Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa, when It suddenly had a malfunction and went down.
A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane and found the wreckage but were unable to locate the crew.
They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals, so they walked up to the chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The chief says, "Yeah".
When asked where the crew was the chief replied, "We ate the crew and drank the Pepsi", which shocked the rescue crew.
One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi".
After looking totally perplexed for a minute a third added,
"Did you...you know... eat their.... things"?
The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers.
"NO", replied the chief, "THINGS go better with COKE!"

[jester]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to
rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow
and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind
schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the
two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really
beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She
has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles.

The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to sew the little package Between Elmo's
legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood me yesterday.

Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

[xoxoxoBruce]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo (the huntchback of Notre Dame) said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says. "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell

[jester]

uh guh guh guh (think popeye)

[jester]

FUNERAL PROCESSION:

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee
when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse,
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a
solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back,
were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and
I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the
two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"




"Get in line."