Whine, whine, a little bit of cheese, more whine

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by AlternateGray

.. I don't suppose there's membership card for this club, is there? (Oh, wait! There is... Divorce papers .)

Yes. you also get Self-Esteem Papers! Much, MUCH harder to get, but worth it. I have felt very disheartened and sad--but I know and I remind myself that things ALWAYS change (change is a constant you can count on) and that i will feel better (maybe even GOOD!) eventually!

Lots of good women would love to have you, sweetie. Honest.

Man, AG, been there, done that, got the T-shirt and threw it in the trash. Its not only women who use men, men CAN use women, too. I got played around on, used, my money stolen, you name it, by my previous sweetie whom I now fondly call the ax murderer. I, too, thought, "Oh, he's different. It just LOOKS like he's doing all this stuff, but, really, he isn't." Yeah, right.

I'm an Army brat, myself. My dad was career Army and retired after 30 years service to his country with the rank of E9. I loved my Dad so much. When he was in 'Nam (TWO tours), I lived letter to letter, knowing that he had been alive 10 days before when the letter was mailed, and anxiously watching the nightly news for some hint of his fate. The nightly news terrified me, but I was glued to the TV every evening when it came on.

My Mom couldn't have cared less. She was PO'ed with my Dad because he wasn't in the officer ranks. I know my Mom hung around for the security a military career can provide and she didn't mind the seperations anywhere near as much as I did.

My heart goes out to you friend. USA! USA! USA! Go Army! I wish you well.

- Mari

[xoxoxoBruce]

It sounds like you've got it pretty well sorted out in your head. Good luck, man....we'll be here.

[lookout123]

Wow, AG. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Your details are different but your story isn't that terribly different from mine, I'm afraid. We're behind you.

[yesman065]

Wow! Just wow. I feel like you wrote a lot of how I've felt for the last 10+ years of my marriage. Its amazing to me that we, seemingly intelligent people can continue to fall into same situations and deny what we know is the truth for so long after the realization of it. Why is that???? We justify all the BS that these people put us through and make excuses for THEIR behavior, yet the facts don't change - only the circumstances. Once out of the insanity, the light shines brightly. Hang tight, my friend, there are many who support you both personally and professionally. Personally, I can't thank you enough for what you are doing over there!

*still sending mucho loving and healing energy*

[AlternateGray]

Thanks, rkz.
I can't say things are resolved one way or the other. She has agreed to go to marriage counseling. As a matter of fact, she agreed to do whatever is necessary for me to feel comfortable and happy in this relationship, which threw me off. This is not her customary response. Ok, this has never been her response. I don't know. I think it's far too soon to say for sure what's going to come out of this until we get down to the nitty gritty details of our issues. Not something that's feasible while I'm here.

Anger is still there. Lack of trust, still there. I think the only thing that may eventually help is counseling.

I know she's been diagnosed as having a borderline personality disorder; she says her understanding of the disorder has helped her to improve her behavior over the years. I'm familiar with the symptoms, but a deeper understanding of this might help us to resolve some things. She's not off the hook, though, I don't care how crazy she is. (Kidding). If it really is the cause for some of her totally contradictive behavior during the first few years of our relationship... who knows.

I just need to be patient and wait a few more months. I take leave in a couple weeks, but I don't see us getting elbows-deep in the mess until I redeploy.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Good luck, man. Hope it works out well but don't let it make you nuts.

[Trilby]

BPD is difficult, but not impossible, to overcome and it can become less pronounced with age. Good luck.

Is she doing anything about the BPD? In therapy, taking her meds?

[AlternateGray]

She did both for a little while a couple of years ago, and then stopped. I had insisted she go to therapy, that's how she found out (I always thought she was just really, umm... dynamic. Tempestuous?). My original reason was, how much she stresses about things- if there's nothing massively wrong with life, she will find something to worry about, to the point of ulcers. I was worried about her health for one thing, and my sanity for another. Like I said before, if I'm happy she'll bring the pain until I'm visibly miserable, then she's ok for a little bit. That shit needed to stop.

What's odd is that she didn't worry like that during the first few years, but her behavior in other ways was atrocious at times- she's very charismatic, pretty, and usually sweet, so she usually got away with behavior that we (her friends) wrote off as being "princess tantrums". Although I don't imagine princesses using that kind of language.

I'd been nagging her to go back, off and on. Now she will be. I don't know how much benefit there was to the meds or the therapy- I'm kind of here, there and everywhere; not so much since we moved to Carson, but it makes it difficult to gauge.

If you have a disorder, you need to control it, without tools that will not happen.
Simple.

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by AlternateGray

I haven't been able to get ahold of my wife for a couple weeks. I've sent e-mails, I've sent IMs... I'd call her, but my phone card's empty; I'd buy another one but shockingly enough my bank accounts are empty.

First off, tell me how I can get a phone card to you (send me a private email to endymion@lunalushede.org with your full APO info), and I'll make sure you get one asap for as much as I can afford.

Second...I can't believe that woman whose husband was out laying his life on the line would be that hard to contact. *That's* a big problem. Geez, my wife calls me every day regardless of which one of us is somewhere else, and no one is actively trying to kill me. If your Mrs isn't around for you to contact on the 'Net, its because she doesn't want to be. Sorry, I know that's harsh, but I've been catching up on this thread, and...damn. Just...damn!

When is your tour up, AG?

[AlternateGray]

Thanks elspode, but I ended up getting ahold of her- I'm not sure if I updated that or not, I've been a little scattered. I greatly appreciate the offer of help, though.

As for the communication, you'd be surprised what people get used to. I think she may have been getting "revenge"- for most of the deployment I wasn't able to call much, and she didn't understand. She was upset, worried that I'd lost interest in her, thought I was blowing her off, because on my last deployment I was able to call almost whenever I wanted. Sometimes spouses don't understand how different things can be from one base or unit to another, much less from one deployment to the next. Another thing that doesn't help is that almost all of our neighbors have always been POGs- guys who work relatively regular hours even overseas, and they usually don't do missions. So she gets to hear from the other spouses, "my husband calls me every night at 7". (Women can be just mean). It's something we've fought over. Often. Until now. She got my e-mail, and we've been corresponding... I've told her exactly what I thought and how I felt, and she's not pushing the usual issues (or buttons) right now, which is very good.

Also... If it sounds like I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, I guess I am. I've decided it's probably wise to not torture myself with possibilities, or even probabilities, until I can straighten things out.

And I should be going home in the fall sometime.

[Iggy]

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. I have massive amounts of respect and love for those in the military, and it upsets me terribly that they get treated that way.

But I just have to say one thing... what if she is cooperating because she thinks her walking paycheck is catching on to her evil doings? I bet she would do anything to keep the same quality of life she has... but, I don't know.

I guess all I am trying to say is that if I were you, I wouldn't get too excited just yet. Only time will tell if she will stop her atrocious behavior. Good luck. I will be sending you many good vibes.