Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce.

lookout123 · 12-10-2005, 10:58 AM

it is definitely not that my career comes first. that has been a sticking point in the past because i absolutely refused to put in anything ahead of her and my son (in that order).
she is much more career oriented than i am. but this isn't a move to give her more time for her career. she is a self employed cosmetologist and is so successful that she doesn't accept new clients.

i have been speaking about being away from my son, more than her mainly because that is a completely foreign concept to me. i have never been separated from a child (except for business trips). the very thought panics me.

if i can explain it this way: the feeling i get while thinking about being away from her are a piercing pain in my chest and a headache from all the "what if" thoughts. the idea of her moving on without me...what if she moves and realizes i reallydidn't add any value to her life, etc. just spinning thoughts, pain, and sorrow. i don't know how, but i know that will be able to stand up again and move on. i don't know what i would move on to... but i know there is something. ( the problem here is that she has been the driving force that has made me succeed in the areas that i have, so what will drive me in her absence?)

the thought of life without my son is a crushing pain in my chest. i can't breathe when i think about not having him with me. since september of 2000 i haven't had a thought that wasn't about him in some way.

maybe this goes back to my thoughts in a very old thread about "what is our purpose?" i thought then and i do now that my purpose is to make my son a better man than i am.

i don't know, i'm getting all jumbled again and i have to go anyway.

time to go coach 8 4-6 year olds in the soccer game. if i can keep from crying while watching my son run up and down the field i will call it a success.

richlevy · 12-10-2005, 12:00 PM

Not much more that I can add except that I agree with Bruce that this might be a test or call for attention. See if she pursues it after the holidays. If so, consider offering marriage counseling. If it is a call for attention, she might just have issues she wants to bring up. If so, listen.

Whatever happens, taking care of the kid is obviously the number one priority.

The only other thing I could possibly say is good luck. It sounds trite, but I mean it.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-10-2005, 01:00 PM

cosmetologist….oh shit.
So she spends all day listening to women bitch about their lives and how it’s their husbands fault. Now, with a kid, you’ve settled into a lifestyle, she’s afraid of getting into a rut and she’ll end up like her whining clients.
Or, she’s listening to them lie about how wonderful their lives are and wonders why she’s a working mother/homemaker and not traveling in a sedan chair carried by four hunks.
Does she have any men as clients?

I’d speculate that 5 years into motherhood she’s having doubts about herself, you, the future and her choices. Wondering what if, maybe panicking a little about what will be.

Does she have any friends, with their heads screwed on tight, that can council her? Someone she can talk to about what she’s thinking? It’s a pretty good bet she won’t tell you exactly what’s on her mind even if she can figure it out herself. Often it’s nagging doubts that can’t be expressed exactly so they can’t be addressed.

Don’t give up…don’t do anything to make it worse….hide some cash…..keep us posted.

lookout123 · 12-10-2005, 01:45 PM

her friends... that has been a complaint for years - that she doesn't have any really good friends. she has been hanging out with 2 girls from work for about a year. one just got married but gushes constantly how "lookout is the ideal husband". the other is a nasty little backbiter who will knife everyone every chance she gets. they both go out a lot and party though. for a year or so she would meet with some of the ladies from church for a Bible study. as boring as those chicks were i have to admit, that she has never had her head screwed on tighter than she was then. she quit that earlier this year, right about the time she started hanging out with the work chicks more, started smoking again, and drinking a little more. there is some history of substance abuse so i'm really just hoping and praying that we aren't back there.

5 years into motherhood... i'm sure that is part of it. the thing that really gets me there though is that earlier this year we sat down and decided that we wanted another one. we agreed to try - just paying attention to timing, etc. nothing so far as fertility clinic stuff. even a month ago, we were still actively following her cycle. again, not activities i would expect if this is something she had decided upon "some time" ago.

male clients? hot chick with outgoing personality who does hair... yeah, she has more than a few.

she doesn't want the stay at home thing, that much i know. when i got to the point that my income could carry us with some comfort i made the offer. it is hard for her to even keep a normal schedule - she loves what she does. end of story. she'll die doing hair.

