Religion and relationships

[shalini]

I found the cellar a few days ago looking for answers to my computer problems and I got to lookin around at what else there was here .. and found how so many people have disucssed thier troubles/concerns here for advice. Well I have a issue of my own that I would like some outside prespective of and I thought that this would be a great place for just that. Its gonna be long so bare with me.

I started talkin to this guy I liked at work, and its been about 9 months since the beginning of real conversations. After about 5 months of hanging out (alone and with friends) and talkin on the phone for hours almost every night, I told him that I had really started to like him more than a friend and he acknowledged the same feelings but there was something preventing him from going any further with this relationship. He told me I wouldn't understand ..

A week goes by and we are able to talk face to face this time and I asked him to explain to me what his reasoning was. He tells me that he wants to date for marriage (I am not opposed to that) but that he wants someone that is Christian like him. I, obviously, am not Christian. He believes that only Christians will go to Heavean and he would only want to marry someone that would go to Heavean with him after death. However, after all that, we give each other a hug and a hug turns into a kiss which turns into more kisses. Nothing else happens that night and we both go to our respective homes.

The following week, we talked about what had happened that night. Nothing much came out of it. I think we both were expecting closure but it didn't happen. I told him that religion is not a big deal to me so that it was ultimately his decision as to what would happen. He told me that he really wanted to be with me on one hand but that what he had said about his faith and how things would work once we had a family and such would still matter in the long run to him. Thus not giving a definite answer.

Four months later .. our relationship has advanced to where we act as a couple, when we are alone. If his friends knew about us, they would force him not to see me again. I also agreed to go away with him for a weekend, where he told me he "loved me" for the first time. I too, I love him. I have not connected, like this, so well with a guy before. Sometimes the topic comes up where he should not be with me or that we should stop acting as a couple between each other .. because that is what will eventually happen. But each time, we both cry and get sad and don't want to lose the other so we ignore reality for a little longer.

He is going out of country for work in the next month, and will be gone for one maybe even two years. So really when we are ignoring reality, we (I) are (am) looking at it as a few more months to live it well and be happy with this guy for as long as I can. Let the future bring what it may..

The spiritual connection is the only thing that divides this drift between us. He hesitates when bringing up stuff that he is doing for church. And I guess he grows distant when he is engrossed in his spiritual activities. I remember being on the phone with him for 10-15 minutes in silence, yet not hanging up because we wanted the presence of the other person still. The silence is not because we were fighting .. just because he didn't have anything to say at that time and because it felt akward neither did I. These kinds of conversations occur during the weekend after he goes to church or after Bible study.

I'm not sure what to do .. even though he is going away we have set up alternate ways of communication. We each have invested in web cams and settup ways to talk online. Should I continue to just live happily till it lasts? Or should I let the distance and time make its rifts between us?

I guess the extreme action would be considering converting to Christianity. I don't think I'm ready to take that action at all. I'm not that religious in the first place, and I've tried so hard to create my own understanding of God and supreme power, that I'm not sure that I can easily accept another's views.

Any advice would help .. my mind is tangled and fighting a battle of logic vs. heart.

Thanks!

[wolf]

That is not an easy one, to be sure.

My boyfriend is a strongly committed Christian.

I am not. I'm not even one part of one of the "big three" (Abrahamic) religions. I am Pagan.

He, however, knows and accepts this. In fact, we end up having a lot of interesting discussions based on this. We do share a lot of other commonalities, and our relationship is more so based on that. He knows I won't try to convert him, he won't try to convert me. Not everybody is capable of that level of understanding. Converting is something that should be a matter of belief, not just for the sake of a relationship ... a life choice, like a religion, is a very personal thing.

The physical distance that you are facing is also going to put a major strain on your relationship.

Good luck with this, to be sure.

[Clodfobble]

Deep down inside, he is desperately hoping you'll convert. And you are hoping he'll decide he's able to accept a non-Christian wife. If a little of both were to happen, you might actually have a chance at long-term success. And believe it or not, a little of both is possible: before my husband and I were married, we too struggled with differing faiths (or more precisely, his definitive and strong Christian faith, and my more nebulous beliefs in God but complete and utter distaste for any organized religion.)

He, too, thought before he met me that he couldn't marry a woman who wasn't devoutly Christian, and I thought I couldn't marry a man who supported an organization responsible for some of the most horrifically intolerant people I had met in my life. But it was apparent we wanted to marry each other. So we had a very long, hard talk about what precisely we actually needed and what we only thought we'd always needed.

For example, I needed his reassurance that he did not in any way support the intolerance or bigotry that is often associated with fundamentalist Christians. For example, deep in his heart he might believe that my gay roommate was going to hell, but he also must believe that his own sins were just as bad in the eyes of God, and he was in no position to judge, ever. In turn, he could accept that my faith was not as definitively Biblical as his was, but we and our children would attend church as a family--as long as we chose the church together, and we openly discussed the "trickier" topics as they inevitably came up, and he never tried to tell the children that when it came down to it he was right and I was wrong. Also, should our children ultimately choose a differing faith as they became adults, we would always support them in it.

