Jealousy, trust, and diaries - Page 4

Predicament · 04-09-2007, 12:11 AM

And this reply is more aimed at rkz...

She hit me with an interesting snippet this weekend. Basically, one thing I believe is that in the wrong situation anyone can cheat. Everything in life is a chain of events which you can control at any point. Imagine...
- A non-cheating husband hires a super-hot secretary
- His marriage hits a rough spot and he decides to ignore the problem
- He starts innocently confiding in his secretary, nothing too serious
- Secretary start showing him attention and he doesn't stop the behavior
- Months later at an out-of-town conference they get a drink at the bar
- They both drink too much, decide to take a trip to the hot-tub...

And bam, next thing you know somebody who thought he'd never cheat is suddenly shagging his secretary. The key is to recognize what path you are on, and to choose if you want to accept the consequences. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're trying to say "no" as you're walking to the hot-tub with a young hottie while you're in a drunken stupor. Stop it earlier.

Well, my SO hit me with an interesting perspective. She takes it a step further. Basically, if you stop every situation where it could even lead to an eventual attraction, then you don't have to worry about fidelity since there's never an opportunity to break it.

Interesting perspective. I don't particularly agree with it because then you get into a sticky situation where one partner eventually feels chained in by the exhaustive rules of the other person, until they finally resent them.

The basic reply is that relationships are built on TRUST. Everyone has heard that saying before. I don't recall anyone ever saying relationships are built on RULES.

While you *can* build an elaborate system of rules for behavior intended to keep the other person in line, I'd argue that RULES should be personal rules enforced by each individual, and that each person should TRUST the other to operate within their own rules.

One example is that the husband may not be comfortable taking a female co-worker out for a round of golf, but the wife may have no compunctions taking out a male co-worker for an occasional round of tennis.

The husband may be uncomfortable by his wife's decision, but it's his responsibility to trust HER rules, and not to try to enforce his own rules. Again, this goes back to accepting the consequences of your decisions. If you continually enforce rules on your partner, how many rules can they bear until you're viewed as oppressive?

04-09-2007, 12:37 AM

Rules are about trust... otherwise why does one not get chipped so she can track their ass all the time? Set intervals where they call in every so many minuets? I know people who are in those kind of co-dependent relationships and they are NOT based in love.
Anyone can choose to cheat... that line is crossed by that individual when they choose to in the "scenario" of their choice.
I was an actor and my wife is a professional who has many male clients and friends, travels all the time. She loves her job and I am glad for it. Just part of who she is, if she was not her own individual I would not want to be with her.
You are right, I have been giving my, personal, opinions.
If you disagree and think you can "monitor" someone into fidelity, fine, go for it. I think it is a fool's errand and would rather have them cheat and get the relationship over-with so I can be with someone trust-worthy sooner, than spend more time with the person who was going to cheat on me.
Ooooor... perhaps my constant mistrust and nagging, instead of getting to know them and making them feel loved, trusted, befriended, unalone, happy and comfortable in the relationship and life drove them to look for comfort in another's arms while still in the relationship with me? Hmmmmm?

limey · 04-09-2007, 02:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by freshnesschronic

... See if she's on page 4 of the courtship guide, not page 1, trying to find dirt on you. ...

"Trying to find dirt on you" is NOT in the courtship guide!

DucksNuts · 04-09-2007, 05:29 AM

Jealousy is an awful, awful emotion, that stems from insecurity.

I'm a jealous person, but I have learned that its my problem, its an insecurity problem and I can usually deal with it.

Your gf kinda takes *insecure* to a new level, if its something you want to work on - fine....but she has to realise she has a serious problem and want to deal with it.

Figuring out your password was the proverbial straw and I think you have been more than super patient about the whole thing.

I have no advice that hasnt already been given (x 10), but I wish you luck and I (think) admire your dedication to love

freshnesschronic · 04-09-2007, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by limey

"Trying to find dirt on you" is NOT in the courtship guide!

Ehh, well maybe not specifically but indirectly it happens.
Not like intently digging up and attempting to find dirt, but to at least understand the past and what has happened with one's past relationships.

It'd be a rude awakening to get pretty serious then to have her find out "YOU had a thing for Heather? Why because she has bigger boobs than me?"

And you're like

I'd say page 1 of the courtship guide contains "be aware of past their past excursions."

footfootfoot · 04-09-2007, 09:28 PM

I was dreaming of the past.
And my heart was beating fast,
I began to lose control,
I began to lose control,

I didn't mean to hurt you,
I'm sorry that I mad you cry,
I didn't want to hurt you,
I'm just a jealous guy,

I was feeling insecure,
You night not love me any more,

I was shivering inside,
I was shivering inside,

I was trying to catch your eyes,
Thought that you were trying to hide,
I was swallowing my pain,
I was swallowing my pain.

kerosene · 04-10-2007, 08:25 PM

Question for Predicament: Do you trust yourself?

I also wanted to mention that it sounds like there isn't much respect in the relationship. Perhaps some clear boundaries need to be made.

The woman you are with sounds almost exactly like my husband's ex. That is the reason she is his ex. It didn't end well.

Madman · 04-11-2007, 02:23 PM

Jealousy... brings back bad, real bad, memories. Painful memories.

I only have one recommendation - RUN!

Jealous people are never cured of jealousy. Jealous people are miserable and they WILL make you miserable. If you think you can help them "FIX" or control their jealousy problem - you can't!