as i sit back and think on it, if i'm honest about it i'm able to blow through most of her "reasoning" for this decision as pure smokescreen. my gut right now is telling me that she hooked up with someone when she got toasted with the girls last week. rather than deal with feeling guilty and fessing up she is just going to end the marriage -"for my benefit" so i can find someone who loves me the way i love her. that sounds like a huge leap from what you all have read, but with all the little pieces here and our ancient past... it makes sense. sad thing is, that if she just came home and said "i cheated, i'm sorry" i would deal with it and get on with life. but she absolutely refuses to ever be in a position of weakness so that isn't likely. ah, well - it's just my instinct talking anyway.

i don't know if i mentioned it but we are going to see a councelor on Friday. she is just doing it to humor me though. she had the appointment booked just for herself before she dropped the bombshell on me. this is a guy that we met with a year or so ago to help us with communication skills. she walked away from her sessions with him really feeling good about life and came to grips with some of her past issues. if she can keep some semblance of an open mind here it could be a good thing. or i could just be deluding myself.

glatt · 12-10-2005, 02:09 PM

Lookout, I don't have anything useful to add here, but I just want to let you know how sorry I am. I really hope that going to the counsellor will help you two find your way back to each other. My own biggest fear is losing a loved one. I can only imagine what you must be feeling with the prospect of losing your wife and custody of your son.

I've watched a few people go through divorce. They all make it to the other side. It will suck for a while, but it will get better. But, hopefully you two can avert it.

Good luck, and hang in there.

lookout123 · 12-10-2005, 02:18 PM

all i want back is the life i was thankful for a month ago. is that too much to ask? seriously. i don't need to be rich, famous, good looking, or the smartest guy on the planet. i just want back what i had.

Elspode · 12-10-2005, 03:23 PM

All of this sounds a little too frighteningly familiar.

Lookout...good luck. Please do float the counseling balloon, it can be highly useful. Failing that, please always remember that *you* are a valuable human being, and take care of yourself fiercely.

12-10-2005, 12:00 PM	#2
richlevy King Of Wishful Thinking Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Philadelphia Suburbs Posts: 6,669	Not much more that I can add except that I agree with Bruce that this might be a test or call for attention. See if she pursues it after the holidays. If so, consider offering marriage counseling. If it is a call for attention, she might just have issues she wants to bring up. If so, listen. Whatever happens, taking care of the kid is obviously the number one priority. The only other thing I could possibly say is good luck. It sounds trite, but I mean it. __________________ Exercise your rights and remember your obligations - VOTE! I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting. -- Barack Hussein Obama

12-10-2005, 01:00 PM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	cosmetologist….oh shit. So she spends all day listening to women bitch about their lives and how it’s their husbands fault. Now, with a kid, you’ve settled into a lifestyle, she’s afraid of getting into a rut and she’ll end up like her whining clients. Or, she’s listening to them lie about how wonderful their lives are and wonders why she’s a working mother/homemaker and not traveling in a sedan chair carried by four hunks. Does she have any men as clients? I’d speculate that 5 years into motherhood she’s having doubts about herself, you, the future and her choices. Wondering what if, maybe panicking a little about what will be. Does she have any friends, with their heads screwed on tight, that can council her? Someone she can talk to about what she’s thinking? It’s a pretty good bet she won’t tell you exactly what’s on her mind even if she can figure it out herself. Often it’s nagging doubts that can’t be expressed exactly so they can’t be addressed. Don’t give up…don’t do anything to make it worse….hide some cash…..keep us posted. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-10-2005, 02:09 PM	#5
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Lookout, I don't have anything useful to add here, but I just want to let you know how sorry I am. I really hope that going to the counsellor will help you two find your way back to each other. My own biggest fear is losing a loved one. I can only imagine what you must be feeling with the prospect of losing your wife and custody of your son. I've watched a few people go through divorce. They all make it to the other side. It will suck for a while, but it will get better. But, hopefully you two can avert it. Good luck, and hang in there. Last edited by glatt; 12-10-2005 at 02:11 PM.

