Humor...I Need Humor...

[Happy Monkey]

[xoxoxoBruce]

Michael Jackson Wants to Be Startin’ Something
The King of Pop makes his first foray into electoral politics.

Oct. 3, 2006 - In a stunning development that could radically alter the electoral landscape in the upcoming midterm congressional elections, the singer Michael Jackson announced today that he would run for the seat vacated last Friday by former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.).

Jackson told reporters that he had never shown much interest in politics before, but added, "When I started reading about Mark Foley, I realized that the House of Representatives was my kind of place."
The platinum-selling recording artist drew big crowds in his first day of campaigning, delighting onlookers in Orlando by getting out of his limo and dancing on its roof.
But in one regrettable gaffe for the novice politician, Jackson kissed a baby in Daytona Beach and then dangled the child from a hotel balcony.
"My bad," Jackson later said.

House Republicans expressed muted support for Jackson's election bid, with Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert saying that he knew of nothing in the singer's past that would prevent him from serving ably in the House.
"Michael Jackson has done a lot of positive things, especially in the field of mentoring," Hastert said.

According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the entertainment scene, transforming himself from King of Pop to congressman from Florida could prove to be a shrewd image makeover for the tabloid-ready Jackson.
"In the outside world, Michael Jackson seems weird and maybe even a freak," Schlantz said. "But once he's in Congress he'll seem perfectly normal."

Elsewhere:
In Stockholm, the Nobel Prize in chemistry was awarded to Barry Bonds.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Avast! Ye Scurvy Gentlemen
In new poll on ethics, the public ranks Congress lower than pirates.

Oct. 10, 2006 - In a troubling sign for the upcoming midterm elections, a new poll released today indicates that the public for the first time ranks congressmen lower than pirates in terms of ethical behavior.

The survey, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute and asked likely voters to rate 100 professions according to their ethics, showed congressmen near the bottom of the list, only ranking higher than crack dealers and lawyers.

Worse was the fact that pirates, who have not fared well in earlier incarnations of the ethics poll, were considered twice as trustworthy as members of Congress, a finding that sends an alarming message to lawmakers seeing reelection this November.

"Pirates received consistently higher marks than congressmen in this survey," said Crandall Pritchard, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota. "We heard comments like, 'Sure, pirates make people walk the plank and will slit their throats for a doubloon, but at least they would keep their hands off congressional pages.'"

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, under fire of late because of the congressional page scandal, said that the poll showing that pirates are more ethical than congressmen is much ado about nothing: "I don't think this reflects the unpopularity of Congress so much as it reflects the surging popularity of pirates."

But House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) had a more sober assessment: "Arggh!"

[xoxoxoBruce]

White House Courts the Amnesia Vote
Rove masterminds the GOP's latest electoral strategy.

Oct. 24, 2006 - A man who found himself in Denver with absolutely no memory of who he was or how he got there has now found himself at the epicenter of the midterm election campaign, as the White House moved aggressively today to court his vote.

The amnesia victim, who was known only as "Al" and could not recall any recent events, was instantly pegged as an "ideal voter" by GOP political strategist Karl Rove, who flew the man to Washington today for a private meeting with President Bush in the White House.

"Here's a guy who has no memory of Iraq, Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff or Mark Foley," Rove told reporters today. "From where I sit, I think we have a chance at getting this guy's vote."

According to White House aides, the amnesia victim's meeting with the president went well, and was capped by Bush presenting him with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
"The guy didn't seem to know exactly why he was getting it," one aide said. "But then again, the same could be said of a lot of past recipients."

Rove said that given the president's success with "Al," the White House was currently putting together a national database of amnesia victims to help get them to the polls on Nov. 7.

"Our message to the amnesiacs is clear," Rove said. "You may not remember anything else, but please remember to vote."

Elsewhere:
A new Labor Department study shows that Americans with no skills, talents or job prospects will eventually wind up on "Dancing With the Stars."