviously you want to provide for your children, but that does not mean you deserve to come away with nothing. Protect yourself. Don't let her (with or without intent) persuade you to act against your own interests.

Shawnee123 · 08-04-2007, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DanaC

Your wife has indicated behaviourally (I think, but this is just my opinion) that she is treating this divorce in an entirely adversarial way. You are on opposing sides here. You must remember that. Don't be fooled by your feelings into dropping your defenses, because your opponent may use that against you.

Very good point, DanaC.
Hang in there deuce. You will get through this and come out on the other side.

08-04-2007, 11:30 AM	#1
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	Well done, Deuce, I get the sense you just crossed the first of a series of hurdles. Your lawyer is more thn likely advising you right on not picking up the phone. Short anecdote: a friend of mine, Ash, went through a divorce. His wife's idea. They were doing it without lawyers at first (though actually, she had sought legal advice without telling him), and she showed great concern for his welfare during the first few weeks, phoned him to see he was okay, was really good about access and stuff.....by the time she'd persuaded him to agree to the most appalling terms of divorce and maintenance, we'd (his friends) begun to spot a pattern and advised him to get a solcitor to act on his behalf. She went nuts, started trying to mess with his access rights, said he was violent, a bully etc etc, the whole works. Fortunately his solicitor was able to get him through it all, with decent access to his boys and maintenance payments that took account of both their incomes. I'm not saying your wife is anything like Ash's wife...but the point is, he still loved her and that meant when they were 'doing it without solicitors' he was not acting adversarially towards her; she meanwhile was acting in an adversarial way towards him, because they were in fact in an adversarial situation. Your wife has indicated behaviourally (I think, but this is just my opinion) that she is treating this divorce in an entirely adversarial way. You are on opposing sides here. You must remember that. Don't be fooled by your feelings into dropping your defenses, because your opponent may use that against you. It's shit and it hurts, and many of my closest friends have been through it. I was fortunate that when my relationship ended we were co-habiting, rather than married and had no kids to think about. It was still shit and hurtful and traumatic and that was with us being friendly about it. Having to deal with all this other stuff as well must be so hard. Hang in there mate. Now is not the time to be friends. It's not the time to be enemies either...but it really isn't a time for being friends. Be selfish to the extent that you protect yourself. You are a father, and obviously you want to provide for your children, but that does not mean you deserve to come away with nothing. Protect yourself. Don't let her (with or without intent) persuade you to act against your own interests.

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