Velvet Heart

skysidhe · 05-26-2006, 08:42 AM

I critiqued it yesterday Ibram.

Critiques require changes. Like eliminate the word gay. Find another way to describe his feminine nature. Cut out the second to last paragraph. Cut out the name sammy.It takes the attention away from the main character. Make the chorus both soft as summer paragraphs. Don't thyme his gayness.

I think that's about it this early in the am.

I didn't want to post it thinking like smoothmoniker said. Hard to tell without the music. Then I wondered if it was serious...seriously.

05-26-2006, 08:42 AM	#1
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	I critiqued it yesterday Ibram. Critiques require changes. Like eliminate the word gay. Find another way to describe his feminine nature. Cut out the second to last paragraph. Cut out the name sammy.It takes the attention away from the main character. Make the chorus both soft as summer paragraphs. Don't thyme his gayness. I think that's about it this early in the am. I didn't want to post it thinking like smoothmoniker said. Hard to tell without the music. Then I wondered if it was serious...seriously. Last edited by skysidhe; 05-26-2006 at 08:47 AM.

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