Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Thanks, chimmichunga! I truly appreciate your trying to help me understand this. If nothing else, is confirms my theory about why one of my serious relationships foundered. She married a guy that she will never be able to completely please.

There is nothing worse than when your trying to hack your way through some heavy shit, than having your SO throw his damn feelings in the mix too, as if you didn't know how he felt about loosing you... He gives me things to keep me when he was never in danger of me leaving. Now we wonder can that change? Was he always like this, with me yes for the most part, no one else though. I want him to have the comfort in our marriage that I have, and I want the love he feels for me to be what I feel for him. He is a great husband and father, I am not what he deserves, and he is a glutton for pain, so it falls on me to make it quick or prolong it.

As a matter of fact, no I don't think you know how he feels about losing you. That first sentence of yours that I quoted has got to be one of the more callous things, I've ever read.

Like, "Would you please stop bothering me with the fact that I am causing you pain? This is all about MY pain! Mine, mine, mine!

And the dude WAS obviously in danger of you leaving, since you, in fact, are. You want him to have the comfort of being with someone who loves him without bothering to return the favor yourself. Your words make me think of the attitude of an ex-boyfriend of mine who was fooling around on me. "I'm fine with things the way they are. What's wrong with YOU?"

I very much doubt your husband is a glutton for pain. He is doing everything he can to make things work and have you stay around because he loves you. I'm sure he would be delighted to love you sans pain.

You come off as arrogant at best, heartless at worst.

Either decide the man and your two kids are worth it to you and give it your best shot, or else walk out and be done with it. Everyday you linger on, knowing damn well there's nothing in it for you, only increases the emotional damage to him and, possibly, the kids, as well.

My sig line refers to a man who has an outlook much like yours.

Jeez, Lookout, if you wife has this same attitude, run for the hills!

[chimmichunga]

Originally Posted by marichiko

As a matter of fact, no I don't think you know how he feels about losing you. That first sentence of yours that I quoted has got to be one of the more callous things, I've ever read.

Like, "Would you please stop bothering me with the fact that I am causing you pain? This is all about MY pain! Mine, mine, mine!

And the dude WAS obviously in danger of you leaving, since you, in fact, are. You want him to have the comfort of being with someone who loves him without bothering to return the favor yourself. Your words make me think of the attitude of an ex-boyfriend of mine who was fooling around on me. "I'm fine with things the way they are. What's wrong with YOU?"

I very much doubt your husband is a glutton for pain. He is doing everything he can to make things work and have you stay around because he loves you. I'm sure he would be delighted to love you sans pain.

You come off as arrogant at best, heartless at worst.

Either decide the man and your two kids are worth it to you and give it your best shot, or else walk out and be done with it. Everyday you linger on, knowing damn well there's nothing in it for you, only increases the emotional damage to him and, possibly, the kids, as well.

Oh, ouch. Okay, calm down, its not as bad as you took it. If I sounded callous that is what my truth usually sounds like (I felt no need to sugar coat it). I simply meant that it's understood that shes causing heartache to him and and in my situation,I regret it to the very core of me, If I could forget and lose myself in him I would, in a heartbeat. But If you let him throw all his emotion into yours someones going to break. By either saying fine anything to make it stop, I will concede, or fuck it anything is better than this psycho person. I was not saying suffer in silence, just to find self comfort, try and have conversations always, if you feel like your spinning your wheels, end conversation and try later on. Thats all I meant, you will probably think that is horrible too but that's ok, I've been called worse( but heartless did hurt a little bit, even from a stranger). When I said danger of losing me, that was throughout the relationship, not about what is happening now. I never said I was a genius at explaining things, but I am much better at it in person(IMHO).

Therapy was more than "do stuff" I just didn't go into full details, it would be boring, but then again there was some sex talk, and a midget. I do want to keep my marriage, I am giving it my best, and Mr. chimm does need some independence from me, he might find that I am a callous stuck up bitch, and he could do better. No I don't want a "fling" but I will not be marrying again, at least not from where I stand now. I just met you so no heiney photos, that takes at least 2 weeks

As Footfootfoot noted, you did post to the Cellar and not some touchy, feely support group. Rock on, and you don't need to send ME any pictures of ANYTHING.

[xoxoxoBruce]

chimmichunga, thanks again for your honesty.
Do you think if you doted a little he might feel more secure and back off a little with the smothering behavior?
Or maybe flat out say, "look, I love you, I'm not leaving, so relax and stop smothering me".
Possible?

Bruce, I've been around the marriage/LTR block more than once - to the point where I'm weary of making the trip. I've been on both sides of the equation we've been talking about. What I've noticed is that when a couple begins to get this polarized, its almost impossible to undo the damage. All that happens is that they get further and further into their opposite corners. The one who is feeling smothered is afraid to let the walls down for a second for fear the other's emotion will pour in like the ocean through the break and they'll end up drowned. The one who needs some reassurance feels that if they let go, their partner will vanish never to be seen again. It takes two very self aware people to work this impasse through. We pick partners (subconsciously) who will have the greatest difficulty giving us what we most need. Our partners demand from us the one thing that we feel it impossible to give. Until we do some inner work and begin to figure out why we place ourselves in these spots over and over again, we'll never be able to resolve anything with the people we chose as partners.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I've been around the block a few times myself. I was asking questions to get a better insight into the baggage issue, because being a man, I don't have any.

[chimmichunga]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

chimmichunga, thanks again for your honesty.
Do you think if you doted a little he might feel more secure and back off a little with the smothering behavior?
Or maybe flat out say, "look, I love you, I'm not leaving, so relax and stop smothering me".
Possible?

I have said this very sentence and still the panic, and questions. I have said to him all I can say. At least in my mind I have, I don't know what else to do other than saying what i have to say listening to his side and looking for common ground. I am not a touchy, feely person exactly. So I probably don't dote on him enough, physically. Good suggestion, and I don't mind.

The one who is feeling smothered is afraid to let the walls down for a second for fear the other's emotion will pour in like the ocean through the break and they'll end up drowned-Marchiko

Yeah, something like that.

[Elspode]

You cannot fill a bottomless pit. I understand this better than I wish I did. Sometimes, two people are just wired so differently, there's no way to stay sufficiently connected to keep one or the other happy or secure. It is a painful struggle.