It may be that the year or two apart will be what you need to help you sever a doomed relationship. Or it may be that the two of you can successfully compromise your lifestyles to accomodate each other without compromising your beliefs. Only you can know for sure. But I can tell you that if you're both willing, it can definitely be done.

[Pie]

CF:

[xoxoxoBruce]

I suggest you have him talk to some guys that have been married for 30 or 40 years and ask them if they really want to spend eternity with their wives.

Oh, and welcome to the Cellar shalini.

My wife is a Christian, raised a Baptist (Freewill at that). I am not a Christian, I am a Buddhist... an atheist really.
We are in our seventieth year together and have a three-year-old son.
It has not been a problem, at all. I don't see why it would, but she is a real Christian.

I don't see why the trip would cause a rift... please explain further.

[9th Engineer]

Seventieth or seventeenth? The mention of a three year-old son says that HAS to be a typo (I'll draw on the biological argument for this and put the jokes aside)

[shalini]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

So we had a very long, hard talk about what precisely we actually needed and what we only thought we'd always needed.

I'm not so sure that this is going to be an easy answer. By birth I am a Hindu. I like you do not really like organized religions because they have come to cause much violence in the world in the name of faith. To me, religion is a way to teach people "right" from "wrong", to believe in goodness and oneself. I'm not sure that I'm describing what I believe accurately .. So there is gonna be lots of differences and issues that would come up.

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

In turn, he could accept that my faith was not as definitively Biblical as his was, but we and our children would attend church as a family--as long as we chose the church together, and we openly discussed the "trickier" topics as they inevitably came up, and he never tried to tell the children that when it came down to it he was right and I was wrong. Also, should our children ultimately choose a differing faith as they became adults, we would always support them in it.

First of all, he is a converted Christian .. from Islam. So I'm not sure how that would changes things too. He had told me earlier on that he could never see himself even stepping inside a temple, even if I think its fine. And that he would definitely like to push his kids towards the "right" direction in terms of religion. So I'm not sure how willing to comprimise he will be but I guess only time will tell ..

I'm hoping that these years apart will bring out what is really there as issues and commitment. Thanks for your advice Clodfobble!

[shalini]

haha in the Hindu religion you're stuck with your wife for seven lives! Can't beat that!

Thanks for the welcome

[shalini]

Originally Posted by wolf

Not everybody is capable of that level of understanding. Converting is something that should be a matter of belief, not just for the sake of a relationship ... a life choice, like a religion, is a very personal thing.

I agree with you completely! Converting cannot be forced upon someone. And I don't believe I can change so much. I don't think I should have to either. Thanks for the advice, wolf!

Originally Posted by 9th Engineer

Seventieth or seventeenth? The mention of a three year-old son says that HAS to be a typo (I'll draw on the biological argument for this and put the jokes aside)

Seventeenth.
My son is three.

[shalini]

If you don't mind me asking .. how do you manage things between your wife and yourself in terms of religion and how the house is run? What religion will your son be picking and how, if you have talked about this with your wife.

The trip is a concern because then it because an exceptionally long distance relationship (he's going to the Middle East) .. and that usually brings out the worst in relationship .. as I have seen with my friends.

Doesn't someone pick their own religion?
Since I don't have one, the religion he will know the most will be my wife's. Though he will be exposed to Buddhism just as much, it is not a religion.
However, I study religion, so he will be exposed to discussions to all of them.
He is currently in a Methodist school because that is the best pre-school in this area.
Young adults taught to think for themselves pick the religion, spiritual path, lack of one, that suits them best, when the time comes... I'm not worried about it.

[Iggy]

I have this same problem with my boyfriend, only I am the christian and he is agnostic. We have had many discussions about religion, and usually I end up frustrated because I can't seem to find the words to discuss what I believe. Part of the problem is that I was raised a christian, I didn't really decide to be it. I just always believed because my family believed so there is still much I need to learn about it to be really sure that it is what I believe.

I usually agree with most christians, but I have issues with some of what is believed in the faith. So maybe I am not actually christian but that is the closest to what I do believe. It is so confusing that I don't know how to tell him about it. He wants definitive explainations why christians believe certain things, and I can't give him that. I just know that is what I was taught. That is the major reason I don't discount our differences. If I don't really know why I believe what I believe, then how can I tell him he should believe the same too?

I know this makes me seem really fake and superficial and I am trying to remedy that. But I find it hard to believe that everyone who isn't Christian will go to hell. I just don't know what to think sometimes. I just need time and a better education into my religion, and then I will know what I believe.

So obviously I can't help you out... I am just as confused. Only I know I want to marry my boyfriend. I just hope that my beliefs won't hurt us in the long run.

Originally Posted by shalini

If you don't mind me asking .. how do you manage things between your wife and yourself in terms of religion and how the house is run? What religion will your son be picking and how, if you have talked about this with your wife.

The trip is a concern because then it because an exceptionally long distance relationship (he's going to the Middle East) .. and that usually brings out the worst in relationship .. as I have seen with my friends.

Do you mind me asking what you wanted to know in more detail... you cannot offend me, seriously.
As for the house, we are partners, equals, but I am pretty passive when it comes to the religion thing because of how sure I am that he will make-up his own mind and her promise that we will openly discuss all faiths with him as he asks, even though she will tell him clearly of her beliefs and me of mine.