I did it again

[anonymous]

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I currently do not have time or money for therapy or counseling but we will see in the future.

To the posters wondering, I did not have problems of abuse in the past, physical abuse. As a kid my dad occasionally insulted me and aggressively backed me into walls (it wasn't pushing though, but it wasn't gentle). My mother gave me hour or longer lectures for my punishments. But the reason why I told her to leave me if I was ever physical is because I personally find it cowardly and unworthy of a man to treat a woman that way, not because I was a victim or knew victims. Moral value.

I guess I will elaborate. Part of my pent up anger that explodes in violence I have recently thought to be the cause of my mother's lectures, for hours. I never responded, because whatever I said was wrong, so why bother having a discussion. I am thinking that built up so much that now in a very serious relationship I explode with it, because it's my turn.

I know I am a pretty good lecturer too which is unfortunate because I don't want to be like my mother in that aspect. Also, it is a horrible way to express myself but I do get violent when extremely angry. Scary violent. Unfortunately, today was the worst of recent memory. Sorry, I will not share the story again because I personally do not like to give strangers this much personal information. But today we were in the car and I was fuming. I threw everything in my front seat out the door (we were parked), my coke can, my soy sauce from dinner, the spoon from the grocery store. My iPod radio tuner (attatched to the cig lighter unfortunately) also was destroyed by me--I banged it repeatedly against the steering wheel. I know, I do have an anger problem, obviously. She thinks it might be the medication I am taking, which has known to cause suicidal thoughts or depression which I have not had although. My driver's seat window also was punched thrice---that was the best feeling I had in that situation. It felt damn good.

She was very scared. But I did not touch her. And we parted ways for an hour for our own reasons then met up briefly. She forgave me and went about her business and really acted like it was not a big deal, which I thank her for because it was a ludicrous outrage.

Aft rereading this post I see that I basically started going somewhere with an idea but had no idea how to conclude it and now everyone has even more questions I bet. Sorry.

I do have major anger problems. I guess why I started this thread was because I pray everyday it does not turn into what it could. I know the first thing people are going to say when they read this, but I honestly am in no situation to give up time to counseling or therapy or spend my dividends on it. What I can only do is internalize the feelings and keep my head on. Right?

[anon2]

Originally Posted by anonymous

I currently do not have time or money for therapy or counseling but we will see in the future.

My driver's seat window also was punched thrice---that was the best feeling I had in that situation. It felt damn good.

She was very scared. But I did not touch her.

I do have major anger problems. ... I honestly am in no situation to give up time to counseling or therapy or spend my dividends on it. What I can only do is internalize the feelings and keep my head on. Right?

Anon, do you see your pattern of violence escalating in the three incidents you've recounted? You didn't touch her this time, but you've moved from pushing her, grabbing/shaking her, to destroying objects and punching windows in her presence and being, in your own words, 'scary violent'. And the scary violence 'felt damn good'. You seem to think/hope that being violent around your s.o. is not too bad as long as you don't touch her. Not so. The violence is still intimidation of her. It says, 'Look what happens when I get angry. Don't even think of making me angry.'

Your continued rationalization makes me worried for your s.o. Step by step, like the frog sitting in a pan of water on a stove, you're explaining away unacceptable behavior. Everything is a choice, including whether you give up time and dividends to get counseling. Please make the choice before a court makes it for you and you lose important things in your life. Good luck to both of you.

[yesman065]

Originally Posted by anonymous

Thank you for the replies everyone.

I currently do not have time or money for therapy or counseling but we will see in the future.

I personally find it cowardly and unworthy of a man to treat a woman that way, not because I was a victim or knew victims. Moral value.

~~ explodes in violence ~~~my mother's lectures, for hours. I explode with it, because it's my turn.
I know I am a pretty good lecturer too ~~~ I don't want to be like my mother ~ I do get violent when extremely angry. Scary violent. today was the worst of recent memory. Sorry, I will not share the story again because I personally do not like to give strangers this much personal information. (Blah blah blah 4 lines)

I do have an anger problem.

medication I am taking, ~~ cause suicidal thoughts or depression
She was very scared. But I did not touch her. She forgave me ~it was a ludicrous outrage.

now everyone has even more questions I bet. Sorry.

I do have major anger problems. no time to counseling or therapy or spend ~ on it. What I can only do is internalize the feelings and keep my head on. Right?

Freakin A - NOOOOOOOO internalizing is part. . . - OMG

My BS meter is pinned out - All I heard was Sorry sorry sorry - she forgave me so its ok . . . Moms fault - worst day ever - I'm violent but I'm ok...Oh by the way I'm on some serious medication - well duh! Lets start with THAT DOC - he might know. Other than that, I only have one question - why am I bothering with you - You recognize a problem (sort of) justify it (completely) then when help is offered - decline. I'll just say good luck to you and I hope she gets as far away from you as she can before you really hurt her. Harsh? maybe, but true.