08/07/02: Bitch.

[darclauz]

Since I met juju, almost seven years ago, he has both puzzled and facinated me. he has a charisma and intelligence that intrigued me almost to the point of obsession for a brief period. he makes a tremendous amount of sense and touched topics of thought and conversation that were all but unknown for me.

through all of that, i lost my head somewhat. although i have never been much of a follower, i found myself in danger of losing my own convictions in favor of following a much more esoteric pattern of thought. several things about that scared me: i am a person who values individuality, and who is individualistic to the point of abrasion in many cases. (no!) i am a christian (no!) who at that time and now, walked in many pathways where i shouldn't have walked, and juju's philosophies, seductive as they were, led to places where i didn't know how to be. i responded by pulling away, and getting scared, and using an age difference as a reason to feel superior..and not so trapped (my doing, not his).

all of that explaining give this direct address: i have always admired and respected you, even when i didn't agree with you. it has never been my intention to hurt or insult you. you always scared me a little, but that was my reaction, not anything you did. i am sorry if i came across any other way, and hope that this is all over (now that my soul is bared, i have to sew it a garment of fig leaves, i think). so sorry, and i certainly have never felt myself superior to you (although i probably tried like hell to make it look that way.).

now that this public confession is done, i'm going to go recover.

a much contrite darlene