A little jealousy is normal. This girl you described HAS an issue - a very serious issue.

Look at it this way. Six billion people on this planet. Half are women. That woman is one out of three billion. We are all human, we all have one issue or another, the idea is to find someone that will make you happy and vice versa. This woman doesn't appear to make you very happy.

Your choice... Do you want to spend the next 25 years with her or is she THAT good?

04-09-2007, 09:28 PM	#51
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	I was dreaming of the past. And my heart was beating fast, I began to lose control, I began to lose control, I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I mad you cry, I didn't want to hurt you, I'm just a jealous guy, I was feeling insecure, You night not love me any more, I was shivering inside, I was shivering inside, I was trying to catch your eyes, Thought that you were trying to hide, I was swallowing my pain, I was swallowing my pain. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

04-09-2007, 12:11 AM	#46
Predicament Questionist Join Date: May 2003 Posts: 8	And this reply is more aimed at rkz... She hit me with an interesting snippet this weekend. Basically, one thing I believe is that in the wrong situation anyone can cheat. Everything in life is a chain of events which you can control at any point. Imagine... - A non-cheating husband hires a super-hot secretary - His marriage hits a rough spot and he decides to ignore the problem - He starts innocently confiding in his secretary, nothing too serious - Secretary start showing him attention and he doesn't stop the behavior - Months later at an out-of-town conference they get a drink at the bar - They both drink too much, decide to take a trip to the hot-tub... And bam, next thing you know somebody who thought he'd never cheat is suddenly shagging his secretary. The key is to recognize what path you are on, and to choose if you want to accept the consequences. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're trying to say "no" as you're walking to the hot-tub with a young hottie while you're in a drunken stupor. Stop it earlier. Well, my SO hit me with an interesting perspective. She takes it a step further. Basically, if you stop every situation where it could even lead to an eventual attraction, then you don't have to worry about fidelity since there's never an opportunity to break it. Interesting perspective. I don't particularly agree with it because then you get into a sticky situation where one partner eventually feels chained in by the exhaustive rules of the other person, until they finally resent them. The basic reply is that relationships are built on TRUST. Everyone has heard that saying before. I don't recall anyone ever saying relationships are built on RULES. While you can build an elaborate system of rules for behavior intended to keep the other person in line, I'd argue that RULES should be personal rules enforced by each individual, and that each person should TRUST the other to operate within their own rules. One example is that the husband may not be comfortable taking a female co-worker out for a round of golf, but the wife may have no compunctions taking out a male co-worker for an occasional round of tennis. The husband may be uncomfortable by his wife's decision, but it's his responsibility to trust HER rules, and not to try to enforce his own rules. Again, this goes back to accepting the consequences of your decisions. If you continually enforce rules on your partner, how many rules can they bear until you're viewed as oppressive?

04-09-2007, 12:37 AM	#47
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Rules are about trust... otherwise why does one not get chipped so she can track their ass all the time? Set intervals where they call in every so many minuets? I know people who are in those kind of co-dependent relationships and they are NOT based in love. Anyone can choose to cheat... that line is crossed by that individual when they choose to in the "scenario" of their choice. I was an actor and my wife is a professional who has many male clients and friends, travels all the time. She loves her job and I am glad for it. Just part of who she is, if she was not her own individual I would not want to be with her. You are right, I have been giving my, personal, opinions. If you disagree and think you can "monitor" someone into fidelity, fine, go for it. I think it is a fool's errand and would rather have them cheat and get the relationship over-with so I can be with someone trust-worthy sooner, than spend more time with the person who was going to cheat on me. Ooooor... perhaps my constant mistrust and nagging, instead of getting to know them and making them feel loved, trusted, befriended, unalone, happy and comfortable in the relationship and life drove them to look for comfort in another's arms while still in the relationship with me? Hmmmmm?

04-09-2007, 05:29 AM	#49
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	Jealousy is an awful, awful emotion, that stems from insecurity. I'm a jealous person, but I have learned that its my problem, its an insecurity problem and I can usually deal with it. Your gf kinda takes insecure to a new level, if its something you want to work on - fine....but she has to realise she has a serious problem and want to deal with it. Figuring out your password was the proverbial straw and I think you have been more than super patient about the whole thing. I have no advice that hasnt already been given (x 10), but I wish you luck and I (think) admire your dedication to love

04-10-2007, 08:25 PM	#52
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	Question for Predicament: Do you trust yourself? I also wanted to mention that it sounds like there isn't much respect in the relationship. Perhaps some clear boundaries need to be made. The woman you are with sounds almost exactly like my husband's ex. That is the reason she is his ex. It didn't end well.

04-11-2007, 02:23 PM	#53
Madman has left the building. Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 455	Jealousy... brings back bad, *real bad, memories. Painful memories. I only have one recommendation - RUN! Jealous people are never cured of jealousy. Jealous people are miserable and they WILL make you miserable. If you think you can help them "FIX" or control their jealousy problem - you can't! A little jealousy is normal. This girl you described HAS an issue - a very serious issue. Look at it this way. Six billion people on this planet. Half are women. That woman is one out of three billion. We are all human, we all have one issue or another, the idea is to find someone that will make you happy and vice versa. This woman doesn't appear to make you very happy. Your choice... Do you want to spend the next 25 years with her or is she THAT* good?

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