12-10-2005, 03:23 PM	#7
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	All of this sounds a little too frighteningly familiar. Lookout...good luck. Please do float the counseling balloon, it can be highly useful. Failing that, please always remember that you are a valuable human being, and take care of yourself fiercely. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

12-10-2005, 10:58 AM	#1
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	it is definitely not that my career comes first. that has been a sticking point in the past because i absolutely refused to put in anything ahead of her and my son (in that order). she is much more career oriented than i am. but this isn't a move to give her more time for her career. she is a self employed cosmetologist and is so successful that she doesn't accept new clients. i have been speaking about being away from my son, more than her mainly because that is a completely foreign concept to me. i have never been separated from a child (except for business trips). the very thought panics me. if i can explain it this way: the feeling i get while thinking about being away from her are a piercing pain in my chest and a headache from all the "what if" thoughts. the idea of her moving on without me...what if she moves and realizes i reallydidn't add any value to her life, etc. just spinning thoughts, pain, and sorrow. i don't know how, but i know that will be able to stand up again and move on. i don't know what i would move on to... but i know there is something. ( the problem here is that she has been the driving force that has made me succeed in the areas that i have, so what will drive me in her absence?) the thought of life without my son is a crushing pain in my chest. i can't breathe when i think about not having him with me. since september of 2000 i haven't had a thought that wasn't about him in some way. maybe this goes back to my thoughts in a very old thread about "what is our purpose?" i thought then and i do now that my purpose is to make my son a better man than i am. i don't know, i'm getting all jumbled again and i have to go anyway. time to go coach 8 4-6 year olds in the soccer game. if i can keep from crying while watching my son run up and down the field i will call it a success.

12-10-2005, 01:45 PM	#4
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	her friends... that has been a complaint for years - that she doesn't have any really good friends. she has been hanging out with 2 girls from work for about a year. one just got married but gushes constantly how "lookout is the ideal husband". the other is a nasty little backbiter who will knife everyone every chance she gets. they both go out a lot and party though. for a year or so she would meet with some of the ladies from church for a Bible study. as boring as those chicks were i have to admit, that she has never had her head screwed on tighter than she was then. she quit that earlier this year, right about the time she started hanging out with the work chicks more, started smoking again, and drinking a little more. there is some history of substance abuse so i'm really just hoping and praying that we aren't back there. 5 years into motherhood... i'm sure that is part of it. the thing that really gets me there though is that earlier this year we sat down and decided that we wanted another one. we agreed to try - just paying attention to timing, etc. nothing so far as fertility clinic stuff. even a month ago, we were still actively following her cycle. again, not activities i would expect if this is something she had decided upon "some time" ago. male clients? hot chick with outgoing personality who does hair... yeah, she has more than a few. she doesn't want the stay at home thing, that much i know. when i got to the point that my income could carry us with some comfort i made the offer. it is hard for her to even keep a normal schedule - she loves what she does. end of story. she'll die doing hair. as i sit back and think on it, if i'm honest about it i'm able to blow through most of her "reasoning" for this decision as pure smokescreen. my gut right now is telling me that she hooked up with someone when she got toasted with the girls last week. rather than deal with feeling guilty and fessing up she is just going to end the marriage -"for my benefit" so i can find someone who loves me the way i love her. that sounds like a huge leap from what you all have read, but with all the little pieces here and our ancient past... it makes sense. sad thing is, that if she just came home and said "i cheated, i'm sorry" i would deal with it and get on with life. but she absolutely refuses to ever be in a position of weakness so that isn't likely. ah, well - it's just my instinct talking anyway. i don't know if i mentioned it but we are going to see a councelor on Friday. she is just doing it to humor me though. she had the appointment booked just for herself before she dropped the bombshell on me. this is a guy that we met with a year or so ago to help us with communication skills. she walked away from her sessions with him really feeling good about life and came to grips with some of her past issues. if she can keep some semblance of an open mind here it could be a good thing. or i could just be deluding myself.

12-10-2005, 02:18 PM	#6
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	all i want back is the life i was thankful for a month ago. is that too much to ask? seriously. i don't need to be rich, famous, good looking, or the smartest guy on the planet. i just want back what i had.

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